A Bit Of Honesty…

Sometimes I don’t want to write it all down. I don’t want to acknowledge the dark thoughts inside my head. Because the minute I write it down, it becomes real. I’m beginning to realize that it’s going to be a while before I will find someone I can be with. Someone I could love. Because I’m not ready to be someone who will be loved. I know I don’t need to be perfect. I know there are parts of me, those scars and flaws that will always be embedded in me. I know that, but deep down I realize that the person I am I don’t love her, so how can I expect someone to love me when I don’t even love myself.

I’m afraid. I’m  terrified that in this world there isn’t a person for me. There isn’t a person I can hold hands with, kiss goodnight, share my life with. There isn’t a person in this world that will be my missing puzzle piece. That I’m going to end up all alone, or settle for someone I don’t truly love. I can’t imagine him. I can’t imagine that there is a man who I will share my life with. A person I can share my dreams, fears, burdens…everything with. I just can’t begin to imagine that I’d be lucky enough to find him, let alone share a life with him.

I see old couples and I wonder will I ever have that? Will I ever share a lifetime beside someone? Going through the beauty and tragedy of life together, side by side through it all. I can’t imagine meeting someone, and finding them to be a person I can trust will all the secret parts of me. A person that sees through me and into me the way no one else does. Finding someone who gets me, understands me, respects me, accepts me, and loves me. Is there such a person out there for me?

I just cannot imagine that this dream could become a reality. That such a person exists for me to have. It seems so impossible, so untouchable that I often think I should just except that I’m going to spend a lot of my life alone. I’m 23 years old, and yes it seems like I have all the time in the world to find true love, but wouldn’t you want to meet your person as soon as you could? If you knew your person was out there, living their life, waiting for you like you wait for them, wouldn’t you want your paths to cross ASAP so you could spend the rest of your lifetime together?

I want that. The closeness and intimacy of being with someone. I want that bond, that connection, that spark with another person. Where one look from them can set you free, one touch can soothe away all your pain. one word can take away your worries. I want to be in a relationship, but I haven’t found a person for me. So many of my friends are in relationships, married, starting families, dating, but me I haven’t even started and they are miles ahead of me. It’s not a race. I’m in no rush to get married or have kids, but I’d love to be part of a pair.

To be with someone and have that togetherness of love. To go through life hand in hand on every road we travel on. I’d love to have someone who will be at my side through the good times and the bad. Someone I can turn to for comfort, affection, encouragement…love. I’d like to know what it feels like to be someone’s person. I’d like to experience what it feels like to fall in love together. To find someone I can bare myself to. Someone I can trust. Someone I can be close with. Someone I can love.

I’m trying to live my life, and not spend all my time day dreaming about love, but it is hard when everyone around me is either in love or looking for love too. At the end of the day, there is not a person in this world who doesn’t want and need love in their life. I want to hold his hand. Have him wrap his arms around me. Wish him a good day, and say goodnight before we fall asleep . I want to introduce him to my family, and meet his. I want to sit next to him and watch tv, talk about our days and dreams. I want to fight and makeup, to stretch each other to reach for our dreams. I want to do it all, knowing that he’ll be there through everything.

So to be honest I’m scared that it won’t happen for me. Or that I’m going to have to get used to the loneliness of not having someone because it’s going to be a long time before we find ourselves on the same path. I’m scared I’ll miss him, or he’ll get lost in the chaos of life. I’m just scared that I’m going to turn 30, alone, and wishing I had someone. I had a dream for myself at 30. I’d be married to my best friend, pregnant, and happy. My secret dream seven years from now. I’m scared I won’t get either. I won’t be a wife and I won’t be a mom. It will just be me, myself, and I.

That’s seven years from now, and a lot of things can happen. So my hope is that wherever he is in this world. If we know each other or we haven’t met yet that life brings us together soon. Maybe we start off as friends and it deepens into something more. Maybe we hate each other and find ourselves falling into love. Maybe we are strangers who just connect. So many maybes, what ifs all lead into the infinite possibilities of our encounter. I just hope that it’s sooner rather than later.  I’m waiting for you, hoping that you are happy, healthy, and loved wherever you are.

When I think about the you I don’t even know I just hope that life has been sweet to you. I just hope you are living well, and making your dreams come true. I hope that life before us is good, and that life with me is even better for you. I hope you come from a family with a big heart and lots of love, and I just hope you are happy and healthy wherever you are. I cannot wait to meet you, to know you, to love you. I can’t wait to spend a lifetime of being by your side and having you at mine.

I’ll live believing and hoping that one day will be the day everything changes. The beginning of life with you in it. The start of you and me walking through life beside one another. I’ll live like that, knowing one day all the waiting will end and you’ll finally be there.

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~ by tsunamiblues on December 12, 2010.

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