Walking In Faith…

So I am still waiting for a response from him. He told me he got my letter, but since he has been really busy this week he hasn’t read it yet. I told him to take his time, read it when he is free, and that I will wait to hear back from him. Needless to say I even though I am waiting, it is really hard for me. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about it, and he said to me that you need to give him time to digest it and respond when he is ready. I am giving him time like I said I would, but I won’t pretend that it isn’t making me feel miserable and afraid with each passing moment that I am still waiting.

Some moments I feel calm and then other moments I have this paralyzing fear that I have just done something extremely selfish and crazy. Selfish because I am going abroad for a year. Some might say I should have told him sooner, but the timing was never right, and the person I am now isn’t the same insecure and scared to love woman I was. I know what I want and I know what I need. I’m not afraid to let him in anymore, and I just hope I am not too late. I feel like if two people care about each other and want to be together all those details can be worked out. Crazy, because I have pretty much given him my heart in that letter and am worried that he already has someone in his heart, he is going to be too scared of my feelings to return them, or he just doesn’t see me that way.

Each day I wait, is painful for me because my mind drifts into all these thoughts and scenarios. It doesn’t help that I have been sick for the past 3 days both from a cold and from being anxious about his reply. He’s a good person so I know even if he doesn’t feel the same he will do his best not to hurt me. Today I was talking to one of my closest friends and told her my fear, is that if he doesn’t feel the same way about me when am I going to meet someone who makes me feel this way again. When am I going to meet someone who’s smile alone makes me happy, who makes me ache the way I do now. When am I going to meet someone who stirs my heart the way he does?

I know that there are other men in the world, but for me this is the person I want, not for a moment, but for my lifetime. This is the person I want to create a life with and see how it turns out. This is the person I want beside me always. I fell in love with him, and didn’t even realize it…didn’t want to admit it until now, and I just pray that he doesn’t break my heart. Even though I am afraid I have no regrets because I told him what was in my heart with sincerity and honesty. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I had never taken this chance. I would have always wondered what if I had told him.

My heart is wide open for him to see and for him to take if he wants. I know things won’t be easy, but if it is him I am willing to make it work. If it is him I’m brave enough to take this chance. If it is him I can finally open up my heart and let someone in. I keep telling myself to be patient, to be strong, to not cry, and to not sink into dark thoughts. Which brings me to the title of this entry. I am walking in faith like I promised myself for 2010. I am trusting in God that if this person is my person then things will fall into place. I am walking in faith that if this is meant to be it will be. I am walking in faith that when the right time comes I will know how he feels. I am walking in faith that my heart won’t be broken no matter what his answer is.

No matter what happens I have the confidence to love freely and truly now. I have the confidence to take love on knowing both the rewards and consequences of giving my heart to someone. I’m not embarrassed to be honest with my feelings anymore or too scared of being hurt to love. Love hurts. Love heals too. I am in love for the first time in my life and it is both scary and beautiful. I am slowly but surely becoming the woman I want to be and living the life I have imagined. I am in love and praying that I will be loved it return.

I am still waiting and will continue to wait for him…my hope is that I will know sooner rather than later how he feels about me.

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~ by tsunamiblues on January 13, 2010.

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