I’ve been in a funky kind of mood for the past couple of days, and it feels like every step I have taken forward is nothing compared to the step I have taken backwards. I feel like my light is flickering instead of shining brightly in this world. I feel like there is so much inside of me waiting to be shown. I just don’t have anyone who has the eyes to see the deep parts inside of me. I think about all those people out there in this world, who just want/need someone to talk to, and I realize that I want to be that person for them. I want to be the person people can turn to to find shelter from the darkness, refuge from the pain, comfort from loneliness, and understanding from a kindred spirit. I want to be a light that shines brightly and gives them hope, inspiration, and most of all warmth from whatever they are dealing with in their lives.

I just wonder if I can become a person that shines that brightly. If I am capable enough of being someone people can count on to listen more than I talk, comfort more than I am comforted, to be a constant source of strength, to be at their side when they need someone the most. I know what it feels like to think no one understands you, no one gets the part of you that you wish they would see. I know what it feels like to think you are invisible, and that you are nothing. I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and hate what you see. I know, and I want to tell those like me that it gets better, that you have the power inside of you to change your life. I want to be that person people can trust and depend on in their moment of need. That is the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of life I want to lead. I want to be the guide that helps them find their way, create their way, and understand themselves more. I just have to figure out how I can be that person for them. Like a lighthouse that guides them to safety, to warmth, to home.

I’m still trying to figure it out for myself, and my desire to help others makes me realize how I wish I had someone to guide me, to mentor me, to teach me, to be my lighthouse in the midst of all these storms. It is sad how there are so many people out there who just need someone to care about them, to stand up for them, to understand them, to be there for them, to listen to them, to be their source of comfort. My whole life I have learned to depend on myself, to take care of myself, to teach myself, to be that kind of independent person, because the people around me were to busy to take the time to do those things for me. I learned from a young age that the people you love will disappoint you the most, hurt you the most, betray you the most, and abandon you the most. My hope is that future generations don’t have to grow up so fast, and learn the dark slivers of this world that early.

I feel flawed in so many ways, and I know the person I am today, the young woman I am today is covered with those wounds and scars that are like old memories; they might not come to the surface often but when they do it feels like you are reliving that moment of pain, that moment when you lose your innocence and see the world for the reality that it is. If I could have one wish granted I would wish that every child got to grow up in a happy home, where there is no abuse, divorce, neglect, coldness, and most of all no indifference. I wish kids would grow up knowing how strong love can be. Knowing how bonds between families are not easily broken. Knowing that home will always be there waiting for you.

It’s like parents don’t realize how screwed up their kids can become when they are left behind, moved from place to place, treated like garbage, and misused time and time again. For me, my dad abandoned us, and some might even say I got lucky that it was only that. But that abandonment from one of two people who are supposed to love you more than they love themselves becomes a wound that never really heals completely. I think about kids who are thrown away, abused, neglected, and so on, and it makes me so sad that my heart aches, and I wonder why did those people get blessed with kids when they didn’t deserve them in the first place. Every child deserves to be loved, taken care of, educated, and safe. I know in my heart that if there is one thing in this world I want to leave a legacy in, it is helping youth find homes, get educated, and reach their dreams.

I want to be the kind of person that gives them hope, that lets them know that their dreams can be a fragment of reality. That they/we are more than our parents stories, ambitions, abuse, abandonment, memories, failures…we can move past those moments and build a future for ourselves by taking it one step at a time in the present. I guess when it all comes down to it I want to be that beacon of hope for youth in the darkness. That I can and will guide them towards a better place. That they can place their trust in me, and know I will never abandon them, hurt them, neglect them, or turn them away when they need me. That is the woman I want to become, someone they can place their trust in and know I will steer them in the direction that is right for them in every way.

Sometimes I think about the future and feel so scared because everything is so blurry, but I am starting to realize that it becomes clearer with each experience, moment of life, and day that brings us closer to that future. The future is a ever-changing entity, and our choices change it all the time, so instead of worrying I have to live my life and trust that I will reach my future in my own time and way. It all comes down to that trust I have in myself. A  lot of the time I feel inadequate and unsure of myself, but it is in those moments that life teaches me I have a lot to offer this world and the people in it. I am not sure exactly what my purpose is, but I know deep inside of my heart that I am here to help others find their way. I truly believe that my existence is to act as a guide so I can help those that need it find their path.

I’m only 22, and I know I still have a long way to go to becoming the person I want to be, and to be worthy of being a guide to those who need me. I am flawed like everyone else. Sometimes those flaws deter me, and other times they strengthen and enlighten me to the world around me and my place in it. I am far from perfect, but my heart is true, and my desire is clear. I want to spend my life helping others to feel less alone, to know that they have a future worth fighting for, and most of all to recognize their worth and right to achieve their happiness.

One day, I will be the lighthouse they/we can turn to for help, comfort, understanding, and most of all a place where their voice will not only be heard but also listened to…

~ by tsunamiblues on February 1, 2010.

3 Responses to “Flawed”

  1. I don’t know who you are…but I know that I love what you write. I can only say that you have reached me and I’m just amazed how I can relate to your writings. Don’t stop.

  2. I strangely identify with what you wrote here. I’ll have to follow your blog to read more.

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