Blink

In the blink of an eye you can lose someone you love. That’s how life is. One moment they are with you, and in the next moment they’ve gone. Life is fragile, and death is final. Our lives are but small moments in the grand scheme of things…

I found out on Monday that the man I loved like a daughter loves a father passed away and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to think about it too deeply because then the hurt starts to seep in, next comes the sadness, and then the tears, before finally I close my eyes exhausted from feeling so much. I can’t seem to understand how he is no longer alive. I get it he died, but I keep asking myself what does that mean? What does death mean? What do they mean when they say he’s gone? I just can’t understand him being gone, him not existing anymore…I can’t seem to comprehend what that means and my head hurts.

I can’t believe that I’m so far away that I can’t go to his funeral. I loved him and he treated me like his own for the last ten years of my life and I can’t even be there to say goodbye. I cannot believe how I took for granted that he’d always be there. I was so busy settling into my new life that I didn’t even call. The last time we spoke was a day or two before I left and he told me to live my life for me, to live it well, and not spend my time worrying. I cannot believe that is the last conversation we are going to have. The last hug I gave him. The last smile and warmth I received from him. I can’t believe he’s not going to be here for the next chapters of my life. To see me get married. To see me become a mom. To see me become succesful in my life. I can’t believe he’s gone, and that I won’t hear his voice again, or feel his warmth in my life.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How am I supposed to move on? I don’t want to let him go? I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to say goodbye. I really took him for granted, but I hope that he knew how much I loved him. I really hope he knew that he’s the father I always needed and wanted. He wasn’t related to me by blood, but he was related to me in every way that counts. My own father didn’t show up for those important moments, but he was always there for me. Always believing in me, always cheering me on, always loving me.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, or how long before I feel better. I feel like this sadness will always be there when I think about him not being around. I’ve never dealt with death of someone I love, and I just don’t know what I should do. Even though he’s dead life is going on, and I still have to go to work and live. I still have to live even though he’s dead. I want time to grieve but life isn’t giving me that. No one understands what I am going through here, because everyone that knew and loved him are back home. I miss home, and I wish I was there mourning with them instead of here all alone. I just don’t know how to accept that he’s really dead. I feel like I’ll wake up and this will all have been a nightmare.

I don’t know what to do. How could he have died? I just don’t understand what death means? What does it mean for someone not to exist in life anymore? I miss him, and I want him back. I miss you, and I don’t want to let you go. I want to see you one more time, to tell you I’m sorry and to tell you how much I love you. I want one more hug, one more conversation. I just want one more moment before I say goodbye. Why did you die on me? I told you I’d see you when I get back, how could you have died before seeing me return home? I feel like my heart is being stabbed over and over when I think of you, so I just want to forget, I just want to ignore everything and pretend like everything is okay. How could you die? I’m trying to understand but I can’t and since I can’t understand you dying then I can’t accept it. I can’t accept that you are dead. I need you, I need you, and you should be here. We all need you, so why leave us? We need you, I need you, I need you, so how could you die? I just don’t understand how YOU could die like that. I close my eyes and hope I’ll see you in my dreams. Hoping I can see you and say goodbye, but you don’t appear. I need you to tell me you are okay, that I can let you go, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget you. I don’t want to forget who you are to me. I don’t want to forget the last 10 years as time goes by. I don’t want to forget who I am because of what you’ve taught me. I don’t want to forget who you are. So just give me one more moment and then I think I could let you go, that I could accept this thing called death, and keep living.

So can you give me one more moment, and then I’ll let go…please I can’t accept it I lose you like this. With no goodbye or last moment, I can’t accept that you’re gone for good. I need you to be that father I needed for years to come, so how can you die when I still need you? It’s too sad to accept that you’re gone. It’s just to heartbreaking to accept that you’ve died. How could you die? I don’t understand what that means? How could you leave us and die? I don’t want to understand and accept this thing called death. I saw you 5 months ago, and so how could you be gone before I saw you again. How could you have died? I don’t accept this…

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~ by tsunamiblues on July 22, 2010.

One Response to “Blink”

  1. you have grasped the finality of death, my dear. I know all your questions from the heart so well.. I’ve asked them a million times. Still no answers – still in an ocean of aching sadness. I don’t know how to get beyond this grayness and grief and unbelieving that he’s really, really gone. I wish I knew..

    I am so very sorry that this happened in your life. I think the hardest idea is to get it into your head that it has, in fact happened – and nothing – nothing – nothing you can say, plea, bargain for, wish, or do is going to change anything

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