Snippets Of My Mind (Updated 06/15/09)

4-21-08:Sometimes in life, the hardest thing to do is believe in one’s own ability. We get so scared of dreaming to big, that we sabotage ourselves. Why should we limit our dreams or our desires and conform to what the world wants. I want to hold onto my beautiful dreams, because they belong to only me. I have every right to close my eyes and vision my world, my life, and do my best to make it come true. Yes, sometimes it is hard and sometimes you get disappointed or fail. However, that is no excuse to let go, give up, or limit your dreams. Take a deep breath, and keep pressing forward. Don’t psych yourself out or let fear keep holding you back from your realizing your potential. You are beautiful, capable, and wonderful. So let those that matter see that ,and forget those that would hold you back

4-22-08:People have so much power and they don’t even know it. People have the power to make a difference in someone’s life. Today, I felt inspired by some students, because of how hard they were working to be successful on a project. Whenever I see people working hard it makes me want to work hard to. I don’t know what the world is but I feel like a sponge. Absorbing up emotions, thoughts, feelings, passions, and energy and reflecting them upon myself. I want to use my own power to help others and inspire them to go after their dreams, to guide them on their path, show them a new direction if they get lost. I am someone who’s life has meaning because of the things I can do for others. Maybe that is why I sometimes forget to put myself first, but I have seen the beauty that comes with giving. I want to leave a legacy behind. When people look back upon my life, I want them to say she gave more than she took, she loved wholeheartedly, and sh lived her life in an honorable way. I want my future children, grandchildren, great grandchildren to know that they were founded by people who were humble, loving, passionate, and giving. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to reflect myself through my writing, because with all that lies inside my head, heart, and soul I would be unable to contain it. How I wish, there was someone in my life that I could tell these thoughts to. There is a deep fisher inside of me. and I want to let it out. If there is one thing missing in my life, it is that place or group of people that make me feel like I have a place in this world. Everyone is so spread out, going their own way, and I am here also trying to find my way through this maze called life. We are all doing our own things, so there is no one that I can really just open up to and share my heart with. There is only so much time a person can spend alone. There is only so much we can keep inside of ourselves. I want someone to truly know why I am. Not who they think I am, but take the time to truly know me, understand me, love me, and appreciate me. I don’t have anyone like that, so maybe that is why I tend to feel lonely. I am not a pillar onto myself, I want and need to rely on others too. When will all the pieces fall into place? When will my life and my existence make sense? I feel like my purpose is unclear to me. There is this song called “Breathe Me” by Sia, it describes my feelings perfectly…especially the part “Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, I am small and needy, warm me up, and breathe me…” Isn’t it amazing how someone’s else words can explain your heart completely? That is the power of humanity.

5/31/08: Do you believe in the power of dreams? I do…I feel like they are God’s visions to you. My life and the life of my family changed because my mother had a dream about us. In the dream there was a portrait and it said Phoenix, AZ at the bottom of it. At that time my dad had left my mom a few years ago, and I knew my mom was hurting a lot. My mom always seems to have dreams that mean something…like God’s whisper to her subconscious or something. I hardly have dream…which is very sad for sister has extremely vivid dreams. I have more of a feeling about something…not really a sixth sense but a very strong feeling towards something. Usually telling me to be cautious. Once I did not listen to this feeling…because it is hard to tell if it is from God or just my own fear. I had a bad feeling all week about driving down to move into my residence hall. I told my mom and she said to trust it and that she would take me instead. Well…I wanted to listen to that feeling but my mom was so tired that I decided it would be okay if I drove. Not even 30 minutes into the journey my car started to shake like it was being pushed back and forth by waves, and the sound that was coming from it was so loud and scary. All I could think about was I want this to stop, I don’t want to die yet Lord. Thank God there was no car next to me because I just went to the side and slammed on the brakes. God was with me to help me and to teach me a lesson that day..because when that happens you are never supposed to slam on the brakes because it makes your car go into a spin. Thankfully I survived that day and I never question my feelings again. I believe that God can speak to you in many way and for my family it is through dreams and feelings.

I say all of this because last night I was talking to my sister on the phone about how I never have dreams and I wish I did because I have wonderful day dreams. Before I went to sleep I prayed to God to forgive me and to show me my way, my path. To give me some sign of things to come. Well this morning I woke up with a smile on my face. I had a dream it was a simple dream but the feeling in it was one of joy, happiness, and peace. In the dream we were at some kind of diner, and in the booth across from me was a little girl, who was four years old. Next to me was a man who I had not seen it a long time it seems but who I was in cloud nine head over heels for. Whenever I have dreams there are never names so he will just be Dream man. In the dream we were all just talking and I was holding on to the man’s arm as if I would never let it go. I don’t think the little girl was mine, but I think that I was in love with her father the man next to me. It seems like I had loved him for quite sometime and somehow we had found each other again obviously after he had gotten married and who knows what happened to his wife.

The most significant part of the dream where birthdays. We were talking about birthdays and the little girl’s was October 13th, the man’s was April 24th…In the dream he asks me when his is and I tell him that day…it was a moment like as if I would ever forget the day you were born. Mine was/is September 19th. Why is that significant? Well when I woke up I assumed for some reason that the man was the young man I like now…and as I went through my morning I realized that his birthday is in July. I find that very significant because it is God’s way of telling me to let this man go. I have been struggling to rid myself of these unrequited feelings because in my heart I know we are and will never be more than friends. He is not what I truly need or want in a man. God was speaking to me in this dream, a dream that came to a girl that never has dreams. I trust in Him and that he speaks to my heart a promise for the future. That I will have my heart’s desire one day. That I can wait and find that patience to become a woman worthy to be my man’s wife someday.

Some might think me foolish, but my mother’s dream changed all our lives for the best…so I do not and will not doubt the power of dreams and feelings and the people they belong to.

7/09/08: Why do good people suffer? Why do good people only get to see and experience the bad side of living? I know each person has there own unique story but the chapters in my mother’s life makes me wonder about our fates and how twisted it can get.

I still believe that God won’t let me down and that in the future my mother will see the happiness of the world in her own life in a very personal way. I pray for God to be her shield, friend, and everything and anything she needs from him.

In addition, I pray that God hears my own heart and sees the things in me that no one else sees. I pray that he brings into my life a partner for life. Someone who is my best friend, lover, and husband. I pray that God gives me the strength, courage, and oppurtunity towards my dreams. Let no obstacle deter me or keep me from my journey of life.

I feel like there are so many things about myself that I cannot share with people. I feel like my body is chained because of my mind and I just wish that I could have more trust and faith in myself. I feel very insecure about my ability compared to that of my peers. I always seem to be putting myself down and I think it really takes away from my potential. I just wish I could let go of all the bullshit and fly free.

8/28/08:Why is it that the darkness is so easy to sink into and the light so out of reach? Why is it that once the negativity seeps inside it is hard to see the positiveness of life? Why is it that when life throws me a curveball I don’t adjust myself to hit it dead on. Instead I curl up and run from it. I don’t know if this is just me or is it human nature to be so terrified of what you want. I feel like sometimes I sabotage myself because I am terrified of getting what I want. I am scared of dreaming a dream so big and beautiful and seeing it crumble into ashes. I am scared to want what I want because life seems to take those wants and twist them into obstacles.

I look at the world and all the faces walking past me. I always wonder what is their story, what is there sorrow, what is their happiness? I wonder about life most of the time….I wish there were more answers than questions in my own.

9/28/08: I turned 21 years old on the 19th. Is that supposed to mean something? My age might have changes but the days are still the same. I still have the same answer less questions, I still wake up wondering who I am, I still tremble from the same fears. Does 21 mean wisdom? I don’t think a number can mean anything but that time is passing and I am like all those before me getting older. Time – sometimes it seems to be going to fast and other times too slow for my taste. I am sitting here with all things things to do trying not to let myself feel overwhelmed by it all. I feel defeated and by my own sword. I feel like I am my enemy. The only thing holding me back is myself. My fears, insecurities, past…all of those things hold me back from taking in this world and living each day. I am trying, and making some progress but it is  never easy….and maybe it is not supposed to be. I feel unbalanced – like I am orbiting life the wrong way. Since school has started, I have not found my rhythm yet. I have started taking yoga classes and getting involved at the rec center. I want to feel good physically!

The person that I liked and wrote about has drifted far away from me and I don’t think we will find our way back. I am learning that holding on to people, friendships, pasts is not the way to go. I am letting go of them. I am letting go of my past to move towards my future. I am letting go of some friendships to see if they come back or because I have realized they were never really my friend. I am lettin go of people because it hurts having them around and because I have to move on. The young man I liked…we have been drifting apart for awhile now. He is not the same man I met sophomore year and maybe I am not the same woman he met three years ago. I won’t lie and say I don’t miss him. I miss him, I miss our friendship, I miss our conversations, I miss his smile, and I miss knowing I was important to him.

I feel that for now and maybe for always this is the best thing for both of us, We have our memories and that must be enough for me. I want to let him go completely. Not to hold onto my feelings for him and trap myself in the past. I wonder often how much I meant to him that he could let me go so easily. I wonder how much our friendship meant to him that he could forget so easily. Then I tell myself the harsh truth that He meant more to Me than I ever meant to Him. It hurts to think of that, but I find it to be the truth. I pray for his happiness and his success. I just want my heart to stop clinging to him…to stop remembering…to stop feeling. I want liberation not desolation… I want freedom not chains.

I told my friend that friendships/relationships shouldn’t be so hard to have. It should be like breathing. A natural, unconscious feeling. It is essential to living.

10/08/08: Today I thought to myself that my life is hard but maybe it is me that makes it harder than it has to be. Maybe I am the one sabotaging my happiness because it seems like it would be better to give up than to risk it and fail. I don’t know but I am frustrated with myself. I know what needs to be done but I don’t do it…am I scared of being better? Am I scared to try?

Yes, I am scared because I cannot imagine putting all that effort into something and failing. I think my heart would break and I would never try again. I know that is unwise thinking on my part. I want to be the girl I once was. The one who wasn’t scared to try who wasn’t afraid to stand alone. A brave girl and a strong one even if it was not complete. I miss my old self and I want her back.

The only question is how do I get her back. How do I get that part of me that enjoyed life and even in the face of adversary she still gave it her all. When did I turn my back on her and let this world begin to define me and make me hollow.

I want to try again to be that girl who stared out at the world with a smile, a beautiful dream ,and the hope that it would come true. I miss that girl and I want her back.

10/19/08: Meaning? Today I was driving in my car and thinking about what I truly want in my life and it came down to meaning. I want to find meaning in my existence, to create meaning in my life, and to live each day with purpose and meaning. Is it my age that makes me feel so incapable or it my circumstances? I am not sure of that–I am not sure of many things. I have all the questions and there never seems to be an answer to enlighten my soul. I want to make up and find purpose in waking up, I want to go through my day and know what I do has value, and I want to close my eyes knowing that waking up had meaning and now it is time to rest till another day unfolds.

I am not saying I need to save the world…but I want to do something in my lifetime that leaves behind a message of hope. In some ways that is why I continue to write in this blog, because for those of you reading my story and finding parallels in your own life or the lives of people you love I want you to find hope, see hope, create hope for yourself and others. Living is not easy…some people laugh when you say life is hard, but I think it is because they have not experienced suffering. Life is hard, it is a struggle, it is both ugly and beautiful.

My life is not easy…on the outside the world only sees my triumphs; they have not glimpsed by inner torment. Waking up each day and getting through it is a struggle for me. I am tired and not just in body. but in the recesses of my soul I am weary. Why is life this hard? Why do I have to struggle? Why does my family have to suffer? What did I do to deserve this? Why doesn’t anyone see me? Why am I alone in this loneliness? Why…why…why?

There is chaos inside of me, it feels like everything is enhanced; my thoughts, feelings, emotions, sorrows…they overwhelm me and I fall. I fall so far and so deep inside of myself that no one can reach me. My hope is that is won’t always be like this. I will not always feel like each day is a journey, that each step takes all my energy, that living is too much of a struggle. My hope is that you will see my story and have hope in your own. I have not given up, and will do my best to keep walking forward with dignity. My burdens are heavy and they weigh me down but I am still walking towards better days, weeks, years, a better life.

Please, hold on. I know many people say they understand–but I truly understand what it is like to wake up and want to shut out the light and burrow inside that dreamworld. A place where life’s evils cannot find room to torment you. I know what it is like to walk around and look at the faces of our world and only feel sadness for the ugliness of this world. I know what it is like to lock the door and cry yourself to sleep wondering when will it end. When will the light shine down upon my life. I know what it is like to feel insignificant, to be treated as if you are invisible, and to feel as if you are. I know what it is like to think anything must be better than feeling like you are going to burst from all the pain. I know what it is like to feel as if no one in this world sees you, understand you, hears you, knows you. I know you, I see you, I understand you, because you are like me. A lost soul trying to find my way to a place where I belong.

I know you and you are not invisible, you are not alone, you have a life to live. You have a dream to fight for. You are worthy of so much more than suffering. Please believe me, because I know you. I see you when I look in the mirror. I see the wounds that are not on your skin but within your soul. I see your pain, your sorrow, and the endless tears for they are my own.

I know you my friend, and we will get through these struggles and find/create better days. Days where the sun greets us as we wake up, and the moon heals us as we go to sleep. Days when we have the energy to fave life’s challenges. Days when are smiles are not jut facades and our happiness is soul deep. Days of laughter, peace, and love. Days of so much warmth we glow in it.

I know you my friend and I hope that you do not give up. I am fighting myself and life everyday. Some days I crawl, some days I walk, and other days I limp towards my future but I am still moving towards that great dream of mine. My journey is long and the roads seem endless but one day my friend we will find that place, those people, those friends, that career, that meaning that makes life beautiful.

Till that day comes don’t give up, for I am walking beside you, cheering you on.


11/22/08: For the past few days I have been thinking about love…specifically what if I am incapable of love, of being someone to love, loving someone else. What if I am going to spend the rest of my life searching and waiting for something that doesn’t exist. You know what hurts–when you care about someone and you give them a place in your heart; instead of them seeing you in that same important and light you mean nothing to them and their heart has no place for you. Or at least it seems that way, that hurts to feel so insignificant to someone. To know that their life is fine whether you are in it or not. It makes you feel so small and worthless. I have felt a glimpse of that, the feeling of caring about someone who doesn’t even show you half as much significance. What hurts even more is letting them go, but still missing them and wishing things were different. Nothing has changed and yet I am still the one who is left with the chipped heart. I wish life was like a clean cut….but instead there are always edges. Cutting someone off is not that simple, there are still ripples and memories and boy do they make you feel like shit.

I think about my life and I wonder how another person can come into it. I have no idea what love means…my mother loved my father with all her heart and he stomped, crushed, and then shattered it. That is the love I have grown up with a cruel and bitter love. I want to believe there is someone in this world who will love me–but what if there isn’t. What if I am not one of the few who gets to love and be loved before I leave this world. What if I am going to end up broken by the vulnerabilty of loving someone else. I have so many dreams and I just wonder when and how I’ll meet someone and how much pain will I endure for and because of that love. Is it really love? What does it mean to love someone? To love them as if they are the airi you need to survive, the reason you wake up each day, the thing you look forward to seeing when you come home. Am I capable of meaning that much to someone else. I don’t know…I don’t know a lot of things about life and even less about love.

I am scared that I will miss my moment, my chance, my love. I am scared that when I find it I will lose it…or that what I feel is love isn’t really love. I guess when it comes down to it the truth is that I am scared to have my mother’s story. I am scared to love someone that much and have them completely break me–break me so badly that for the rest of my life I am crippled. I wonder if it is worth it…loving someone that much. It always seems to me that love ends in sadness. You won’t die together so someone is always left behind to pick up the pieces. I don’t want to be left behind again. I know that my past has shaped my outlook on love…but how could it not.

We live in a world where “I love you” is said so casually, where divorce is higher than marriage, a world of lost values, and it just makes me apprehensive about love, marriage, and to unachievable happily ever after. I know life isn’t a fairy tale and I don’t want it to be. Perfect love cannot be true love in my eyes because it is the flaws that makes the love deeper. I don’t know what my point is but I just wanted to write what was in my heart. Hoping that as the words flow out of me I would find some relief from my thoughts. I want to find my love…but even more I want to keep my love.

12/02/08: My head hurts from the endless stream of thoughts flowing from my mind. My heart hurts from the feeling of being all alone. I am sitting here and I just feel…there is no word that encompasses the emotion in me right now. I have days when the weight of this world seeps into me and sends me spiraling into these dark, sad thoughts. I feel alone, I am alone. I am alone in my thoughts, in my struggles, in my pain. I know that when it comes down to it only I and God have the power to heal me. I just wish that I had someone that I didn’t fear telling my burdens to. My family has their own problems to deal with and me adding to it in not an option.

I write because this is the only place of release I have in my life. I feel like crying and I am not even sure of the reason, but the tears hide just behind my eyelids. Waiting for the moment when I can hide my face from the world and let them flow freely. I feel sad, I don’t know if at 21 I expect too much, but life is lonely. All I want is people that I can be free with,  that I can depend on, that I get to see on a daily basis. I want friends and loved ones who let me now that I matter to them, and that my existence is important to them. I have “friends” but it just doesn’t feel right or complete. I don’t get to see them as much as I wish, and when I do it just doesn’t feel like enough. Why don’t I tell you about how I wish my life was and you can tell me if my wish it too much.

I wish when I wake in the morning I don’t wake up afraid to open my eyes and deal with what comes my way today. I wish that as I go through my day, I do it with confidence, grace, and laughter. I wish that I didn’t feel exhausted all the time seeking sleep as my refuge from this world. I wish that I didn’t go through my day all alone. I wish that I had people to eat dinner with on a daily basis, people to talk to about how my day went. I wish I had study groups/friends who meet up and do homework together. I wish I hung out with people every week instead of doing everything myself. I wish I felt happiness instead of sadness, joy instead of fear, and purpose instead of questions.

I wish that I had a person who I can tell this too and not be afraid about it. I just cannot find anyone who understands or is willing to understand me. I am conflicted and fighting a war inside of myself. I feel like I am being covered by water, unable to see or breathe, or escape. I sink deeper and deeper into that dark abyss, farther and farther away from people. I wish that I didn’t feel like this. I wish I was strong, and that I didn’t falter so easily. I am suffocating inside and I cover it up so the world doesn’t see as my soul shatters piece by piece.

I hide it with smiles and laughter hoping that someone will see past those masks I wear and take a closer look at me and know that there is pain with each smile, sadness with each laugh hiding just below the seams. I wish I had people I could just call up and say hey lets grab a bite to eat, or lets go to the mall. I just wish everyone wasn’t so busy with our lives. It is like they have all forgotten that we are young and we should have fun and be around each other.

I have no feeling of closeness to anyone really. There is so much of me that no one sees, so much of my soul that I am too scared to reveal. Sometimes I just want to scream and scream, to let all this pain and anger find release. I just want to be truthful and let them feel as hurt as I do, as alone as I feel. I want to be cold and mean and make them feel even an inch of the lonliness I feel. That is such a sad thing to do, and that is why all my pain remains deep inside of me…the only release I have is my writing. I am at a point in my life where the mask is slipping of and I don’t want to put it back on. I don’t want to play nice, I don’t want to bottle up my feelings, I don’t want to hide my ugliness. I just want to do what it takes to feel free, to be free from expectations, burdens, and most of all my self-inflicted chains.

Sometimes I think about disappearing to another place, and starting over. That is why I like moving you can become someone new and let go of your skeletons. You can find freedom in the new and bury the old with the past. I want to do something out of the ordinary and maybe a little crazy. I want to feel alive. I want to feel the air sweeping past me, the warmth of the sun above me, and the softness of the earth below me. I want to feel n-sync, in balance. I feel out of orbit and so I never feel centered.

I wish that if God hears my heart, that he opens my mind to what I am missing. I feel blind to His message and I just pray that He directs me to Him and that He never gives up on me. I don’t want to go through my life as alone and lonely as I feel now. I don’t want to come home to an empty place, I don’t want to spend my time alone all the time. I want to be surrounded by warmth instead of this coldness that seeps into me.

I just want this fatigue to end and for me to finally understand who I am and be at peace with myself. I want to know my soul and feel happy in my body.

12/11/08: I seem to cry at the most random moments, usually it happens when I am listening to a song that strikes a chord deep inside of my soul. At 2AM it is Lenny Kravitz “I’ll Be Waiting”…the tears just formed in my eyes and slid down my cheeks. I don’t even know why I am awake and not sleeping but some nights I get scared to sleep, to close my eyes,and drift away in my thoughts, fears, dreams, and whatever else lies inside of my mind. Each day I realize there is still so much I need to learn about myself, and the life I want/choose to live. There is still so many chapters I need to write and so many experiences I need/want to have. At 21 I feel like I am rediscovering myself and creating myself at the same time. I am a piece of clay ready to be shaped and molded by my own hands. You see I have to be the one to pick up the piece and make it who I want to be. I feel like the world has too much power over me and it is making me shrivel up into the person I fear I am becoming.

At 21 I feel more lost than when I was 16. When I was younger I had a plan, a dream, I had my life carved out for me. These past years, and especially the past few months have made me realize that plans change, life is an ongoing journey and you cannot expect the plan you have to always follow directly. God might have a place for me that is nothing I have ever imagined. But I know it will be right, it will be a place I fit perfectly. I just get scared to close my eyes and imagine my future…to me it seems so foggy and filled with uncertainty. There is this inner war inside of me where some days I am victorious and others a complete failure. I know life will never be easy, but couldn’t it be a little less hard?

Thanks for reading my chapters of life, writing always makes me feel calmer, safer, it is my healer in so many ways. Now, I will close my eyes and let sleep consume me. Maybe the music will keep the shadows away.

01-29-09: There is so much turbulence inside of me right now that all I want to do is go to my safe place which for me is my bed with the headphones on to drown out everything in this world. In the past few days I have ben thinking about a major flaw that I have which is my lack of patience leading to my quickness to irritation. There is so much in me, so much going on around me and I just don’t have the patience to sit idle and wait. I hate waiting; I hate waiting for someone when me make plans and they are late, I hate the idea of not being on time. I just really really hate waiting. Right now I am 2 days away from knowing if my waiting was worth it or if it wasn’t. I am terrified of what the outcome will be. How out of my control the whole situation is.

I put on a brave face to go along with my brave words. I say no matter what happens I will be okay, and yeah most likely I will be okay but in that moment if the answer is “no, you didn’t make it” I think my world will fall apart with me under it. You see I have a dream for after I graduate college, it is not clear, but it has a location and when I do get that email if they say “yes, you made it” I will be one step closer to making my dream a reality, but if they say no then I will have to pick myself up and figure out how to get closer to that dream of mine. It is so hard not to be worried when someone else is determing how close you get to reaching your dream. I have been waiting for an answer since September, I have been praying for God’s blessing upon this and even so I am scared because of the question I keep asking myself what if their answe is “no,” what will I do?

Will I let go of my dream? Or will I find another way to do it? I really hope my answer will still be find another way to get there, because getting there is what is important not the how. It is hard to let go of something you want but don’t get. Well you will all hear what the outcome turns out to be when I get the answer in a few days.

Today I feel really tired and irritated, and it is those little things that stretch my non-existant patient to the breaking point. One of these days I am going to snap and the person in the eye of the storm is going to wish they hadn’t pushed me. Sometimes I don’t want to be nice or kind, I just want to be honest and tell them exactly what I think about them. Some days I just wish they really knew exactly what was running through my mind. If they did, they would know I am not one to be messed with.

Saying that I really want to work on my patience. To find that calm within the raging storm and hang on to it. I get so worked up and those in the line of fire feel the burn of my words. I don’t want to hurt people because I don’t have the patience to deal with them and their issues. People think I am so together, if only they knew about the cracks beneath the surface.

Pray for me to find patience, and the means to reach my dreams!

2/12/09: Within all my cynicism I still have hope in myself, in this world, and most of all in my God. Yes, we suffer but even in the midst of our suffering there is a taste of happiness. It is fleeting and unpredicatable, but we savor it and we know that there is more to come. My heart aches like any other for the fufillment of my dreams. My simple yet complicated dream based by my heart and not reality. Hoping in the midst of chaos that it will all disappear in the clearness of the future. My heart beats for that promise, that dream, and that hope of better days ahead. Days filled with love, laughter, and happiness. Days of peace and balance. Days of clarity and purpose. I know those days will come so I wait and wait till it does.

3/30/09: So if you follow my blog you’ll remember last year I had some strong feelings of like for a friend of mine. We have pretty much drifted apart…and I blame it on him because I did my part of trying to salvage our friendship. But when you are talking to a brick wall there is only so much you should do. I actually miss him but I think it is more the memories of who he was and not him. He doesn’t seem to mind not having me in his life anymore hence never trying to make plans with me or realizing that my number has changed. Well today as I got off work all I wanted was to get some yummy ice cream after a long day.

I am walking through the union and I notice this guy and I think blond hair it is him but then I was like no this guy has a beard and looks kind of short. Well as I am about to walk into the store to get my well deserved ice cream I look at the guy a little more closely and realize it really is him. Panic mode creeps in and I decide to head back home instead to avoid an awkward exchange. I haven’t seen him all of our senior year and we will be graduating in May and my hope is not to run into him till then. I know I am acting a little childish but I fear I might snap at him and I just don’t want to play nice to someone who can let go of a close friend that easily. Thank God I never told him I liked him.

I made a decision last year to let go of people who are not holding on to me and to just do my own thing and my real friends will show themselves. It was a great decision because I have come to see who really values me and it has made me appreciate them so much more.

06/15/09: Waiting

I wasn’t born a patient person, and I am sure patience is something we learn and not in our DNA. How I wish I was a patient person, maybe my mind would be less burdened.

To be honest I hate waiting. I hate waiting for people to show up. I hate waiting to recieve something. I hate waiting for people to change and grow up. I hate waiting for my plans to become more than dreams. I hate waiting for life to reveal itself to me. I hate waiting…

I think a person with patience could wait, but for me I am impatient yet I still wait. Is it that I have a choice? No, I wait because there is no other option. When you wait it means things are out of your control and that is how it is for me.

I made a decision to live my life the way I want to, to not hold my dreams back because I want to make my family happy. I don’t think I could make them happy if my own happiness is the price. No, I used to think that my happiness was worth sacrificing but I realized that I deserve to be happy…we all do.

Sometimes you have to leave them behind a few steps so you can find what you need. For me, it seems to be that way. I have spent my life waiting for so many things and it is tiring.

I waited for my dad to change, for my mom to remarry, for me to grow up strong and successful so I can make our lives better, I waited to fall in love. I waited for everything to come full circle, and I am still waiting.

How I wish my thoughts weren’t in chaos from the waiting. See, for me the waiting leaves so many doors open for things to go wrong. It is the period between what is and what will be that scares me. It is the unknown aspect of waiting.

I always ask, how much longer am I going to have to wait? A question without an answer like so many parts of my life. My heart beats rapidly as I wait…how much longer?

Be A Light In The Dark

The Hope Notes Project

5 Responses to “Snippets Of My Mind (Updated 06/15/09)”

  1. everything you said reminds me so much of my own thoughts…
    hmm :)

  2. stop expecting so much. stop controlling your own life. submit yourself to God; let Him take over and control your life. you dont have to do anything but follow God. nowhere does He say life is going to be easy, but if you surrender yourself to God, life will be so much better despite the adversities you face. your entire viewpoint of life changes, and you will be so much more grateful for what you are blessed with.

    you are not alone, for God is always with you, every step of the way. He will never leave your side. He will always be there protecting you, giving you the strength to move forward. all you need to do is believe, and He will come to you. just believe….. have faith and open your heart to God.

    • sometimes it feels like having faith is the hardest thing to do, the letting go part, the not being in control part, but each day I am realizing how much God does for me, and how much more he can/will do for me as long as I have faith, and continue to grow in my love for God.

  3. new layout? nice. i like it.

    but yes. its the holiday season right now. christmas is coming up. brighten up a little! Christ is soon to be born! be patient.

    you know, i loved the movie the dark knight. but one thing i like so much about it is one of the quotes. i know its kinda corny restating it, but i find so much truth in it.

    Harvey Dent: The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

    just be patient and youll find that God never lets you down. =]

  4. I liked that movie too….that line was one of the best if not the best one in the movie. Slowly but surely I am cheering up…the semester is winding down and I can go home for few weeks:)

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