Breathe Again

I’m sitting in my apartment crying because I’m upset that I don’t have the means to fix everything that is broken. I’m trying to live well, to do well, to be well but sometimes I’m overwhelmed by this world. By the situations and circumstances we end up in. By the people that surround us. By the love I have for the people in my life. I just wish I could make it all better, but I can’t. I can’t make it all better for them, and I’m worried that I’ll destroy myself trying too.I’ve always been that kind of person, someone who sees more than what our eyes do. I can’t ignore it, that there is a lot of darkness in our lives, in our world. Sometimes I feel so helpless because no matter how I try it isn’t enough to make all the bad things go away. I’m upset because I don’t know what it feels like to be 23, to have that youth and freedom even though I am 23. I didn’t get to be a child, and I don’t want to be an old woman in a young body. I just want to breathe, for everything to just work out so we can finally enjoy this life we have.

I think a lot about not knowing how much time I have, and wanting to enjoy my days because I don’t know how many I’ll have, but I can’t live just for myself. I can’t be selfish like that even when I want to because my family, my friends are my reason for existing and if and when they need me I can’t turn away from them. Even if they keep making me hurt because of them I still can’t walk away. They are my family, but they are killing me with the bad choices they make.

I can’t change them. I can’t control them. I can only talk to them, lead by example, and keep trying hoping that one day they’ll see my earnestness and make that choice to be better, live better, and do better. I’m hurting and stressing because of my family, and I just feel really overwhelmed right now. I wrote to my best friend because I knew she’d understand and help me to untangle the knots in my mind. As usual she gave me what I needed, someone who understands. Who doesn’t judge me, and I felt really thankful inspite of everything for her.

I hope all of you have one person that you can turn to in those moments when things tumble down, when you feel like you are going to close yourself off. I hope there is someone who will care enough to reach out their hand and pull you out, lift you up, and give you warmth. I can’t imagine life without her. It took me till I was 17 to find her, and ever since she came into my life I’ve had someone who sees me, more than the words I say, or the silence I keep. I can turn to her, and she will be there when I’m ready.

So I hope you get to meet someone like that. Someone who helps you breathe again. Someone who clears away the cobwebs and helps you see again. Even though I’m hurting, her words have given me comfort. Which is what we all need. She can’t fix everything, or give me definite answers, but she does what she can. She gives me comfort, and I hope you have that kind of person in your life. I really hope you do, and pray that if you don’t you meet that person soon.

I can’t have happiness if the people around me are suffering, and right now they are, but I’m not strong enough or capable enough to give them the solutions they need. I hate feeling powerless, but that is what I am…


~ by tsunamiblues on October 8, 2010.

2 Responses to “Breathe Again”


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