Sarang 3

What is this sickness inside of me that makes me long to fall in love. I wonder if I want to find love, just to have found it, or because I’ve never had it. In truth, as much as I want love to choose me I feel that my time is far away. At 22, I am just beginning to find/create my way and a relationship could/would get in the way of my self discovery. I don’t know what is right or wrong. I just know that a few months ago I told the person I loved how I felt and he broke a piece of my heart. If it was only a simple rejection I could move on. But it was so cold, unexpected, and painful. It’s like a child learning to walk or ride a bike for the first time, that feeling of doing something with your own power. If they get hurt they will stop trying as hard to learn those things. They will prefer to keep doing what they’ve known…because that is what is comfortable and safe to/for them. Maybe I am longing for the love of a man because I am curious about the reality of liking/loving someone and being in a relationship. I want to see what it is all about.

I don’t think I am an easy person to love. I think my fear of being hurt will keep me from letting someone in. I realize that this pain is a part of love. Love is both beauty and pain, joy and sadness…etc. I learned a lot from this taste of love. I just hope/pray the next love is not so bittersweet. I lost a friend, and got my heart broken all at once. I always feel like I should be stronger and be able to move on but I’m learning to stop pushing myself to be something/someone I am not and to start embracing who I am, and accepting who I am not. When I think about the kind of love I wish to have, it all begins and ends with friendship. A deep and lasting bond between us. The love, understanding, and acceptance of a friend. I don’t want to be just lovers. I want to be friends first and always. Lovers last and forever. I want both.

I want my teammate, partner in everything, and lover. I want our flame to burn brightly and for the color to be deep and vibrant. To illuminate our lives. I want someone I can depend on, talk to, laugh with, argue with, go through life with. Someone I can trust, believe, love, and respect. Someone who will share this life by my side. I want my complimentary person. Someone I can truly love and be loved by.

~ by tsunamiblues on June 2, 2010.

4 Responses to “Sarang 3”

  1. Haven’t seen you post in a while… glad you are still around…

    I hope you find the love that you want. For me things get very lonely very often these days, but I just tell myself i would rather chase after what I envision to be true love and never find it, than to settle for anything less.

    From what I have read, and keep in mind I do not mean any offense if I come off badly, it seems like you sorta let yourself get worked up too much over your first encounter with love.

    I think you liked the guy for whatever qualities he had, but exaggerated how great the sum of him was.

    If he had been half as great as you had painted him to be he would not have responded to you so poorly. Even if he didn’t feel the same way he could have been much more considerate to the position you put yourself in and dealt with it in a more delicate manner.

    On a good note it is a good learning experience for you and people that read about it through you. Sometimes we get carried away in our emotions and they can skew things a bit.

    Anyway if I came off as mean or anything in anyway, I apologize, I am just sharing my take on it and because I respect you and love your writing and have followed it off and on for a good while now, I feel that when I do post it should always be with 100% honesty as a result of that respect for you.

    I hope your next encounter with love is that true love you yearn for.

    I think everyone that is capable of understanding and wanting that kind of love deserves it completely.

    • Honesty is the best policy. Like you said, and like those around me said if he was a better man/person he couldn’t have treated me so badly. When they say love is blind, it’s true. The people we love shine in our eyes, and we don’t see the cracks that are visible to others. I have a few more entries in the Sarang series as the shine begins to wear off and I see what was once hidden.

      I think we all immerse ourselves into love. I’d hope so. It’s when reality begins to sink in that our eyes begin to clear. You weren’t/aren’t mean. What you’ve said is what everyone around me has also said. It took me a while to admit that to myself, because when you love someone, you don’t want to see the bad in them…it kind of taints the love you have for them. This first taste of love taught me a lot about myself, and I know that next time no matter what happens I’ll be able to fall and pick myself up if need be.

      • I guess that’s just part of experience in general cause to me when I love someone these days I can still see any flaws or things that some would consider flaws but obviously I love them even with those flaws, but I don’t try to act like those flaws aren’t real.

        Also people immerse themselves into love in varying degrees.

        You are a die-hard romantic so to be in love for you is a very big thing and you give a lot of yourself to it, this is not a bad thing when you find the right person, but it makes the wrong person all that much more wrong for you because you put so much of yourself into your feelings and they are so intense.

        To be honest there aren’t many people around that can invest themselves so completely in an emotion like love, they think they do/can but they don’t really. That’s why things like divorce rate are so terrible and relationships in general are so flimsy these days.

        Anyway keep being the way you are, it may cause you struggles here and there but because of the way you are you have a greater potential in what kind of relationship you could end up having.

      • Thanks, I think with every pitfall I encounter I’ll become clearer about what I want/need/deserve in my partner. Love like everything else is a journey. Sometimes it will suck but at the end I believe it will all be worth it. Hmm…die-hard romantic huh…? When I read that it made me cringe. It’s true, despite everything I see around me, or have experienced with my parents and the world we live in I’m still a hopeless romantic. I guess it’s the believer in me that true love really doesn conquer all. That’s if we are lucky to find it.

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