Finding My Courage To Love

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

If you have read Feelings, Loving Me, and Loving You then you are up to speed on my current situation. Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think about anything but my decision to tell him how I felt. I have an amazing group of women around me who are supporting me, helped me find my courage, and encouraged me to take this leap of faith.

I knew though that I had to trust in myself, trust in my God, and do this in my own time. I knew once I made my decision to tell him how I feel about him that there was no way I could wait till next month because being this lovesick takes a toll on the mind and the body. I literally feel nauseous, can’t sleep well, cannot eat well, and all I do is feel anxious about telling him. I knew I couldn’t go another day like this, for my own sake but I still hadn’t found the courage to actually press send and finally do this.

It has been over two years that I have had these feelings for him, and now after all this lost time I don’t have any regrets because I told him. No matter what happens I found the courage to make myself vulnerable to another person and face both the rewards and consequences of it. I woke up around 2 and someone sent me this comment about how inspiring she found my posts and how courageous I was to be following my dreams. That comment was like the last step before I could go and take that leap of faith.

I want to be that courageous and inspiring young woman. I want to stop waiting for the right moment, the hint that will make it seem like this it the time. No I want to do it my way, in my own time, and make the moments happen instead. This is my year to shine and it starts with him. I don’t want to be a coward anymore, and I don’t want to keep hiding my heart even if I end up getting hurt in the end. This is life, this raw emotional roller coaster is a part of life and we all have to get on and endure/enjoy the ride.

Waiting to find my courage, made me doubt more, made me wonder more, made me ache more, so I said to myself that now is the moment to be brave, and to stop waiting for a sign. So I did it, I sent him the letter I wrote with everything I feel inside of me. I am finally being honest with him and myself and yes it is terrifying but it feel right, it feels good to let my feelings show. It feels good to stop hiding my heart from the person I want to give it to the most. It feels good to stop fighting myself and just accept that this is how I feel and I need to express it to him.

It took me this long to show him my heart, and maybe I should have done it sooner but I don’t think anytime was ever right for me but now. I am completely sure of how I feel, what I want, and what I need. I have no more doubts or fears like I did before. I am confident and finally becoming the woman I want to be. No matter what happens I did it. I gave him the secret hidden in my heart. I laid myself bare before him. Even if he doesn’t feel the same at least now he knows that all this time it was always him I had in my heart. At least then I can finally move on and stop wondering “what if..?” At least now I don’t have anymore regrets when it comes to him.

I have no idea how he feels about him, but if I didn’t do this then he would have never known how I felt about him, and maybe showing him my heart is exactly the way I get to have his. There are lots of obstacles in love, but a majority of them are the ones we place in front of us. Sure love will hurt, but it will also heal, it can also be returned. So today I took a chance on love, I took a chance on me, I took a chance on him, and most of all I took a chance on us.

Being this vulnerable is scary, but also liberating because now I know I can do this. I can let someone into my heart and not be afraid to tell them how I feel in the future. I can love without fearing anymore. Now I can give someone my whole heart no matter the consequences. Now I can be honest with myself and with my feelings. Now I can be braver, more courageous in the future. It took me this long to find this inside of me, it took me this long to finally learn that having/finding/creating courage is not about being fearless but overcoming my fears.

I acknowledge that I am scared of being hurt by him, of being rejected, or having a broken heart but even with those fears I have/will triumph over them. Fear is there, it always will be, but once you overcome it you realize the reality is less fearful that the fear in your mind. Even if I get rejected by him, I have no regrets. Even if I get hurt by him, I have no regrets. Even, if down the road he breaks my heart, I have no regrets.

We live in the present, and life is defined by the choices we make or don’t make. I don’t know what will happen in  the future, all I know is that in the present my heart belongs to him. All I know is that in the present this is how I feel. All I know is that this is the time to be courageous, to test my limits, to risk, to love, and to triumph over every fear, obstacle, and walk in faith. I believe in myself more. I believe in my faith more, and I know that God is holding my hand  through all of this.

So even though I have fear, even though I am afraid. I will not let it control me. I will not let it hinder me. I will not let it stop me.

Will you take a leap of faith too?

Be Blessed,

Tsunamiblues

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~ by tsunamiblues on January 11, 2010.

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