Loving Me…

So after writing Feelings, he responded back to my message and all those uncertainties went away. It felt good, I smile, read it three times, and it felt like old times. I wrote him back, so we will see what happens. I feel a lot better after writing all my worries down, and no matter what happens I am going to give myself a break and learn to take it moment to moment and not force myself to not feel anything for him. Even if we are always just friends I want him in my life even if it’s just a little bit.

Is that wrong? I’m not sure what the “right thing” to do it, but for me I want him in my life, even if it is just as my friend. If you have read my 2010 blog entries you know how I feel about this year 2010. I don’t want to keep running in circles and never changing. In addition to the things I wrote in that series of blogs I want to add this one. In 2010 I want to love me the way I want others to love me. I want to look in the mirror and smile at my reflection. I want to always hold my head up high, and believe in myself, my capability, and my worth. I want to be the one who defines that for me and not let anyone or anything do that for me. The following quotes that I came across through a friend sums up my intentions…

“There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn’t thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on”-Unknown-

It all come down to my confidence in myself and the way I see myself. Someone close to me told me I have to love myself completely, and know without a shadow of a doubt I deserve to be loved, cherished, and I am worth it, no questions asked. Ever since that day, I have been thinking about it. I don’t want to keep finding fault with myself, hating myself for my flaws and weaknesses. No I want to love me completely, flaws and all. I want to have that confidence in myself and in my right to be happy and to have and do the things I want with my life. I want to stop doubting myself, questioning everything I do, and just let myself enjoy my life, make mistakes, and grow. I want to let go of this hold I have on myself and just be free and choose my happiness. I want to be confident in everything I do, and let the people around me feel that strength seeping from me.

To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.-Bernard Edmonds-

I want to have that trust in myself and stop doubting my capabilities or the choices I make for my life. I want to stop criticizing myself and just believe and have faith in me. I want to love me, and have the courage to live my life the way that I have imagined. I don’t want my past to keep invading my present and blocking my future. I want to let it all go, and just go forward with heart, courage, and faith in myself and in God. I want to stretch myself and see how far I can and will go.

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect– and I don’t live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean” –Bob Marley

I want to stop caring about what people are or might be thinking about me. This is my life, and I want to live it for me, and the way I choose to live it. I want to follow my own path, go down my own road, and not let anyone dictate that for me. I’m not any less worthy or deserving than the next person so I want to stop feeling like that. I’m not perfect and neither are they. We all have our good and bad, and I want to accept that.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
~Maya Angelou

I want to give myself time, patience, and encouragement to bloom in my own time, in my own season. I don’t want to rush myself to be someone different and to just take my time figuring me out, and figuring out this life. Everything is a process and I want to let myself go through it.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

I no longer want to strive to be fearless, but to overcome my fear. To not let my fear keep me from going after the things I desire for myself and my life. I don’t want my fear to be an excuse to not try something, go somewhere, or show people my heart. I want to be brave and take a chance. I want to triumph over every fear and worry so I can leave this life with few regrets. I want to acknowledge that the fear is there, but also make sure I don’t let it paralyze me. I want to stop being afraid to let people in, and let them hurt me. No I want to believe in the goodness of people, and that if they have earned my trust they deserve my heart. I want to follow my heart and see where it takes me. I want to know that no matter what happens I will get through it. I will overcome it. I will be better for it.

These are the desires of my heart and all of them start with the way I see myself and the love I must have for myself. This is my life and I don’t want to spend it wishing I had taken a chance, pursued that opportunity, or let someone in. I want to start now, the change of 2010. I want to bloom brightly before you all and know that my light shines across this world.

I want to love me, believe in me, trust me, and love me even more…


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~ by tsunamiblues on January 8, 2010.

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