Like Being Hit By A Bullet…

That’s what loving someone feels like. I’ve never been hit by a bullet but like love I can imagine the unexpected pain and shock it brings to you. Like a bullet love pierces through you and leaves you wounded, and sometimes it leads to death. The death of innocence, of purity, the death of love. Yet we still want to be loved and love someone. We still want that pain, and hope that it will only be a flesh wound. We still want to sink ourselves into that love, and enjoy the moments it brings. Love? Its painful, and tiring, and how I wish I could just stop loving that person. My heart is causing me to feel all this pain, when my mind wants to let him go. When will my body and mind be in sync with each other. I want to live my life, without this love holding me back. I feel ready to let go, but my heart is still holding on to him. Maybe because it is the first time, this love is deeply embeded inside of me.

I wish him happiness, but even more so I wish for my own happiness. I wish to move on, and live a life without these feelings or memories. I want to purge myself of that person, and just be able to be free again. It’s like he took something from me, and I cannot get it back. That wound he placed inside my heart doesn’t seem to be healing, everyday is bleeds a little less though. So maybe, if I just give it time, the wound will close up, and the blood loss will end. Maybe, I just have to tell my mind to wait till my heart is ready to let him go completely. Maybe by living each day, and hoping lasting love comes my way, little by little I’ll be able to heal this wound.

As the days pass I will think of you a little less until you disappear from my thoughts all together. I don’t want to shed another tear because of you. I don’t want to ache because of you. I don’t want to love you anymore. I want to move on, I need to let you go for my sake…for my happiness and life.  I need to let you go so I can welcome love with open arms if and when it makes its way to me. I don’t want to hesitate or be fearful to fall in love again. I want to be loved and love in return, and that person isn’t you. So please, help me to let you go, help me to move on from this love. I want to be free from  you, and free to just be me. Free to live, to breathe, to laugh. Free, to love with all my heart.

You pierced through me like a bullet, leaving a hole inside of me. That hole hasn’t closed yet, but with each day it hurts less, and the pain isn’t as agonizing. There will be a scar inside of me, but by then this wound will have healed. I don’t want to live like this, thinking of someone I can’t be with, wishing for someone who doesn’t wish for me. I don’t want to wait for someone who isn’t looking for me. So, wherever you are in this world, help me  to let you go. For both our sakes. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to think about you. I don’t want to care about your life. I want to focus on me, live for me, love me, and leave you in my memories.

I don’t want to linger in the past, when the present is right before me. So I am going to do my best to let you go completely, to not think of you, to not wonder about you, to not wish for you, and most importantly to stop loving you. I hope my heart will listen to me, and purge you from my being. Goodbye, my love, let us never meet again. Let us live our lives separately and never be tangled up again. Live well, and I will live well too.

Be well…

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~ by tsunamiblues on March 30, 2010.

2 Responses to “Like Being Hit By A Bullet…”

  1. Hie!!
    I just posted a similar feeling on my blogpost at http://letusconfab.wordpress.com/2010/03/30/the-thunderbolt-love/
    How similar are our thoughts! I have tried many times to move forward from that ruthless being, but I feel so attracted towards him for a reason unknown to me and he keeps on hurting my feelings unless I feel shattered. I am sad and I am crying, but not anymore. I have someone who loves me dearly and who can bring even the sun down for me to brighten my day. Courage and patience is the key.
    May God bless you!

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