When you envision your life what do you see? What do you want? What do you need? What do you fear? What do you believe? What do you dream? What do you create? When you envision how you want to be? Who do you become? What changes? What stays the same? Who is the person you see in your reflection? When you envision the world around you, who is standing beside you? Where are you? What are you doing? Are you happy? Are you sad? What and who do you see?

That word “envision” came into my head today, and it hasn’t left since. I keep thinking about it; the life I envision for myself, the kind of person I envision myself to be, the people I envision surrounding me, the kind of love I envision having, the world I envision. It feels like I am painting this collage inside my head of how I envision everything to be. But the reality of life is that what we envision isn’t always what comes to pass. We can dream it but sometimes…maybe even most times we can’t make it a part of our reality.

But if I could have the life I wanted, if the life I envisioned could become my reality then this is what it would be like, this is who I would be like…if I could have the life I imagined then…

The most important thing would be being happy. Truly, completely, and unconditionally happy with who I am, where I am going, what I am doing with  life, and the people surrounding me. I would like to be someone who brings happiness to others, who inspires them, helps them, supports them. I would like to live a life where I know exactly who I am without a shadow of a doubt and no one can make me think differently. Where I am completely comfortable in my own skin, with all my flaws and scars there for everyone to see. Where I don’t live my life worried about what could happen, but focus on doing my best each day, and making the most of my time here on this earth. A life where I am loved, wholeheartedly, passionately, and tenderly by someone that is truly a gift from God. I think we all want t have one person in this world we can always count on.

Someone who understands us sometimes better than we understand ourselves. Someone who loves us in a way no one else does or ever could. Someone we can be free with. Free to laugh, free to cry, free to vent, just completely liberated with. Someone who we can call in the middle of the night and know they will listen to us. Someone we can tell all our secrets to and know we will not be judged or betrayed by them. Someone we can believe in, and know they will always be worth believing in. Someone we can share a life with, build a life with, have a future with. We all want someone who makes life a little less lonely and a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Someone who gives us warmth, joy, laughter, and most of all someone we can trust and find happiness with. If I could envision my life, I would have that someone who is my best friend and my lover all in one. Someone who I can let in and know they will never take me or us for granted.

I would have a career that means something to me and to this world. A career that helps people find their way. Find that safe harbor, place of refuge, that home they have been looking for. I don’t want to leave this world without helping at least one person find those better days. I don’t want to live selfishly only caring about my own life and my own happiness. No, I want to live a life where I guide others towards their own happiness. A life where I give for than I take.

I would have that group of friends who are like my chosen family. People I can be completely me with. Where I don’t have to hide or pretend to be anyone else. Where I can trust them to have my back in any situation. Friends I can vent to and let them see me at my worst. People who give me warmth, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to my sorrows. People who make me laugh, smile, and happy. People who support me, challenge me, love me, and most importantly people who accept me as I am, for who I am, and never try and make me any other way.

If I could live the life I imagined I wouldn’t ask for riches or power, just happiness, love, and peace. A home I can call mine, filled with family and friends I can count on. A love that truly conquers all obstacles, and grows stronger and deeper with each passing day. A career that does its part in making this world just a little bit better. If I could live the life I have imagined, I would not be fearful or worried or anxious about what it to come, because inside I would know, I would know that everything is going to be okay, everything is going to work out in its own way, and in its own time. If I lived the life I imagined I would have that kind of faith…that kind of strength.

I’ve always been a dreamer and so I can envision my life with so much color and clarity. I guess I am just afraid to envision it too deeply because I fear it won’t come true. It will always be a wish that never bloomed.

Yet I still dream, and hope that one day I can make it my reality, and that I will have the confidence and strength to not fear but to overcome every obstacle, enemy, and doubt with every step I take towards that envisioned life.

I am trying to triumph over my fears and worries but it isn’t easy. I just want to wake up and not be afraid, but instead to smile and greet the day with confidence  and certainty of who I am, what I am capable of, and where I am going. I want to be myself, but sometimes I wonder who exactly is that? I want to stop looking at myself and seeing everything I lack, every flaw I have, and just know that those are only parts of me, they don’t make up all of me. I want to accept myself, love myself, and live the life I have imagined knowing I am worth it and I deserve it. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be helped. I deserve to be trusted. I deserve to be happy. I am worth all of those things. I want to see myself the way I want the world to see me.

I’m tired of pretending everything is okay, when it isn’t. I’m tired of hiding my sorrow with a smile. I’m tired of not being able to talk to anyone, and I mean really talk to them the way I write. I’m tired of feeling alone. Of being lonely. Of being hollow. I am tired of doing things by myself. I am tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling this pain. I am so exhausted and I just wish that I could count on someone to be there for me. I am tired of being disappointed and let down time and time again.

I just want God to cleanse me from the inside out and let me be new again. To start over and do things differently, do things my way, and live the life I have imagined. I just hope God hears me and gives me His support.

~ by tsunamiblues on February 4, 2010.

4 Responses to “Envision…”

  1. I like your writing. It has depth. It intrigues me because your writing with intensity and more importantly your writing how I think, which is amazing, since I dont find people that think like me. And you have command of the english language, which I can respect. I’m with you when you wrote ” I’m tired of pretending everything is okay and…. I mean really talk to them” I really like that entire paragraph.
    The part that seperates you from me is your god thing, I dont have any evidence that god is personally looking after me, I dont believe that there is a god that is there looking out for me, nor anyone else; that is just completely self centered. There has been no evidence in my entire life that god is watching out for me (other peoples ‘miracles’ are my simple statistical probablilities). The stupid always think everything is a miracle. There is no god that has any control that makes my world comfortable for me, it never happens. I am not that special. Nobody is. Mankind just likes to think of themselves as protected, that they are the superior species with special properties since we have the ability to kill every other species here. They like to think that there is a special god looking after them, because after all we humans are just so important. More importantly most men think their god is the one and true god and that other peoples gods are not real. There are more wars fought over whos god is the right god. Its all bullshit. I know I got lengthy and off on a tangent but really, what I want to say is… I like the way you think and write:) Your extremely talented to pull this out of me. Keep writing.

    • I don’t think believing God is looking after me is self-centered, for me it is hopeful. We live in a world full of so much darkness and I for one believe there is some higher being looking out for me and all of us. The fact that I woke up today is a small miracle, that isn’t something to be taken for granted. The fact that I am alive is a blessing and makes me thankful to God. God has pulled me out of the deepest shadows in my life. Everyone is special, every life is special. At least I think that way. I believe that God is God, no matter what name He is called. I believe that He is one and the same for the most part, regardless of differences in beliefs, culture, or language. I believe in God, and He believes in me. Everyday I get to live is a testimony to His love for me.

      But we all believe or don’t believe what we choose, and I am not here to change anyone’s mind, only to express my own. Thanks for reading, and I will always keep writing.

  2. i feel like God allowed me to stumble across this for a reason. reading this was like hearing my own thoughts…i can’t explain it, but i know that this was meant for me to read…thank you for sharing your heart.

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