Confession

I’m not over you. I’m not even close to forgetting you. I still love you. I still miss you. I still wish we could fix this. I’m such a fool, and you don’t care that you’ve bruised something precious inside of me. I keep crying because of you. Your coldness and silence have damaged me, and I haven’t been able to repair that. I’m so exhausted by my feelings for you but they haven’t faded away. When will I be able to let you go? When will I be able to move on? I want my heart back, where did you abandon it?It’s been 8 months since we stopped being anything to each other. Well since I stopped being anything to you. It’s been 8 months and you are still inside of me. You are still in my mind, still wrapped around my soul. I’m at a loss of how to get over you. To get my heart back and keep it safe inside of me. I just want to stop loving you. I want to stop missing you. I want to stop hoping you’ll reach out to me and fix this. I want to stop believing it you because you’ve disappointed me enough.

I cried this morning again, thinking about you, and hurting because of you. It’s not even that you don’t love me back. It’s that you threw away everything we were without looking back. You discarded my heart, my feelings, me without a second thought. The man I knew, I never thought you were capable of such pain. Was I blind all those years? Was it always that I cared more, gave more, felt more that you ever did? I told you I love you, and then you disappeared from my life. Why? Did you forget all the memories we shared? Did you forget that even before that we were close friends? Even if you don’t love me, don’t you like me enough to be honest?

If you think silence hurts less than rejection then we are both fools, because with a rejection at least you cared enough and respected me enough to give me an answer. With silence everything is left up in the air. You left me with nothing, while I gave you everything inside of me. I want to hate you, I want to detest everything about you, because then it wouldn’t hurt anymore. All the anger would shadow my pain. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all. I just don’t understand you. I wish you’d reach out and talk to me. To just be man enough to fix what you broke…my heart, my trust, my belief in you.

I thought when I left that I’d be able to move on with my life, and let you go. I’ve been trying but you are still deeply a part of me. I still think of you and wonder what you are doing, how you are living, and if you think of me. When something happens I wish I could call you and tell you about it. There is so much I want to share with you, but I can’t. I want to move on, I want to get over you because I can’t live like this. I don’t want to live loving someone who doesn’t love me, who could hurt me like that, who could let our friendship die like that. Was I selfish when I told you how I felt? Maybe, but God I was sincere and honest. I wanted you to know everything I should have told you years ago. It took all of my courage, you took all of my courage, and if you cared even just a little you’d have seen that. You’d have felt it in each word, in each page. You’d have known that I love you, and that even with all my fears, I couldn’t not tell you.

You deserved to know who you are to me, because years from now I don’t want to regret not saying what should have been said. I don’t regret telling you, because it is something you should have always known. I want to fix this, but then I wonder if we can fix this. If we can be friends again, if we can be anything. I don’t know, but at least we could do better than this silence. All those memories of you haunt me. I’d love to erase them and you from my being, but I know that even with this bad memory, we had a hell of a lot of good ones. Did you forget that? That you and I were friends. We met when I was eighteen, we became friends, and I fell in love with you at nineteen. I’m going to be 23 years old next Sunday, and I know that you won’t remember, and that you won’t be a part of it. I don’t want to hold onto you anymore. So tell me how I can let you go. I don’t want to spend another second loving you, when you don’t love me back. I don’t want to be this kind of person. Loving one-sidely and wasting time.

How can I let you go? How can I let these feelings die an honorable death?  I’ve been carrying them for years, how do I bury them for life? I love you, but I know I want to stop loving you. I want to be happy without you in my life. I want to move on just as you have and be happy without you. I want to fall in love with a good man who will love me back the way I deserve. I’m worthy of the love you couldn’t give to me. I want to let myself love again, but I don’t want to go in with only half my heart, so give it back to me. Give me back my love, so I can be free again. I gave it to you so innocently and freely because I trusted you.

I trusted you. I believed in you. I loved you. You are the first man to make me believe in love, and then make me question it. You made me a better person, opened up my eyes to what really matters. You taught me so much, and then you just stomped all over it. I’m sorry if I scared you but even then couldn’t you see that I was terrified too!  I couldn’t sleep, eat, or think waiting for you to respond. I was tormented, and then I realized that you’d never respond back. I gave you three chances, and you disappointed me each time. What are you so afraid of? Is telling me so scary? I told you, all I wanted was an answer. No matter what it was I needed to hear it from you. After telling you everything, you couldn’t even give me that. You couldn’t even tell me that you don’t love me. That you never did, and you never will. If you’d said that I’d have understood, because I told you in my letter, that. I told you that loving you didn’t have the condition that you had to love me back.

You had your own life, and if there was someone in it then you should have just been honest with me. We were always honest with each other, that is what made us close. We shared beats of time and filled them with our fears and dreams. I trusted you, for the first time in my life I let a man past my barriers, and you left me in the dark. Everything reminds me of you, songs, the sun, being here. I’m reminded of you and us too often.

I want to not love you anymore, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to stop loving someone once I have. I can’t turn off my heart like that. You are the first man I’ve loved in my life, but I don’t want you to be the last seeing as how you don’t love me. I want to let you go, so that I can love again with someone who will love me. I deserve that, and you deserve to find someone you will love. You’ve had my heart for over 3 years, and I want it back. I want it back, so I can give it to someone who won’t abandon it. I want me back, the woman I was before loving you. I want to smile and laugh freely again, I don’t want to cry anymore because of you. I don’t want to cringe when I hear your name. I don’t want to be reminded of you everyday.

We are over. We are finished. We are nothing. You don’t love me, and you don’t want me. I want to let go. I need to let go. I’m dying inside loving you like this. It’s unbearable loving all on my own. So help me stop, please someone tell me how to stop. How to let him go. How to realize that this love is never going to be anything more. How do I move on, when my heart still is his? I want to, God I want to move on, so help me figure out the how.

Love, you were like the sun to me. You gave me warmth, and you brightened up my life. In the end you burned me, and that scar is still there. I haven’t died, and I will not. I will heal, and come back stronger. If we meet in the future, I won’t bow my head or turn my back from you. I’ll smile, hold myself up high, and wish you every happiness. I’m going to have that, I’m going to have happiness and love in my life. You just won’t be a part of it. I’m going to move on, somehow and one day you won’t occupy any space in my life anymore. That day will come, when I don’t love you anymore. When I don’t hurt because of you. When I don’t cry remembering us. I won’t let you take anymore of me, when you won’t give anything of you back.

I love you, but one day that love that you threw away will belong to someone else. Someone who will cherish me, and love me the way I deserve. I’m worth a lot more that you gave me, and I will have it all. I don’t regret loving you because loving you helped shape me into someone who knows she can love, get hurt, and pull herself back up. The next time I won’t hesitate, I won’t pause. I’ll be brave and love sincerely. There is someone out there for me, and one day we’ll meet, and the rest of our days will be beautiful.

Be blessed,

~Tsunamiblues~

~ by tsunamiblues on September 11, 2010.