Goodbye My First Love…

Dear You

I know now that I must let you go. Despite the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the confusion, the longing still there I can and will let this love go. I have no regrets. I loved you with everything inside of me. Once I realized the truth I didn’t hold back. I didn’t run away. I didn’t hide from it or you. I told you with honesty and sincerity. That is the way I love you, but I can’t and won’t anymore.

No matter how I feel about you, you don’t feel the same about me. I fell in love with you and thought you’d fall in love with me, but you didn’t. That is the truth. This love is all me and none of you, that is why it won’t be. I feel more. I care more. I want more, and I deserve more. You don’t feel enough. You don’t care enough. You don’t want more, but you do deserve someone you can love. You and I are friends. We can’t go back to the past versions of ourselves and change things. We grew up, we changed, we moved away, we live different lives.

It’s just never going to be more than friendship between us, and I have finally accepted that. I still waver, but deep down I realize that this isn’t right. I want more. I want more than you’ll ever give me. I deserve that, to have someone love me back. To have a person who adores me the way I adore them. To be the center of their attention. You’ll never give me that, and I can’t wait for you. I won’t  anymore. This hurts too much, and I deserve to be happy.

I wanted the person beside me to be you. I wanted to walk through life with you. That will never happen. You’ll never be the guy for me. You’ll never be more than my friend, no matter what I want. I didn’t want to accept that. Deep down inside of me I didn’t want to give up on you, to give up on this love I have for you. Sometimes we have to give up, we have to let go, so that life can give us something even better, even more right for us. I wanted to believe if I waited, if I was patient I’d find that you loved me back. The truth is for you I’m an option not a priority. I’m the girl you knew in college. The girl who was/is your friend, but never more.

It was me that felt more, that wanted more than you could or world give me. When I told you how I felt, it was the bravest thing I’ve ever done. Me, the woman who didn’t know love like this until you has finally realized that love can end just as it began. I’m letting go of you, letting go of this love because I want more. I deserve someone who is going to put me first, who is going to be there for me, who is going to love me with all his heart. Someone who isn’t you. As much as I wanted you to be him, you are never going to be my person. You are not the person I’ve been waiting for. No matter how much I wanted you to be that person, you won’t be him. You and I are not going to live out a fairytale love story. You are not my happy ending. No happily ever afters between us. This truth hurts, but it also sets me free.

I won’t doubt this love. I won’t regret it. I won’t hold onto it. I’m letting go of you as anything more than a friend. I’m letting go of hoping for us to be more than that. You are on your own journey and I am on mine so let’s leave it at that. Let’s go our separate ways and wish each other luck and happiness. Let’s live well, and believe that the other is enjoying their life. The boy I fell in love with is becoming his own person, and the girl who fell in love with you is becoming her own woman. I’m proud of us. I’m proud of me for finally opening my heart and even now not closing it back up. I’m proud of myself for facing love with courage and heartache with the same. I’m proud of myself for trying, for being honest with you and me, for being sincere and genuine.

I’m not perfect. You are not perfect. We are flawed beings. I loved you for all of that, for your good and bad. It’s not your fault you don’t love me. We fall in love hoping the other person loves us back, but never expecting them too. I took a risk, the greatest risk of my 23 years and although I didn’t get you, I got a lot of good things for me out of it. I’m not going to hold on to you anymore love. I know deep down we are not meant to be more than this. You are not going to be the person I want and need you to be. I am not the person you need or want in your life.

You taught me about love, and about heartbreak. I now know both. What it feels like to want to put someone else first. To want to make someone happy. I know what it feels like to carry another person inside of you. I know what it feels like to be hurt and sad because of the person you love. To have your insides screaming in misery over them. I know the bittersweet taste of love because of you. Thank you for showing be I am capable of love, and I can overcome heartbreak. Next time, whenever that happens I’ll be even braver, even stronger, even more honest and sincere. I’ll trust that if two people are meant to be in each other’s lives life will give them opportunities to do so.

It’s crazy how we fall in love with people we’ll never end up with. We fall in love more than once, and if we are lucky one of them will last long enough for us to understand what it means to be loved by another person. To build a life with them. To have someone at your side, who’ll be there for a long time to come. I want that, someone who will be there. Who will understand and accept me. Who gets the things no one else does. I deserve that. I am worthy of that. So I’m not going to wait for you. I’m not going to hope for anything more between us. I’m not going to make you are priority in my life anymore. I’m going to say goodbye to this love I have for you. I’m going to say goodbye to the boy I fell in love with. I’m not going to reach out to you anymore. No more initiating anything between us. I’m going to say goodbye to what we once were. To let go of the past and the memories we shared. I won’t forget them, but I won’t put them on a pedestal. I don’t know who I am to you, but I won’t let you become anything more to me.

If we talk we talk. If we become friends again, we become friends again. But I won’t be the one to light that candle. I won’t hold my breath either. I’m going to live my life, love. I’m going to be happy. I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to be proud of myself, and find someone who will notice that. Someone who isn’t you. This chapter of you and I is coming to its last page and whatever happens in the next chapter of my story will have no place for you. I’m on a journey but physically and emotionally and our paths won’t intertwine anymore. I feel like I can breathe again. I won’t be paralyzed by you anymore. It will take self-control and willpower but I won’t wave from this choice to let go of you and my love. I’m going to let time heal me and bring someone into my life that will teach me what it means to be loved, to be adored, to be appreciated, to be…

I was afraid to let go of you because you are the only love I know. I was afraid to lose that, to lose who you are to me. Afraid I’ll never find love again, but I know I have to let you go in order for my heart to be open to love again. A truer and deeper love. A mutual one. There is someone out there for me. Somewhere in this world he is living his life and one day when life deems it right we’ll meet. There is someone who is going to adore my quirky self. Who is going to lay next to me, and not want to be anywhere else. He’s going to be there for me during the good, bad, messy, and great times life brings our way. We’ll walk hand in hand through it all, and make it down each road together. He’ll be my best friend, my biggest fan, my lover, my everything, and I’ll be his. I won’t have to chase after him. He’ll look right at me and I’ll know I’m his and he’s mine. We’ll sit together and have conversations that will be the best parts of my days. We’ll make each other live better, enjoy more, be happy. We’ll support, challenge, comfort, and love each other. We’ll be what you and I never were.

This is the last time I’m say thank you. Thank you for filling my memories with happiness. Thank yo for bringing sunshine into my life. Thank you for being my first love. Thank you for teaching me I can overcome the pain, misery, and loneliness of a broken heart. I credit myself and the people around me for getting through that pain. Thank you for being the first love I opened my heart to. Thank yo for your friendship, no matter how fleeting it was.

Now it is time to say goodbye. Goodbye my love. There is so much to say but the words seem unnecessary now. This chapter of you and I comes to an end. This is the way it should be, so no tears, no sad smiles, just goodbye my first love.

Goodbye,

Me

 

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~ by tsunamiblues on December 5, 2010.

One Response to “Goodbye My First Love…”

  1. Goodbye my love

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