Dear Mom: I wish you were here by my side…

Dear mom:

Today was a really hard day for me, and all I could think about was you, and how much I wish you were here to hold me. Mom, I’m so sorry for being like this, I think there is something wrong with me that even your hug won’t fix. There is something very sad inside of me, and I think I need to get help to be better.

Mom, I had to fight the urge to call you and tell you that I’m suffering so much inside. You have so much on your plate and I do not want to be another burden, another worry for you. Mom, I’m hurting a lot physically and mentally. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I think that emotionally I am not okay. I don’t want to say that I am depressed, but I think that mentally there is a lot of sadness inside of me. I don’t know what the exact cause of these feelings are but I’m not happy on the inside mom.

I cried a lot today coming to terms with the possibility of something being wrong with me, but I’m going to seek help to get better mom. Because, I don’t want to be this sad soul anymore. I don’t want to keep crying and feeling like my life is worthless. Mom, just thinking of you gives me strength even though I am so weak. Thank you for being my mother and my father all these years. Thank you for giving me life and getting me this far.

I think that this is only the climax of something that has always been inside of me. I think the sadness has finally come to a point where I cannot hide it, and I need someone to help me through this. Mom, I;m scared of who I am right now. I;m scared of feeling like this forever. Mom. my heart hurts so much and I just want to feel better ,be better ,and be able to have a happy life.

I’m crying again. I seem to be unable to stop crying today for some reason. Those days when the tears wouldn’t come seem to be making today their day of release. Mom, its hard to be so empty all the time. I wish I could tell you all my worries but you have enough of your own.

Mom, I want to believe there is more to our lives than all this pain. That there is more to life than suffering, sadness, and disappointments. I;m not sure when it started but maybe it was the way I grew up. Maybe it started when dad left and I have never been able to truly come to terms with being abandoned by the person that is supposed to love me as their child. Maybe that is when this sadness started. I’ve always been the crybaby of the family, the kid that seems to be sensitive to everything.

It is funny how our outside can hide so much of what we are feeling on the inside. Mom, when dad left it hurt a lot. Even though I don’t want anything to do with him now, I still think about him. I still feel bitterness, sadness, and hurt towards him. When I see people with their fathers I still feel sad and jealous that I don’t have those things.

There have been many people who have been fathers to me in one way or another, but I guess that emptiness never fully left me. Mom, I am most sorry to you and for you. That is why I want to be someone great so that at least you can find happiness through your children. Mom, my deepest wish is for you to be happy. True happiness is the least that you deserve for your sacrifices, tears, and the suffering that you have been through.

Mom, I am so tired these days. My mind never seems to shutdown and it makes me ache with all the thoughts running inside my head. I try to be better, to feel better, but when it comes to it I end up feeling sadder. I wish I could just snap out of it, and feel happy. I don’t even know what it means to be happy anymore. I want to feel content with my life and with myself but I feel so dissatisfied.

No one sees my suffering. Mom, if only people realized that I am so weak inside although I seem so strong on the outside. If only people would show me sincerity and be a shoulder for me to lean on. Mom, it is not that I don’t want to let people in, it is that no one has given me any reason to trust them with my vulnerability,

Everyday has become a struggle for me mom. Just getting through classes and homework is a burden to me. Trying to pretend that everything is okay is getting hard. When I am alone the sadness comes out and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep away my sadness. All I want to do is make my mind blank and just be at peace.

Mom I need you to be strong for me. I worry about you all the time. I worry about everything all the time. How will we make it through all these difficulties in our family. I want someone to help you through it, but no one seems to have stepped up to the plate. Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling like this. We have food, shelter, and I am getting an education. But still there is a lot of things that we are missing in our lives.

Maybe that is why I wanted to meet a good man, hoping being by his side would make me feel complete somehow. That he’d heal my wounds and help me live life. I think that in truth no one can save me but me. I am the only one that can change my sadness into happiness. I need help, but at the end of the day it is my willpower that will see me through these moments of suffering.

Everything hurts mom! My body hurts, my mind hurts, my soul hurts, my heart hurts. I seem to hurt everywhere these days. I can’t tell you though because you’d hurt too! Mom, do you know how much I love you? I love you so much that I hurt because you are so burdened in your life. I cannot and will not become another reason for you to worry.

I’m so sorry towards you mom. I want to be strong and go far in this life, but right now I am so tired that I can barely make it through today. I am going to seek help and work towards getting better mom. Lately, I’ve had thoughts that life would be better if I was not here, but I know that isn’t true. I know that I will get through this and see better days.

I keep asking God to help me through these moments and I am trusting he will not let me down. Just wait mom and we will see those better days. Where are hearts will be light and unburdened, and when we will laugh and smile all the time time.

I’m going to take that first step towards getting better so don’t worry about me mom. I’ll be okay and you’ll be okay too!

~ by tsunamiblues on March 14, 2008.

One Response to “Dear Mom: I wish you were here by my side…”

  1. keep fighting. keep demanding yourself to live- keep look into the sun and be optimistic. Look around you when your tiered-there is life all around you let life fill you up. don’t stress too much about finals- keep your head up and keep marching forward.

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