Love…

Part 1: Romantic Love

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks and it finally came to a screeching climax today. So that person that I wrote my love letter to never responded back to me. I don’t know what made him decide to just leave everything in silence, but it is obvious to me that the conclusion is that he doesn’t feel the same way. If he did he wouldn’t and couldn’t act like this towards me. Maybe I scared him, or maybe he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but in the end he did. Not because he didn’t feel the same way but he didn’t do me the honor of giving me his answer.

The silence hurt more than any rejection, because it made me feel like the biggest of fools. For the first time in my life I found my courage and told the person who was in my heart exactly how I felt and they didn’t even have the courage to give me an answer with words. It doesn’t feel like closure to me. What hurts is I put myself out there, wholeheartedly and he doesn’t even think I deserve to hear a no from him. I guess people will always disappoint you no matter how much you love them.

I’m giving myself time to get over it/him and move on with my life. I believe that there is someone even more right for me out there waiting to meet me, and now I at least know I have the courage to love that person back. Despite this outcome I don’t regret my decision to tell him because I know I tried my best and gave it my all in the end. I can move on knowing that at least I wasn’t a coward. Even though this isn’t the closure I wanted, it will have to do. I won’t wait around anymore because I don’t want to miss out on the person waiting for me in the future.

Part 2: Family Love

Today my mom made me upset to the point that I cried in frustration. It really is true that the people you love will hurt you the deepest, and will leave unrepairable scars on your heart. My mom is a hard working, self-sacrificing woman and I respect and love her for everything she has done for me. But I cannot accept how she makes her life more stressful than it has to be. Instead of organizing her life so she is less burdened and stressed she keep on living in chaos. From her  room to how she manages her time, she just keeps making it harder on herself, and it literally kills me to watch her live her life like this.

The sadness I feel inside when I look at her in unbearable to the point that I just cannot stay here. I cannot keep watching the people I love fuck up their lives over and over and over. I keep talking and trying to help but nothing changes, everything remains as toxic as ever. I cannot keep talking when no one listens. My soul is tired and sometimes I feel like this family love will end up killing me. That I will die of a broken heart because of them. Sometimes I lie in bed and think of them and how they are living their lives and the tears don’t stop. It hurts seeing the people I love making their lives harder than it has to be.

I just don’t know what to do, I am giving my best, but I am still just a young kid in so many ways. I cannot fix them. I cannot change them. They have to make that decision for themselves and live their lives according to their choice. I just cannot be around anymore to watch them destroy themselves over and over. In three weeks I will be leaving to start my own journey in a new place, and I wish with all my heart that my family will get their act together, because I won’t be around any longer to pick up the pieces. I deserve to seek out my own happiness, and I won’t wait around for them to catch up.

Part 3: Self-Love

At 22 I am finally beginning to understand what it means to love myself, and to live my life the way I have imagined. It has been a painful journey to get to this point in my life but it feels so incredibly wonderful to love myself like this. To know that the young woman I see in the mirror each morning is beautiful, flawed, and has so many things to offer this world. To know that I deserve to be loved, cherished, respected, and honored in every way. To know that I am capable of making my dreams into reality and living the life I have imagined for myself. To have that belief in myself again is a wonderful feeling. With each day and each experience that love grows deeper and stronger.

I spent so much time trying to please others, trying to make everyone else happy, trying to be like others, when along I just needed to be myself. I just needed to make me happy, be myself, and live my life the way I want to. So now I am going to follow my own path, and go towards my own happiness despite what others might say. This is my life, and I have this one opportunity to make it meaningful, to create memories that will warm my heart always, to do things in my own way, and in my own time.

I know that God is with me, and is holding my hand in this journey. I know that my place is not here, but somewhere else and I trust God will lead me to where I need to be. I am handing the reigns over to him and letting him lead my way. In three weeks I will be starting a new chapter in my life and I hope it will give me more answers than questions about what the future holds for me. I am going there with an open-heart and an open-mind hoping that it will be a beautiful experience.

Lastly, I feel like I have finally found my calling. Ever since I was 12 I planned on going to law school and becoming a judge, well at 22 I have changed. I thought I needed to stick to my word, but I realized that it is alright to change direction. Now, I am following my heart, and am planning on becoming a guidance counselor in the future. Some might find that crazy, but for me it feel like the perfect fit for me. An opportunity to support, mentor, motivate, and be an advocate for others like me. I am planning to be a high school guidance counselor. I want to work with youth and help them find their way, make their dreams reality, and see that they have a future to look forward to.

Love makes us fools, liars, sad, hurt, selfish, crazy, idiotic…but it also makes us happy, shine, motivated, passionate, inspired, and warm. Like all things in life it also has its good and bad sides.

Be A Light In The Dark

The Hope Notes Project

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~ by tsunamiblues on January 28, 2010.

3 Responses to “Love…”

  1. Hi, I really admire the way you write.. keep it up :)

  2. On Family Love..Its their choice…and you have your choices too.. :) Hope to meet you one day…

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