Naked 2

Sometimes I don’t want to write, because I know if I put how I feel into words then it becomes real, then it becomes unavoidable…

Naked

I’m sitting here in my apartment thinking about honesty, but most of all I am thinking about love. Not the love of or for someone else whether platonic or romantic. I’m thinking about the love of oneself. The truest and deepest love that we should have. Something I don’t have, but something I need. Lately, I’ve been thinking about loving myself. Instead of wanting or needing someone to love me, I have to love me first. I mean really, unconditionally, and beautifully love myself. Love myself in the way I want and need others to love me. I don’t know why I don’t love me but I don’t. As much as I want to fall in love with a good man. I know deep down from my insides out that I have to fall and stay in love with me.

When I look in the mirror I don’t like what/who I see. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel special. I just feel hollow. I feel ordinary. I feel ugly. No one is as mean or critical of me but myself. I don’t know when it started that I hated what I saw. I felt disgusted because I’m not beautiful in the way the world defines beauty. In the way I’ve defined beauty. I’ve got to start at the root of my problem and it starts with my definition of beauty. I’m so focused on what matters on the outside, when I know what really should matter and what really counts is that inner beauty. Something no one can take away from me, something I have to protect, nurture, and believe in. I don’t feel beautiful on the inside or the outside. I feel like I need others to tell me I’m beautiful to feel beautiful, and I know that is bad/wrong. I don’t want to see my beauty in the eyes of others. I want to see it through my eyes. I want to own it, shape it, love it. I want to love me, for my beauty, for my flaws, for my good and my bad. I want to love me, and I’m not sure how to go about it, but I want to try, and one day I know I’ll love myself the way I should have always loved myself. I want to love myself first, and then let someone love me not the other way around.

In less than 2 months I’ll be 23 years old. I don’t know why its taken me until now to start discovering myself, start loving myself, start believing in myself. I don’t know why I am my own enemy. Why my eyes are blinded to the good inside and outside of me. It’s easy to see the darkness, but the light that’s harder to look at. I want to let my light shine. I told myself 2010 would be my year, but I feel like I am falling in the dark again. I’m trying to be strong on the inside, I’m trying but sometimes life just sucks and it brings me down, but I keep picking myself up, and I’m going to keep fighting. I want to live. I want to love. I want to dream. I want to laugh. I want to dream. I want to smile. I want to dance. I want to be alive. I want to enjoy the time I have in this world before it ends. I don’t want to spend my time sad. I don’t want to keep crying over the same things. I don’t want to waste another year wishing I had done this, wishing….I want to live right now, today, in this moment I want to live brightly. I want to run towards life with open arms and let it rush through me. I want to feel it course through me and entangle itself with me.

I want to focus on me, not on the bad, but finding out my good. Discovering and creating the person I am, the person I want to be, the person I need to be. I want to focus on loving myself. On falling hopelessly in love with me, and accepting myself for who I am and who I am not. I want to stop letting fear paralyze me, control me, scare me, hurt me. I want to acknowledge it, and plow through it. I don’t want to keep pretending everything is okay. I don’t want to keep pretending I’m okay. I want to be honest with myself, to find the truth in my lies and figure out how to be better, how to feel better, how to live better, how to… Sometimes I feel so lonely and wish someone would take my hand and squeeze it tight, but I know that I have to be my strength. I have to find that strength and courage inside of me to pick myself up when I fall, to believe in myself when no one else does, to know that I am worth everything, that my dreams are mine to dream, that no one has the right to make me feel small and insignificant. I matter, I matter, I matter, I matter, I matter. My life matters, my dreams matter, my pain matters, my words matter, I MATTER. I  have to believe that, breathe that, live my life like that, and if I’m lucky I can help someone else believe they matter, that what they do and who they are matters, that their life has meaning, has purpose, has beauty…has everything.

I know now what I want to do with my life. I don’t have all the details, but I know that I want to help people like me not feel this way. I know that my story, my pain, my journey can save a life, can help someone else not go through the same thing, and let them know that they are not alone. I know that I will use my life and my time to share my story and to help others write their own. We all have a beautiful and unique story to tell, and how I want to hear yours. I thought that I didn’t matter, that my life was an option not a priority, that my existence wasn’t necessary. Sometimes I still wonder, in my darkest moments I wonder, but I know, deep down where it counts, I know from my soul to the bones in my body that I matter, that my life matters, that even when it is hard, even when I feel like I can’t breathe, that I can’t take it anymore, that anything is better than this hurt, this pain, this sadness that I matter, that my story can only be told by me so I have to tell it, I have to live it, and God I have to love it.

I don’t know how long it will take to get to that place, that place of peace where I love me, I really love me, I accept me, I believe in me. I don’t know how long it will take to get to that place where I wake up without worrying about what is to come, but instead look forward to what experiences today brings. I don’t know how long it will take, but I know it won’t happen if I don’t try. It won’t happen if I don’t strive to make it happen. I’m dreaming of those days when I can look in the mirror and smile at who I see. Where I can walk out into the world and keep my head held high knowing and showing this world who I am, and the beauty that shines brightly through me. I’m going to get there, I’m going to be that beautiful woman. I am already her, I just have to see her, I just have to believe in her, I just have to let her in, let her light shine, let it wash away the fear, the sadness, the criticism, and just exist. I am beautiful. I matter. I am worth it. My life is mine to enjoy. My dreams are mine to dream. My light shall shine brightly and illuminate this world. I love me, and I am so worthy of the love that I have waited for.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to justify who I am or what I want. I’m tired of feeling like I have to receive approval from everyone. I’m sick of waiting for someone to see me, to love me, to acknowledge who I am. I am who I am because of me, and no one needs to tell me. I am the voice I need to hear, I am the only person I need to prove myself to or find approval from. I know loving myself won’t be easy, and I know the road is filled with potholes but I am not going to give up, and I am not going to give in. I am not going to let this world run over me and let me die. I am going to fight for me. I am going to believe in me. I am going to live for me. I am going to dream for me. I am going to be strong for me. I am going to be brave for me. For me I am going to get up everyday and not back down on life. I am going to be victorious. I am going to change this world for the better. I am going to shine brightly. I am going to tell my story my way, one page at a time. This is my life, and by God I am going to love it, and I am going to live it as best as I can. I am going to smile, I am going to laugh, I am going to scream, I am going to cry, I am going to enjoy, I am going to dream, I AM GOING TO LIVE.

One day, I believe that everything I’ve gone through, everything I am going through, everything I will go through will be a story that gives life to other stories. How I hope that I can help others to not feel like this, not live like this, not suffer like this. I want to be a lighthouse that brings warmth and light, and guidance to others. I want them to know the darkness is not invincible that there is a way out, a way home. I want to be someone they can believe in, someone they can turn to. I’m going to be a light in this world. I am going to use my story to help someone find their own. That is my dream, that is my purpose, that is my calling. It took me till I was 22 to figure out what was always there in my heart and I am going to nurture and protect it for the rest of my life.

My life, my dreams, my love, my everything starts and end with me. I am not going to be the one to crush those precious things. I am going to protect each and every one of those things, one by one. I am going to protect me, I am going to love me, I am going to enjoy me. This is my life and it about time I started living it.

I am ready to love me, to put me first, and to discover and create my beauty from the inside out. Cheer me on, and when I fall help me rise up once more. I will do the same for. I believe in your beauty, your unique and precious beauty. That beauty that grows from inside you and sparkles on the outside. I believe in you, and you better believe in you too. I am going to believe in me, and I am going to love me. What about you?

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU MATTER, YOUR LIFE MATTERS, WHAT YOU DO MEANS SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL, YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO ENJOY, YOU ARE WORTH IT, GOD YOU ARE WORTH IT, YOU DESERVE IT, YOU DESERVE IT, YOU’VE EARNED IT, YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING THIS WORLD NEEDS. BELIEVE THAT, BELIEVE IN YOU, LOVE YOU, ENJOY YOU, TRUST YOU, FORGIVE YOU, YOUR LIFE IS MEANT FOR SO MUCH MORE THAT TEARS, SADNESS, AND REGRETS. LOVE, LIVE, DREAM, LAUGH, SMILE, BREATHE, CRY, SCREAM, BELIEVE…

Loving me, is as much about how I see and feel about myself, as how I see everyone else and this world we live in. I want to find the beauty in me, but also the beauty in others, and in our world. I want to open my eyes  to it, open my heart to it, feel it, believe it, breathe it all in, and let it grow the beauty inside of me. I don’t want to spend another year sharing my life with sadness, pain, or tears. It’s long overdue for me to smile, shine, and enjoy this life I have. I don’t want to die before I understand what it means to live, to love, to one of the living. Neither should you! So if you’re reading this, and you are struggling like me, hold on, fight, keep fighting, keep perservering because you have so much to offer this world, believe that, and keep on trying. One day it will all pay off, and you will inspire others to find their way. Be a light in this world, don’t let the darkness shadow your brightness.

WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE,

~Tsunamiblues~

“No one’s going to be able to fix me, but me. They might be able to give me the tools or some spare parts, but I have to find what was broken, figure out how to repair, and then do it. I have to do this, no one but me can complete this task.” -Me

~ by tsunamiblues on July 28, 2010.

4 Responses to “Naked 2”

  1. Hey Ms. Tsunamiblues, how have you been doing? Been a while since you posted just wanted to say I hope things are going well for you. :)

    • Thank you Robert for asking, it made me smile to see this in my comments. I’m doing good, fighting through the bad and doing my best to appreciate the good. I’ve been doing a lot of journal writing lately instead of blogging. Life has been pretty busy these days with work, but I’m hanging in there. How are you doing? I hope you are blessed, and thank you again for checking on me.

      • I have been doing ok, sorry for the super delayed reply, and checking up on you is not a problem, I love your beautiful writing. I always hope that when you are having rough times I often hope that I can magically through some act of god take on some of that stress or sadness or whatever negativity bombarding you if only to lighten the load on your shoulders a little.

        I mean I can’t pretend to know you extremely well but through your writing I feel like you are a genuinely good person and to me it doesn’t sit right to know that times get rough for you when you deserve so much happiness.

      • Sometimes I feel like thank you isn’t a good describing of that feeling of being thankful towards someone, but I’ll say it to you…thank you for what you wrote. That kind of thoughtfulness means a lot. I wish I could magically make things better for everyone, but I am always reminded of my humanity. Unable to do all the things I want to do for others, but thank you for wanting to carry my burdens even when you have your own.

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