Me

Tonight I went to the Youth Night at my church, and I left a lot better than I entered. There is something about going to church and listening to the praise and worship songs, and just feeling like I can breathe again. It centers my foundation and gives me peace inside ever part of my being. Music has always been the antidote to fix everything wrong in my life and it is even more powerful when I am at church. My spirit was filled with God’s warmth and it took away the fear and worry that had been penetrating my mind.

When I love someone whether it be a friend or family member I give them a special place in my heart designated just for them, and to me they become a part of my being. That is how I love the people in my life, completely and unconditionally. I would do anything for them, and cheer them on as best as I can. When they hurt, I hurt. When they cry, I cry. When they are happy, I am happy…and so on. Sometimes the love I have for them hurts me in the end. When I see them walking down a path that will lead to hurt and pain it kills me inside not to be able to change their direction. Sometimes when you love someone you have to hold back, step back, and let them make their own choices and just be there for them no matter what the outcome. I am trying my best to do that these days.

Ever since I can remember I have been the peacemaker, fixer, dependable, responsible..etc kind of person. I want to make everything better for everyone else that I forget to take care of me. I want them to be happy that I make it my mission to make sure nothing hurts them. I just love so much that I feel every pain they feel and sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just want to care less, so I can hurt less. But that isn’t me. I would give up my own happiness for the happiness of the people I love. I would sacrifice and suffer to lessen their burden or to take it on myself. It pains me to see the people I love sad, hurt, mistreated, broken…I just cannot bare to see them in pain, because the pain becomes my pain.

I often wonder why God made me this kind of person. I have so much love inside of me for people, that sometimes there is no room left to love myself. I am learning to balance that people love and self love. I am learning that I cannot spend my life taking care of other people’s happiness while neglecting my own. I am learning I will no always have an answer or solution to give them. I am learning to understand that I am 22 years old, and I don’t have to carry all this weight on my shoulders. It is okay for me to seek out my own joy and happiness. It is okay for me to go after my dreams. It is okay for me to walk on my own path, and follow it to wherever it leads me.

Today I was thinking about what I want for myself in this lifetime, and it came down to three things. Daily happiness inside of myself. The love of a Good man. The ability to make a difference in the lives of others. If I can have those three things then my life will be overwhelmingly blessed. I want to be happy, I want to wake up everyday happy and fall asleep the same way. I want to feel it in every inch of my body that happiness with my life, who I am, the life I lead, the people I have around me, the work I do. I want to be happy, fulfilled, and joyous. I want my light to shine brightly in this world, and never let it burn out. I want the love of a good man. Someone I can trust, respect, depend on, build a life and home with, someone who loves and fears God, and someone who is worthy and will honor my love. I want a good man, who is kind, patient, loyal, understanding, and just my best friend. I will wait as long as it takes, but my prayer to God is to make me aware of that Good man and not let our paths miss each other. I am 22 years old, and I want to be loved by a Good man, who is honest and a good human being. Someone who will treat me and love me the way I deserve.

I want to make a difference in the lives of others. That is the memories of me I want in this world when I am no longer in it. I want people to know me for being that kind of person, who inspires, motivates, and helps other people find their way, create their way, and just be a guide to them. No matter where I am I want to be a person people can come to and know they will have someone to support and listen to them. I want to make others happy and feel loved and supported. I want to be that lighthouse that shines down on them in the darkness and guides them back. Whether it is through my writing, music, or profession I want to make a difference in this world.

I’m at this point in my life where I am coming into my own being and figuring out what I want my future to be like, and I know at the end of the day the most important thing is that wherever I am and whatever I am doing that I am happy and loved.

Be A Light In The Dark

The Hope Notes Project

~ by tsunamiblues on February 20, 2010.