Sarang 2

As I sit here, in a room illuminated by my compute screen I think about my life, about love, about relationships between human beings. Today, I told someone for the first time how much it hurt when the person I loved left me in a dark place. For the first time, I was honest with myself. I was honest about how deep the wound is. How badly he hurt me. How he took something from me, and left me with emptiness. It wasn’t that he didn’t love me back, it was his lack of response, of honesty, of understanding. Most of all it was his complete lack of consideration for me, and the love I gave freely and completely to him. He tossed that love aside like it was meaningless. It might have been meaningless to him, but to me it meant everything. After all, I did just give him my heart. So, I’ll be honest with myself and whoever might be reading this. He will always be my first love, the first taste of what it means to love another person. To want to create a relationship with them, and see if you have a future. It was a bittersweet first love, and the wound he gave me is still inside my heart. I’ve cried to many times over him, but today I realized that I deserve more. That I deserve and will have the kind of love I have dreamed of. I deserve to be cherished, wanted, fought for. I am worthy of love, and one day I will meet that man who knows how to love me the way I have been waiting to be loved. I don’t know how long it will take to heal this wound, but each day I am getting stronger, and letting go of him and the pain he caused inside of me. There will be a scar even when the wound heals, but it won’t hold me back from loving again, and believing that one day that person who gets me, loves me, understands me, respects me, and wants me will come into my life. One day our paths will meet and we’ll walk on  the same path from then on.

I won’t lie and say I don’t want to find love now, but I am going to wait for as long as it takes to meet my mate, my partner in life, my best friend; the love of my lifetime. I’m 22 years old and am on this journey to discover myself, my life, and my future. I hope that this year abroad away from everything I know, will be a year of new beginnings and happy endings. I pray that this year I meet that amazing person, who will change my life for the better. I pray that I find someone who inspires and comforts me. Who makes me feel like I am floating on a cloud of happiness and joy everyday. Who I can talk to, and I mean really talk to, about everything, anything, and nothing. Someone who will be my friend and my love. I pray to God that this year will be a year of love of myself, and of another. I pray that this year isn’t like the years before. I don’t know how many love wounds I will endure before I find the love that heals, but I just hope that I won’t spend any more years lonely and waiting. I trust in my God, and I know that when the time is right He will bring us together. I’m waiting for my love, my friend, my heart’s desire to come into my life and let our worlds become one.

~ by tsunamiblues on April 2, 2010.

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