As I was sitting at my desk at work I felt the coldness of the day creep into my skin, but as I looked outside the windows I couldn’t help but smile. The sun was shining so beautifully and my mood just lightened. I watched the leaves sway, and I thought to myself “when do I fee free?” When is it that I feel that feeling of perfect, spectacular freedom. When I feel most like myself, happy, peaceful, alive. When I don’t have to pretend or be anything I’m not. When I’m me…when I’m free. As I wondered about me, I wondered about all of you, when do you feel free?I feel the most free when I am writing, dancing, and laughing. When I’m writing I’m the most honest with myself, with all of you, with this world. You might not know me outside of my writing, but you probably know me better than everyone around me. They don’t know or see this side of me. They don’t know my darkness, desperation, fear, and insecurities. They don’t know what I really want them to, because I don’t want them to carry my burdens, or blame themselves, and I don’t want them to see my vulnerability because I can’t trust anyone with that/me yet. I’m afraid to let someone that close to me, even if they are my family. They all have so much going on in their lives that I don’t want to add extra weight to the load they carry.

When I’m dancing my mind shuts down and all I can feel is the beat, all I know is the rhythm of the music. There is a smile on my face, and my body moves of its own accord. People always say I dance beautifully, but that’s not what matters. It’s that feeling of enjoying myself that lingers even after the music stops. Sometimes I’ll dance around my apartment and just let myself grasp that taste of freedom all over again. I’ve always loved to dance, and I think I always will.  My mind takes a backseat and my body, heart, and soul get to come out and play. It’s an amazing feeling.

When I’m laughing all the problems, worries, fears…everything goes away. I can feel the happiness spread inside of me and I am free. I love to laugh, to make others laugh and smile. We all need laughter in our lives. When I get home from work I like to watch something that makes me laugh like Glee or The Mentalist because all the stress melts away in those 45 minutes and after I am recharged and ready to do what needs to be done. I love funny movies and shows because we all need funny in our everyday lives. I’d like to make someone laugh and smile everyday. I’d like to add some joy into their lives. I hope I do…

So what does being free means to me? It’s when I am myself. It’s that moment or feeling or not wanting to be anything or anyone but me. That feeling of acceptance, joy, and happiness just as I am, and I feel like that when I write, when I dance, and when I laugh. I wish we could all live free lives. Feel that liberation inside out. Live freely loving and accepting ourselves and others. I dream about a life and world where all this sadness, desperation, hatred, insecurity that poison us disappears.

30 Seconds To Mars “Attack”
I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free

I see so much of that darkness I feel in other people and I wish that I could take it away and leave them only with light. It hurts to know that I’m not the only one. It’s sad to know how many people are suffering in the darkness and no one sees it. No one notices what they are going through. I wonder all the time who can I be, what can I do that will help to bring people out of their darkness, that will give them hope, strength, and inspiration. What can I do to help them find the power that’s always been there to fight, to not give up, and to remember that they matter, that they have a meaning and a purpose for their life. That the bad times, the bad people, the bad…won’t last forever. That their circumstance or environment doesn’t define, control, or own them. That they are more, more than their parents, more than their past, more than their present, more than their mistakes, more than their failures. I believe that we can all overcome those things, people, situations, and…that threaten to tear us apart. I still have hope, and no one and nothing can or will take that away from me.

Hope is enough of a reason to keep pressing on, to keep fighting, to keep dreaming, to keep smiling. I have hope for myself, and for you. We might not know each other in the “real world” but you all know a part of me that no one here does. What matters is that what I write is as much for you as it is for me. My hope is that I can somehow help you. That when you stumble upon my story you find a kindred spirit in my words. Someone who understands. Someone who’s been there. Someone who is there. Someone who cares. Someone who believes in you. Someone who knows that you matter.

I’d like to believe that when I write these words that they find their way to you when you need them. That they brighten your day, your heart, and make you smile, make you think, make you fight, make you laugh. I’m only one person, and I’m nothing special or extraordinary, but I don’t need to be anything but me, because I know that I have a gift and I can use this gift to help someone. I just have to figure out how. I believe that one person can make a positive difference in someone’s life. Whether it’s with a hug, a smile, a helping hand, a kind gesture…we can do something to make someone feel a little less alone, a little less miserable, a little less lonely, a little less afraid, a little less hopeless.

We can crush people with our words, but we can also lift them up. So when I write, when I speak I try to lift people up because I know what it feels like to be crushed. I know how one word can bring you down, destroy you, make you feel broken. I don’t want to do that to anyone. We won’t always be able to not hurt someone, but we sure as hell can try to make few and far between.

As I get older, and experience more of life I find people who inspire me to stop trying to be someone I am not. You see, we’ve got to stop tiring ourselves out trying to be someone we aren’t. Look in the mirror, and really look and see yourself. We’ve all got good and bad, faults and talents, the thing is to find that balance and the strength to overcome our bad and our faults. To accept them and move past them. You’ve got to find people who are going to be there for your good and your bad, your faults and your talents. Real friends, real family, real love. I’m learning to give more of myself to them, and see what happens. Being afraid of getting hurt,  keeps us from feeling a lot of things like love, friendship, and yes even hurt. We are stronger when we overcome our fear and try. It doesn’t matter what comes after, because we tried, we leaped, we risked. If we get hurt we heal, if we fall we get back up again because there will be times we overcome, succeed, fly, and those are worth risking the negative emotions for.

I’m still figuring it out as I go, and I think I’ll spend my whole life figuring it out, but I’m trying, I’m hoping, I’m believing because otherwise I’m already gone. As long as I have hope, however small or big, however deep or shallow, as long as I have hope in myself, in you, in our world I can’t and won’t give in or give up.

So I’m saying to all of you find those moments when you feel free, and hold on to them, keep them going. Find other people you can be and feel free with. Do the things you love, that make you happy. A lot of the time I wonder if I deserve happiness, but you know what we ALL deserve happiness, to be happy, to enjoy our lives, to feel good inside and outside, to find love, friends, and home. I know it gets hard, hell it gets miserable sometimes, but it gets better, it will get better. I don’t have all the answers, I have so many questions but I just know that we all deserve to be free and to be happy.

I told my friend that’s my goal in life. To be happy, live happily, and do my best to give other people happiness. Some people might laugh at that, but I don’t think they understand how hard it is to achieve that, to feel that, to live that. Happiness is my goal, it’s my dream, and my hope. I’m not ever going to stop seeking ,discovering, or finding MY happiness. I hope you don’t stop either.

I’m rooting for you!!!

Always, Tsunamiblues

One touch can fill a life of longing
Not much is so much more than nothing
Yeah – All you need is
An open smile to win you over
One single step will bring you closer
Yeah – All it takes is one

And when you’re running for cover
And you feel the sky falling down upon you
And when it feels like forever
Since you’ve seen the face of someone who loves you

Then one is all that you need
All that you need to keep you warm
Is all that you need
All that you need to move you on
It’s all that you need
All you need is

One word to fill a room of silence
A hand to offer you some guidance
Yeah – All you need is
A moment long enough to notice
That everything’s stepped into focus
Yeah – All it takes is one

And when you’ve running from questions
And it seems like uncertainty controls you
And when you looking for answers
In the eyes of somebody who knows you

Then one is all that you need
All that you need to keep you warm
All that you need
All that you need to move you on
Is all that you need
All that you need to get you home
All that you need
All you need is one


~ by tsunamiblues on October 6, 2010.

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