A Bit Of Honesty 3

I cried again today. It was like I had been holding in a river of tears and finally it all came pouring out of me. I hurt all the time. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I ache in every part of me. I don’t know how to make it stop. This pain that lives inside of me. It destroys everything good in my life. All I want, all I’m trying to be is happy. But I never get to stay that way for long, and sometimes I wonder if happiness is not for me. If there is something wrong with me, something that makes it impossible for me to enjoy my life. To find happiness and joy in this world that I live in.

Everyday I wake up and I tell myself all I have to do is try. Try to make it through the day one step at a time. Try not to crumble or fall apart. Try to enjoy the little things in life. I go through out my day, and I try. Some days are good and other days it feels like the world is going to bury me. I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough. I will never be enough for the life I want, for the dreams have. I’ll never be worthy of those things. No matter how hard I try, how much I do, maybe I just have to come to terms with this. That this is all I will ever be, this is all life will give me.

I smile and laugh and pretend I’m okay. No one sees it. The mask I wear everyday. A mask of serenity that hides this deep fissure of loneliness and sorrow inside of me. No matter what I do this sadness remains with me. I’m tired of feeling like this, of being wrapped up in the darkness. I just want to soak myself in peace. I want to escape this never-ending misery. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how to do more than survive.

I want more than this. I want a life free of this hollowness. I want joy and warmth to be mine. I want to wake up and know that no matter what happens I’ll make it through. That I am strong enough, courageous enough to take on whatever obstacles life brings me. I want to believe in myself. In the power I have to make my life a living dream. I want to believe that I have what it takes to fix me, to heal the wounds on my soul. I want to believe that I am enough. That I am so much more than enough. I want to believe that, to believe in me.

I want to come home and enjoy myself. I don’t want to spend another day drowning in tears, trying to sleep the pain away. I hurt. I hurt inside, everywhere. I don’t know what the cause is or how to fix it. All I know is that I hurt all the time, and it kills me inside to feel this way. To feel so much agony inside of me. To find my mind captured in chaos, unable to find refuge from the storms that rage inside of me.  I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I’m this kind of person. Why I can’t just be happy. Why I can’t just be free. I want to be free from all of this torment, all of this sadness. I want to be free to live, to enjoy, to grow.

I can’t keep surviving day by day, just trying to stay a float. Trying to keep from crumbling. I’m standing on hollow strength, and soon it won’t be able to hold me up. I’m scared of what will happen then. I don’t know what I need to be better. To feel better. I don’t know what will take this pain away, but there has to  be something, some antidote to this sickness inside of me. I want to live. I want to live the life I imagine. The one I create with each day I live. I want to know who I am, to love me, to find peace inside my soul.

I want to find comfort in myself. I want to stop feeling so lonely and sad all the time. I don’t want to wait for someone to fix the parts of me that are broken. I want to fix them myself. I don’t want to wait for someone to love me. I want to love myself. I don’t want to wait for someone to make me better. I want to be the one that makes me better. I want to be the antidote. I just don’t know how.

We live in a world where people hide their emptiness with a smile, their sorrow with a laugh, their loneliness with a mask. We live in this sad and hollow world where no one and nothing is as it seems. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow with this same darkness suffocating me. I want to live well. To be alive and let myself go. To find my place, my people, my happiness. To create a future with my bare hands and fortitude. I just want to believe that if I try then things will brighten and all this pain will have ended in happiness. I need to know that it will get better. I will get better. Life will get better.

Every day I die a little more on the inside. Pieces of me fade away into the sadness that consumes me. I’m fighting with everything in me to keep from drowning in sorrow. I’m tired of feeling like nothing. Tired of feeling like I’ll never be enough. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like an outsider. Never finding a place or people I belong with. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I’m invisible, that no one truly sees me. I just want to be seen, to be acknowledged, loved, wanted, needed. I need to believe that I matter. That my life is more than just existing. I need to feel like I have a place here, and I feel none of those things.

I’m lost with no way out of the darkness. I just want shine brightly but my light is hidden by the shadows. Unseen and unknown. I hurt inside all the time. No one sees my pain. There are no physical wounds on my body, but inside I’m scarred all over. I wish someone would look a little deeper, and peel back the layers of me. I wish they’d open their eyes and see the struggles inside of me.

 

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~ by tsunamiblues on December 16, 2010.

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