Feelings

This is my first post of the 2010, but remnants of 2009 are still here. I just needed to clear my head, and the best way I know how is writing…

There is someone who I cannot get out of my head or my heart. I wish I didn’t have these feelings. That I could just forget him completely and move on. That I wouldn’t have this constant ache for him. Sometimes he just creeps into my mind and haunts me. I am not really sure of my feelings for him, what they mean, how deep they are, and if he is even worth this. We’ve always been friends but somehow he ended up meaning more to me than that.

It caught me by surprise because he isn’t my “ideal’ type but one day I realized how much I like him, how important he is to me, and that he’s the first man to make me want to be vulnerable. To let him all the way in, let him see and know me…he’s the first person I wanted to open my heart to and give him my trust. All this time he’d been my friend, and I never thought he ever felt more than that for me so I kept my feelings to myself. If I had been confident and had some courage I would have told him everything in my heart but to this day I didn’t.

I had planned to give him a letter on the day of our college graduation, but before that we drifted apart. I don’t know what happened for him to pull away from me, but he did, and it hurt so I decided to cut my losses and just let him go. I deleted his number, and he never made an effort to pull me back towards him. That hurt, I felt that maybe I didn’t mean as much to him as I thought.

Even though I let him go, he still is there in my heart and mind. He lingers there and I don’t know how to purge myself of him completely. You see he changed me. I had always had an “ideal” type and he opened my eyes to what really matters; a person’s character and their heart. I wish I had told him that. I wish he knew how much he meant/means to me. How much I miss having him in my life, being his friend, seeing his smile. I don’t know why after all this time it still hurts so much not having him around me.

My heart hurts and I want to stop. I want to stop wanting someone that is gone from my life. I feel like there is just so many loose ends left between us and that I will always be wondering why we drifted, and what if I had told him what was in my heart. You see he’s the first guy I wanted to kiss, to have hold me, to be a part of my life. He’s the first guy that made me believe in happy ending. He made me see how wonderful another person could be.

I’m so clueless when it comes to men, relationships, like/love situations that I wouldn’t have a clue if he had felt the same way unless he had told me. I keep wondering if there was something I didn’t see, or if he felt that I would never like him that way. I wish I was braver when it comes to relationships, but I’m not. I’m scared and weak and it makes me sad, but that fear keeps me from pouring my heart out and letting him see my vulnerability without an indication that he feels the same way.

I miss him; he really brightened up my day. Yesterday, with the encouragement of my best girlfriends I decided to take a tiny step towards being brave and just send him a casual message asking how he’s been since graduation. This morning I woke up thinking about him, and throughout the day he drifts into my thoughts. I hate this feeling of waiting for that person you like to acknowledge you in some way. I hate the feeling of anxiety mixed with hope that is inside of me.

Sometimes I think what would be the point when I am going to leave next month and when we live in two different states right now. I wonder if I should even try being friends again, or if I should just try to move on completely even if he lingers in my mind. It’s the not knowing what could have been if I had just taken that risk and confessed to him what was in my heart at the time, what is still in my heart right now.

If he didn’t mean so much to me would I still be aching to have him around now. I just want to talk to him, laugh with him, have him hug me in the comfort of his arms, look into his eyes when he smiles, and feel my heart race in response. I keep wondering whether this is like or love. If this person is my first taste of love. I keep wondering if maybe I think of him as more than he is. I just don’t know what to think, feel, or do.

All I know is my heart is hurting, my mind is cluttered with him, and I miss him terribly. These feelings are making me emotional and I just wish I knew what I should do in this situation. What if my fear of rejection, being hurt, and being vulnerable is keeping me from the person for me. What if he isn’t the one and I need to just move on. There is so much about me that I want to change, I want to be a better person, sister, daughter, woman…a better everything. I want to be one with God. I want to be happy and confident with myself.

Am I worth being liked/loved at this point in my life? Am I deserving? Am I capable of giving my heart and trust to another person? I just feel so clueless and here I am waiting for a response from him, and it makes me feel sad that even now I am still waiting for him, hoping to have him in my life again.

I kind of hate myself for being this weak, but is it really wrong to feel this way over someone special to me? Maybe I need to stop trying to crush these feelings and begin to let them take their course.

I keep asking myself what are my feelings exactly. Is this a crush? Like? Love?

I wish I knew…

EDIT (1/09/2010): I’m going to tell him before I leave, I’m going to finally be brave and see what happens. Either way I will have my closure and be able to be with him or move on and let him go. I am going to do it the day before I leave for Seoul.

Advertisements

~ by tsunamiblues on January 8, 2010.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: