30 Days Of Truth: Day Twenty Nine

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Last night I was so tired and overwhelmed from a busy week that I fell asleep on the carpet while listening to music. I woke up shivering and disoriented. What happened to me?

The other day I was riding the bus to school, and wondering yet again what happened to me? The younger me would have school assignments done two weeks in advance just because she liked doing it. I used to like/love learning and being accomplished but as I got older that motivation, that gusto for the things in my life, died a little each day and I’ve become this lazy, procrastinating, self-sabatoging 23 year old.

I freeze up when I need to get something done wondering what’s the point, or I’ll just wait till the very very very last moment to get it done. I miss being an overachiever or at least an achiever. I want these things for myself, yet I’m running around in circles instead of straight at it. I’m the one at fault, and yet I don’t fix it. I don’t try as much as I should or want to. I give up easily. I wait. I’m the one holding the chain that binds me to living like this, and I don’t like that. I want my enthusiasm back for myself, for my dreams, for those everyday little things. Slowly but surely I want to get that passion back and let it burn through me so I can be the person I want to me, and by being that person I can live the life I imagine for myself.

It all starts and ends with me, and I’ve got to be the one to light up my life, and get myself out of this rut. I know this, and yet I still haven’t done this…

So the something I want to change about myself is all the small somethings that have made me see myself and life through such shadowed eyes. I don’t want to think what’s the point? Or that someday I’ll get it done? I want to be the master of my fate, the captain of my soul, and be the one setting thing in motion. I don’t want to wait for life to happen to me, I want to make it happen. I don’t want to wait for perfect moments, I want to create them. To be the muse in my life’s story.

I wrote this on 11/11/10 and life has gotten so much better. Why? I chose to make it better. I chose to do better, be better, live better. I chose to make my life the life I’ve imagined so I can live it that way. I chose happiness over sadness. Peace over chaos. Self love over self hate. I chose me. I choose me everyday!!!

~ by tsunamiblues on February 28, 2011.

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