No Regrets…

I guess I will probably end up writing an entry each day until the day he finally gives me his answer. I know he is busy, he told me he was traveling this weekend, so I know he probably hasn’t read my letter yet. He told me was having a hectic week, and I know he probably doesn’t realize how important that letter is to me, or how much I am going through each day as I wait to hear back from him. I don’t want to rush him, so I am not contacting him, and giving him time to read, digest, and reply back to me. I am a lot calmer now, but no matter how hard I try I cannot stop worrying.

His answer will change my life either way. If he says yes, my dream comes true. If he says no, my dream dies. It took me almost three years to figure out and admit to being in love with him. He’s the complete opposite of what I wanted but he is exactly what I need, and now realize I always wanted. He is kind, bright, sweet, and just so genuine. He makes me laugh all the time, which is such an important thing. He makes me smile just by looking at him and saying his name. He makes me ache to be held in his arms and breathe him in. He makes me want to never give up on my dreams. He makes me real, vulnerable, and more importantly he makes me see the world in a different way.

He taught me so much about life and people, and now I just hope it isn’t too late. I hope that I haven’t been feeling like this all by myself. My hope is that he will return my feelings, and have his own story to tell about us. He isn’t perfect, but he fits me perfectly. I know that loving someone doesn’t mean they will or have to love you in return. I know that my love for him is my choice, and that he has his own choice to make. I know that there are a lot of obstacles that are there even if he does feel the same way. I know that I might get my heart broken in the present or in the future. You see I know all those things, but in the end I still love him. It has been almost three years that my heart has been sorting itself out, but now I am ready to love him the way he deserves to be loved if he gives me a chance.

Love is about taking a risk with your heart, knowing the consequences, but hoping to enjoy the rewards. I don’t and won’t ever regret loving him, even if he never feels the same way about me. He is my first love, and I hope he will be my one and only love. He has helped to shape me into the young woman I am now, and I see life in all its colors. I tried to deny my heart all this time, but now I am setting it free. Free to love him, and free to be loved in return. No matter what obstacles come my way, I will no longer be afraid to love, to be loved, or being hurt by love.

Yes, I am afraid, but like I said before I am going to overcome my fears, and move towards my life the way I dreamed it to be. I am going to acknowledge the fear, reflect on it, and overcome it. I am going to live my life trying to have as little regrets as possible. I am not going to keep waiting around for love to find me, or for life to start changing. I am going to seek love with all my heart, I am going to change my life by my own hands. I am in love for the first time in my life, and my heart is trembling inside of me because of him. I want to say it to him and let him hear the sincerity of  my heart, and hope that it stirs his own.

I love him, and it took me this long to find my courage to love him the way he deserves to be loved, I just hope that his heart doesn’t think it is too late, or that there are too many obstacles in the way, or worse that he’s never felt this way about me.

So I say no matter what his answer is, I don’ regret loving him, and I don’t regret telling him I love him, because he should know how I feel. He should know that he is the cause of this trembling in my heart. He should know how wonderful he is, and how lovable he is. He should know, because keeping it to myself is selfish, and doesn’t give him a chance to say it in return. If we love someone, we should tell them, and being fully aware that just because we love them doesn’t mean they love us in return.

Love is messy, but it is the most beautiful gift you can give to another person. I really hope he accepts and returns my feelings for him, but no matter what I will not regret loving him and telling him.

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~ by tsunamiblues on January 15, 2010.

6 Responses to “No Regrets…”

  1. i personally feel that you should not hope he will be your one and only love. honestly speaking, he should have read the letter if you mean something to him. but i’m sure he wants the best outcome for the both of ya, hence the procrastination. i understand how much you want for that somebody to be part of your life. of course, my wish is for your feelings to be reciprocated by him genuinely. because i know how it feels to see him smile because of you. but in any case IF otherwise, you should really keep your options open to other guys instead of holding on to someone whom you want to be your only love. that would hurt you a lot. to end off, be blessed! i sincerely want happiness for you! (=

    • Thank you, and I don’t believe in one and only love per se….it’s the person you choose to love. But, I won’t hold on to him, for both our sakes if he doesn’t feel the same way. I will let go, it might take me time but I will surely move on.

  2. I hope things work out as best they possibly can for you in your current situation, however, from an outsider perspective I think the chances of everything turning out the way you want it to are getting slimmer here.

    I do not want to be pessimistic or anything, but if this guy had similar feelings for you, I would imagine that he would always be eager to communicate with you or absorb communications from you.

    Maybe it’s just the way I am, but no matter how busy my life could ever be, I could still squeeze out a couple minutes for someone I care about and love.

    • I was thinking the same thing, but we have been emailing back and forth, and he made it clear that he hasn’t read it yet but he has gotten it, so everything is up in the air. I think when we start assuming how a person should react we make ourselves even more action. I am living my life, going about my days, and just waiting to see what happens next. I’ve done everything I can do, so now the balls in his court and we will see how it goes.

      No matter what happens, I’m going to be okay, because I won’t let myself be any other way.

  3. I wish all the happiness for you. Have a nice day!!!

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