My Unconquerable Soul…

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

By: William Ernest Henley

This is one of my all time favorite poems and right now it just seems to linger more in my mind than usual. It’s really the last two lines in the first and last paragraphs that make me keep reflecting on this poem. Anyone who has been reading my blog lately, knows my current situation and that I am waiting for an important answer.

I’ve been running around in my head trying to figure out what he is doing that is keeping him from reading my letter. You see like you and the people around me my mind tends to slither into the negatives; he’s read it but is ignoring me, he hasn’t read it and will forget about it, he is too scared to answer me, he doesn’t feel the same way, I have just made a huge mistake…and so on. Some might say that is reality at play but really we/I have no idea what he is doing or what is going on in his own life. All we/I know are my own feelings and assumptions and none of his.

Being negative is such an easy thing to do, we sink into that dark pit and let the shadows consume us. I’m choosing to be realistic, but at the same time I am hopeful, and fully aware of what I have gotten myself into. You see just because I love him, doesn’t mean he will or has to love me back. I made that choice to love him, to tell him, and I will deal with whatever happens next. Love is unconditional and without demands, and that is how I feel. If he loves me back, great, but if he doesn’t then I will and can move on because that love just wasn’t meant for me.

I didn’t just decide to feel that way, it took time like all good things, and it isn’t easy but life is about choices, and I am waiting for him to make his. If you have ever seen the movie, Rumor Has It, there is a part at the end where Jennifer Aniston’s character say’s I’m not going to say that I can’t live with out you. ‘Cause I could. I just don’t want to. That is exactly how I feel about him. I can live without him, I can love someone else, but I don’t want to. If he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way then I’m not going to hold on and keep hoping he will change his mind. I gave him that letter knowing both the consequences and rewards of that one action. I told him in the letter that I would move on, and I am a keeper of my word.

A big part of love/relationships is timing, and maybe I missed mine or maybe I never had it in the first place but you know what, if I never told him how I feel then I would always be left wondering. Love is about taking a chance on someone, taking that leap of faith, and hoping they will be there to catch you. I’m taking a huge leap of faith, and am hopeful, scared, and most of all realistic. Just because I have these feelings doesn’t mean he does. We love who we love, but that never means they have to love us in return, you see we can only hope that they do.

So then love is about timing, hope, and faith in my mind. No matter what happens I am glad that I was able to tell him what has been in my heart for so long. I am glad for him and more importantly for myself that I took this leap of faith, because now I feel ready to love and be loved in return. Love is scary, it hurts, and it breaks, but to have loved and lost is better to have never loved at all. I have my memories no matter what happens after this. I will always have a place in my heart reserved for him no matter what he tells me.

Not telling him would have been a mistake, because when we keep silent we have regret, and I am done with regrets. If  you love someone you have to tell them knowing they might not love you back, but hoping that they might. There is always a chance, and that chance gives us hope, and that hope gives us faith, and that faith carries us through no matter what the outcome is. Love shouldn’t fester inside of us and never be released. Being afraid to be hurt by love kept me silent for almost three years, and I am just finally finding my voice.

We all have our reasons for not telling the person we love that we love them. Maybe they live across the country or even across the world, maybe they have someone else in their heart, and maybe we missed our chance and don’t think we could have another. Whatever the reason, you are making that choice to keep quiet sometimes for their benefit, sometimes for yours, and sometimes for both. I think though…no I know now that it is better to say too much and get your heart broken than to say nothing and rot away wondering what if’s. Like John Mayer says:

No matter what happens I don’t regret telling him, because telling him set me free. It helped me to finally be ready to love someone, and to be loved in return. I have spent the past 22 years afraid to love someone for fear of getting my heart broken like my mother did, but I know that her story doesn’t have to be mine. I know that loving someone doesn’t guarantee you a happy ending. You are taking a chance on loving someone and taking another chance hoping they will love you back. That is what I am doing with him, taking a chance and for once being completely honest with myself. There are doubts, worries, and fears rummaging around inside of me but I am overcoming them and just waiting. I won’t know until he tells me so I am not going to spend my days worrying myself sick with what if this, what if that. I will know when he tells me, and only then.

When I wrote that letter and emailed it to him, I wrote it as if my heart was the one typing. I wrote it with every sincere molecule in my body. I wrote it with honesty, and that is all that matters. That letter is as much for him, as it is for me, and that is why I haven’t shared it with you guys. It really is a love letter for him, but even more a love letter for me, that is why it will only belong to the two of us, no matter what happens. He deserves to know how knowing him has changed me, and changed my life, he deserves to know how wonderful he is, and that right now, in this moment he is my important person.

That is the way I love him; unconditionally, faithfully, and honestly. It feels so good to have done this. It was and is no small matter to me. I mean this is my heart we are talking about, and I only have this one inside of me. It took me forever to muster up my courage, but it doesn’t matter because I did it in my own time and in my own way. I am ready for love, whereas before I was always afraid to give anyone a chance or to take a chance on another person, and now because of him I am not afraid anymore. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way, loving him has played a huge part in the woman I am now and the woman I am becoming. He is worth it, all the joy and pain that comes with loving him. When you meet that person that makes you want to take a leap of faith and give love a chance you will understand what I mean. Even if he breaks my heart, it will still be worth it; loving him, telling him, and hoping for him.

I have hope for us, but more importantly I believe and have faith that everything happens for a reason, and what is meant to be will be. By telling him how I feel I gave myself and him a chance to be together as more than friends, but it takes two to make a relationship happen so he still has to make his choice. I choose him, but he still has to choose me. I want him, but he has to want me. I love him, but he has to love me. I made my choice, and now he deserves and has the right to make his.

If I never told him how I felt, I would have regretted it, but more importantly I would have never given us a chance. When you tell the person you love that you love them you create a chance  for them to do the same. Telling him what is in my heart gives him a chance to do the same, whether to tell me he want to just be friends, he feel the same, or he doesn’t want either from me. If I never told him, I would never really know, I would always wonder, and make assumptions. No matter what my heart has been opened to love and all the joy and pain that comes with it.

This is the last time I am going to write about this here until I get an answer. I am taking a chance on him, and taking a chance on me, so we will all have to wait and see where it leads. The important question at the end of my letter was for him to tell me honestly, what am I to him…now we wait until we know…

I will leave you with this amazing song…

With love,

~Tsunamiblues~

Be A Light In The Dark

The Hope Notes Project


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~ by tsunamiblues on January 16, 2010.

3 Responses to “My Unconquerable Soul…”

  1. I am right there with you. I hope it works out for you.

  2. I am speechless..We are going trought the same line of thinking, emotions, faith, hope..LOVE! With the only difference I am 42.It is true love has no age..I feel you!!!I hear you.If you need some support from an old lady, I am here.

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