The Ties That Bind Us Together…

So I was watching the latest episode of Life Unexpected, and it got me thinking about my own relationship, or the lack of one I have with my father. My dad left my mom and us when I was seven years old, and up until college we had a semblance of a relationship, but then we had nothing at all. I was tired of broken promises, disappointments, silence, heartbreak, and just the sadness that comes with having him as my father. I wrote him a letter and poured my heart into every word. Letting him know everything that I had felt from when I was seven till that moment in time. All the bitterness, sadness, and hurt inside of me came crashing down on those pages, and like usual he disappointed me and I decided in that moment that I was going to forgive him and let him go so I can be free from those ties that bound us together. I wanted to move away from the past and just live my life without him in it.

That is exactly what I did for the past four years or so, and then when I got sick and ended up in the hospital in August things changed. My aunt told him what had happened to me, and he started to call me everyday, and we started talking again. It was a bittersweet feeling because I knew he would never be a real father to me, and yet I didn’t want to completely shut him out of my life. I told him that this is his chance to make things right, but only time will reveal whether he understands what he has done wrong to all of us. I don’t need him anymore. I am not a little girl, and I have my own life to live now so I don’t need him. It doesn’t matter if he calls me or not. I doesn’t matter if he is a part of my life or not. Everything is in his hands and I will never go out of my way to make him a part of my life. All the work is his to do.  I won’t shut him out either. If he is going to try then I will give him that opportunity and not push him aside.

Today he called me and as we were talking I felt sad inside because I knew that this was such a hollow relationship we have. If this is even a relationship. He is my father, and yet he is like a stranger to me. He doesn’t know me, my dreams, my life, my fears, or anything about me. All he knows is that I am his daughter, but besides that he and I are worlds apart in every way. It makes me sad to know that I will never have the love every child deserves to have from their father. It makes me sad to know that my children won’t get to have a real grandfather. It makes me sad to know that my father has screwed up my life in a lot of ways, and some of those scars will never leave me. He broke something inside of me, something inside of my heart, and for as long as I live that piece of me will remain broken, never to be fixed.

He’s the reason I don’t trust people, because I know what it feels like to be left behind, abandoned, thrown away, unloved…I know what it feels like to give your heart to someone and have them trample all over it. I don’t trust people easily, and I have these insecurities about love and family. I don’t want my children to grown up the way I did. I don’t want them to feel like they are unloved, unworthy,and a burden. I want my future children to have the life I never got, with parents that love each other unconditionally, a family that sticks together through everything, a home overflowing with love, laughter, and security. I want my kids to have family vacations, game nights, family dinners…and so on. I want them to have the home I never had, and to know their father’s love the way I never did.

I don’t know if it is better to have him in my life in this way or to take him out it completely. This time though I know I don’t need him, and that I am my own person. This time I have no expectations, hopes, or dreams when it comes to my father. I take him as he is, with all his pride, selfishness, and foolish behavior. I accept he will never be a real father to me, and that I will always have a hole in my heart and life where his love should have been. I accept that, so it doesn’t hurt anymore, it only stings a little bit. I have my own life to lead now and he will never be able to hold me back, abandon me, or mistreat me ever again. I am not my father’s daughter. I am and will always be only me.

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~ by tsunamiblues on February 16, 2010.

4 Responses to “The Ties That Bind Us Together…”

  1. “I have my own life to lead now and […] I am and will always be only me.” Love LOve This sentence:)

    I completely understand U…
    little by little, you accepted a life without ur Father… It must be very difficult specially when you were little…B cuz, I also know that:) Be stronggggggg Tsunamiblues :):))

    Anyway, I ‘m waiting for your new posts…specially the ones that you’re going to write in 2 weeks :)

    Just for information : I juste finished “SOULEMATE” I really Loved This Drama ^^

    • Soulmate is one of my favorite Korean dramas. You should check out Dal Ja’s Spring, that is another awesome korean drama!!!

  2. I heard about it:) I’ll check it out :) Now, I’m watching…”Stars falling from the sky” :) there is also Shin Dong Wook from Soulemate : it’s really goood too… very funny and sad at the same time…^^

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