Fighting the Darkness

It’s been a few weeks since my last entry and life is still mostly the same. Junior year is over, and I am back at home with some rowdy kids driving me bonkers. I start my internship on Monday and am a bit nervous about it but less so after having the intern dinner tonight.

Everyone seemed pretty down to earth, but you know what I feel like I don’t let myself really enjoy the time I spend with others because I am busy worrying about how they view me. There comes a point when you realize that you are your own worst enemy and if you continue on that path you will lead yourself toward endless misery. So at the point you have to make a decision, do you fight the darkness or do you let int consume you. It is not easy to fight something that surrounds you…but letting it consume you will surely lead to your doom.

That sounds a bit ominous…but life is like that. You have to choose whether to seek the light or the dark, to fight or to cower, to live life or to just observe it pass you by. I feel like I am standing at a bridge wondering if I should continue to walk across it or should I just close my eyes and jump into the river below. I don’t think the answer will ever be completely clear to me, but I feel that it will be less foggy once I gain my footing.

Why is it that I let the world have this power over me…why can I not believe in the greatness that lies within me. That same greatness that lies in each and ever one of us. I think maybe I am afraid to be great; afraid of the challenges, the responsibilities. I feel like I am scared to have my dreams come true in a way…or maybe I am scared to go after those dreams for fear of failing to reach them.

That kind of thinking is something that disables me from truly being one of the living. They tell you when you are wrong that you never know until you try..but I don’t even try because I keep stopping at the what ifs and maybes  and cannots instead of being positive and courageous and taking a chance,taking a risk on myself and my life.

I feel so overwhelmingly disappointed in myself for being like that..I know that in this world everyone cannot be strong or courageous but I don’t want to be one of the weak and the scared. I want to overcome my demons and fly freely into this world. I want this weight to be lifted off of my soul. I think some of us experience deeper and greater growing pains than some.

We come into this world pure and free and some of us leave it the same way but others like me become tainted by the world and chained to whatever causes us to be burdened. I just want to find myself, be myself. and stay true to who I am.

That is hard to do when you still haven’t figured out who you are, or where your going. I want to stop thinking so much and just be in this world in this life as I am now. People like me end of missing out on the things the world, life, and people have to offer because we can’t just stop staring straight ahead and instead look the both sides to see what surrounds us.

My point in all of this is that for all you lost souls out there that feel like I do you have to stop holding yourself back from experiencing life because your scared to live it, scared of what could happen to you. This life is both long an short and it is the only one that we have…so don’t you want to live it? Don’t you want to love it? Don’t you want to absorb as much as you can?

It will never be easy but it can be less hard if you just stop all the self-doubt, all the self-sabotage, and just realize that greatness and beauty that lies within you. We seem to forget that as we get caught up in this crazy world. I am fighting the same battle as you, the same demons and doubts lie within me, but we can never give into the darkness. Let the warmth of the light and the sun guide your path and bless your life.

Some days are better than others and some worse but I know in my heart that it will all make sense…all this struggling and suffering will lead me to an even greater destiny.

I wish you every single happiness that life can give you and more.

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~ by tsunamiblues on May 29, 2008.

4 Responses to “Fighting the Darkness”

  1. I feel for what you’re talking about, but it’s not so easy to simply stop doubting yourself. As for self-sabotage, we seem to do it without thinking. When we do know, it seems like we ignore it. At least that’s been my experience.

    I agree with you that we all have our good days and bad days, and it’s important for us to learn from both. It’s important, I think to, find little things to help you feel optimistic. Some days that’s not easy, but we do what we can.

    Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.

  2. Your right it is not easy to stop doubting yourself, because it is a battle that will last your entire lifetime, the point is to never stop fighting against the doubt and the fear.

    Yes, you and I are not alone in this conflict..which is very much a bittersweet thing.

  3. If you can’t be a pine on the top of the hill,
    Be a scrub in the valley-but be
    The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
    Be a bush, if you can’t be a tree.

    If you can’t be a bush, be a bit of the grass,
    And some highway happier make;
    If you can’t be a muskie, then just be a bass-
    But the liviest bass in the lake!

    We can’t all be captains, we’ve got to be crew,
    There’s something for all of us here,
    There’s big work to do and there’s lesser to do
    And the task we must do is the near.

    If you can’t be a highway, then just be a trail,
    If you can’t be the sun, be a star;
    It isn’t by size that you win or you fail-
    Be the best of whatever you are! God Bless All!!!

  4. Obviously, circumstances alone do not
    make us happy or unhappy. It is the
    way we react to circumstances that
    determines our feelings. Jesus said
    that the Kingdom of heaven is within you.
    That is where the Kingdom of hell is too.

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