This Love I Have For You…

Dear you:

I cried again because you. If I could count the tears spilled over you would it fill an ocean? What am I supposed to do when my heart won’t let go of you? This feeling, they call is love, but right now it feels like misery. Love hurts, but unrequited love kills. Deep down inside it eats away at my happiness, my joy, and leaves scars behind. I lied to myself when I said I was over you. I lied again when I said I’d moved on. Loving you has made me a fool and a liar.

If I said I didn’t miss you I’d be lying. If I said I didn’t think about you I’d be lying. If I said I didn’t want to ever see you again I’d be lying. I miss you desperately. I think about you constantly. I want to see you everyday. I know that I have to let you go, for both our sakes but I can’t bring myself to do that. How can I forget about someone who means so much to me? How can I forget you? How can I let go of the memories that remind me of what we once were, what we once had? How do I let this love fade into nothingness?

I reached out to you again, and here I am waiting to see if you’ll meet me halfway. If you’ll try to build a bridge between your world and mine. If you’ll give us a chance to sort things out. I must be a fool for doing this, but love makes us all fools and I am no exception. I used to think I was above it all, this thing called love could never make me fall to pieces. I was wrong. Here I lie scattered in every direction, unable to figure out the “right” way out of this mess I’ve made. I don’t know what is the right thing to do or the wrong thing. All I know is that my heart is aching inside because of you, and I want it to stop.

I want this pain inside of me to end. I want to stop crying because of you. I want to stop waiting, hoping you’ll finally see me the way I see you. It hurts knowing that you mean so much to me, while I mean too little to you. It hurts knowing that while you live inside my head, I’m dead inside of yours. It hurts knowing that you don’t love me. It hurts knowing that this foolish me keeps on loving you in spite of it all. I don’t want this. I don’t want to love like this, alone and miserable. I don’t want to walk the distance alone, knowing you won’t be there in the end. I don’t want to spend my days wondering about you when you spend yours ignoring me. I don’t want to love alone. I don’t want to love someone who won’t love me back. I deserve more. I want more. I need more than this, loving all on my own.

I have to let you go. I know that. I just don’t want to. You and I aren’t the same people we were when we first met. You and I are in worlds that have no overlaps. That doesn’t really matter though, because you don’t want me in yours, even though I want you in mine. Love shouldn’t be like this. This miserable, desperate feeling. I’d have given up everything to be with you. I’d have put my dreams aside to stay by your side if you wanted me to. That would have been the worst thing I’d ever have done. Love shouldn’t be like that. We should meet in the middle, and figure it out from there together.

I miss the boy I knew at 18, fell in love with at 19. I miss the you I thought I knew all this time. I close my eyes and I see that gorgeous smile of yours and that breaks me down even more. I don’t want to forget you, but I know I need to so I can let you go. So I can move on and find someone who’s going to love me back. I wish you’d have been the boy I loved and be honest with me. I wish you’d have seen that I was trembling in fear when I told you I loved you. That is the bravest thing I’ve ever done in my 23 years. Telling you I loved you drained all my courage, but you couldn’t acknowledge that and left me in the dark, in this never-ending silence. I can’t describe the hurt I feel inside because of that, because of you.

I just wanted you to talk to me, to tell me the truth, and even now you can’t, you won’t give me that. God, what a fool I am to let you do this to me. To let myself be this shattered over you. I really am a fool in love. I miss you. My mind flashed to moments we shared, to things you once spoke, to smiles we once shared, and I miss you even more. I keep losing you more and more, and you don’t even notice. You’ve hurt me so much, as a friend, as someone I love and trusted, you’ve wounded me in a way I never though you could. I believe in you, in the person I loved, that you wouldn’t hurt me like this, and I was wrong.

I want to tell you all of this, to scream at you for making me into this foolish woman. I want to cry in front of you, for you to see the hurt inside of me. I want you to know, to understand what you’ve done to me. I want you to see that you did something wrong, to someone who’d have done anything for you. I believed in you. I believed in the person I knew you to be. Even if you were scared, couldn’t you see that I was terrified? Even if you wanted to ignore what happened, couldn’t you see the courage it took to be that honest with you? I thought you knew me, but I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things.

I thought we were something special, but all along it must have been that I found you special, and you found me sufficient. We would talk about our fears and dreams, and it felt like we’d have these conversations for the rest of our lives. I always thought that I’d know you even when I’m old and gray. I always thought we’d be a part of each other’s lives. I always thought, you’d be there for me when I need you, just like you said to me years ago. You lied.

Who was I to you? What happened to make us like this? Strangers never to cross paths. Don’t you miss me? Don’t you wonder about me? Don’t you care? Are you really this cold-hearted person, and I just never saw it? Did I see you, but not really see you? I wish you’d open up to me and tell me the truth so I wouldn’t have to speak for you. I wish you’d find the courage to speak for yourself and talk to me. I know that loving you, doesn’t mean you have to love me back. Even before I loved you, I was your friend, or did you forget that.

Did you forget we were friends? Did your forget the past we shared? Did your forget me? Was I so easily forgotten? So insignificant you couldn’t even reach out to me. Was I really such a small moment in your life when you were pages of memories in mine? They tell me I should hate you, and deep down a small part of me does. I hate you not because you don’t love me, but because you don’t acknowledge me. I hate you for being like this towards me, cold and distant. I hate this silence between us, it breaks my heart not being a part of each others lives.

I’m wounded and you just keep on living like nothing ever happened, and maybe for you nothing ever did happen. I have to let you go, but I don’t know how to turn my heart against you. They tell me time will cure me, but how much time will you steal from me? I’ve been yours since I was nineteen and at twenty-three I am ready to disentangle myself from you, from this miserable one-sided love debacle. I don’t want to spend another second loving you when you will never love me back. When you won’t even talk to me.

I wonder what would have happened if I’d held it in. If I’d kept my feeling buried deep inside of me, and never told you the truth. The truth you deserved, the truth I wanted to tell you. I love you, I am so deeply in love with you. I love the way you smile, the way you see the world, the way you bring light into this dark world. I love you in all your flawed beauty. To me you are perfectly flawed. I don’t regret telling you, I’ll never regret telling you. My only regret is that I lost you as a friend, and that I never had a chance to be more than that. I regret that this is our ending. I regret that you decided that silence was the best choice. I regret this outcome, but not loving you. I will never regret that.

You showed me what matters in a person. You showed me I was capable of letting someone inside my life, my world. You taught me what it means to love someone, and even if you never understand the deepness of your importance to who I am, I’ll know. I’m thankful for the memories of you I have. I’m thankful for the smiles I received. I’m thankful for knowing you, and in my mind you’ll always be the first  boy I loved even if you aren’t the last.

Right now I love you, I miss you, and I hurt because of you. Let’s see where I am one year from now.

Love,

Me

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 22, 2010.

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