Light Outside

A few days ago I was listening to this song, and it made me think of who I was then, and who I am now. I don’t know why he wrote this song, but for me it speaks to the scars that cover my soul. It made me think of “saving my life.” There was a time when life/living felt unbearable. Where everyday was a burden upon my mind. The image that comes to mind is the 20 year old me sitting in my dorm room…crying, thinking to myself that maybe living isn’t worth it. I cringe now thinking about the thoughts I had then. I don’t know if I would have actually gone through with it. I do know that if you are thinking about it, like I was, if you are thinking about how you would/could end things then you/I are already standing on the edge looking down into the darkness below. Wondering if it would make all this noise go away. I thought to myself that I would take some pills and sleep into dying. That was how I planned to end my life, my suffering, my pain. That was how I planned to leave this world. The person I was felt like there was nothing and no one to live for. The person I am now knows there is so much I need and want to love for. That I live for myself and for others. In two months I will turn 23, and I am happy to be alive, for as long as I get to live I will be thankful for everyday. Back then I was in a really dark place, a dark period of my life, but I got through it. I got myself and my life back.

Today I was reading my Dear God and Dear Mom entries and I couldn’t read all of it. There was so much pain and anguish hidden in my words. That was me back then, full of pain, sadness, and anguish. My heart was weighed down with sadness. The only emotion I could feel at the time. I don’t know when it all changed, when the light outside began to seep into my life and take away the darkness. There was a war raging inside of me and no one knew that all of this was existing inside of me. No one knew that I was sad, depressed, and emotionally starving inside. No one knew because I kept it inside, and hid it away letting it come out when I was alone with/in the darkness. In hindsight, I wish I would have reached out to someone, like my older sister. I was scared to let her see this side of me. I was ashamed to feel that way (ugly, dirty, sad). What I realize now is that the people who truly love me/you, feel that way for the better or worst. They will not abandon you when you need them the most. I’m a survivor, and it was me that saved myself. Like my friend said to me during those dark days, “no one can fix you, but you.” I’ll add to that; your family/friends/strangers can give you the tools you need but you have to make the decision to fix what was/is broken. You have to choose to live, to fight, you have to choose to try.

Even now I’m still fighting because I’ve realized how important living/my life is. How beautiful life is, and how grateful I am for the chance to exist in this world. I’ve realized that my life, my story, my struggle can save another’s life. Which is why I am writing this, why I am sharing my story with all of you. My hope is that my story will help you through your dark days. That I can be a light that leads you out of the darkness. That my scars can help heal your own. I’ve realized that this life God gave me has meaning and purpose. Those two things are created with/by my actions everyday. My meaning and purpose are to help, inspire, and save people like me. Those whol are surrounded by darkness and haven;t found anything to illuminate their life. That light starts inside of you and seeps into everything and everyone in your life. I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve walked through the darkness, sometimes I crawled. I’ve looked into the mirror only to see shadows surrounding me. I’ve laid in bed wishing to fall asleep forever. I’ve stood on the edge wondering where I should jump, wondering if I would fall or be given wings to fly. Wondering if the pain would help me feel again.

I don’t have an exact moment when things changed. It started with a letter. I had decided I was going to seek professional help. I knew I need to talk to someone with honestly and openly. I needed someone who didn’t know me and could just be there for me. So shakingly, I went and him and I talked. I cried at first, he didn’t say a word and just handed me a tissue, waiting for me to calm down and talk to him. I did. Just saying everything out loud was like releasing myself from the prison I had made inside my soul. He said something about me only focusing on the bad, the things I hate about myself and my life. He asked me what about the good? What about the things that are good in my life and inside of me? Up till then everything good had been blurred and everything bad crystal clear. I don’t know when all the good things faded away and the bad came to play. I just all of a sudden hated myself and my life and that hatred grew. Looking back now it was always about balance of learning to love myself for the good and the bad, my beauty and my flaws. The same goes for my life.

We sat there and he had me write up a plan (a new start from this point on). A plan for someone who hadn’t known how long she would stay alive. It got me thinking about a future, my future, and made me realize I wanted that. I wanted to have a future. That was the beginning, the day that made me want to live again. It was a much needed start. I had poured my anguish and sadness out, and now I was in a way cleansed. Now I could build myself back up again. I wanted to live. It was still hard, but everyday since that day I woke up and told myself one day at a time, one step at a time, and over the 2+ years since then I still tell myself that. I’m finding, discovering, creating, and exploring what makes me happy and fulfilled. I think about the person I was then, and how far I have come and it gives me strength, especially on days that I can feel the darkness creeping in again. It gives me strength to endure, persevere, and live on. I’ve been through a lot in the past two years (who hasn’t). I got really sick and almost died, had to postpone my dream, got my heart broken by the same guy twice, graduated from college, moved away from home and now I am living everyday knowing that I’ll keep marching on.

I wrote this because in my heart I know sadly that there are others in this world who feel the way I felt. Who are drenched in situations/circumstances that bring darkness into their lives. Others who don’t understand why living is so unbearable, miserable, and/or exhausting. Tired souls, weary beings, who are a lot like who I used to be. People who have lost that feeling of being alive. Who are broken, shattered, and scarred. I think about that a lot, those people like me. It brings me an indescribable sadness knowing that it isn’t just me. I cry for you, and for myself. Which is why I write, hoping that somehow I can do something to make a difference, to help save their/your life, to touch something inside of you and help you find that will to live on. I want my story to inspire you to live so that you can write your own, and help another person find the strength to write theirs. Long and beautiful stories of living.

There will always be darkness, but there will also always be light. Take a step towards that light and its warmth will seep into the darkness and illuminate your life. I hope that if you are reading this, that it helped you diminish some of your loneliness. You are not in this battle alone. I thought that for a long time, but it isn’t true. I am a survivor and you will be one too.

I hope my words and the songs helped illuminate your life. There is a light inside of you that will shine brightly on the outside for all of us to see.



~ by tsunamiblues on June 20, 2010.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: