2009: Beauty In The Breakdown

This will be my last blog entry for 2009, a year full of ups and downs, failures and triumphs, clarity and blurs, happiness and sadness, holding on and letting go, but most of all a year of transitions. A year of finding beauty in the breakdown.

If you have ever listened to Frou Frou’s “Let Go” you might understand a little more of where I am coming from, and if you haven’t listened to that song, take a moment to check it out. I find it inspiring and comforting. A song written for my soul. 2009 has been a year of breakdowns but at the end of that long tunnel I find myself still standing able to move past those moments of agony and reach out towards the light. Towards my future.

2009 was the last chapter in my college years, it was the year I turned 21, caught a glimpse of love, graduated from college, ended up with a bleeding ulcer, missed out on going to Seoul because I was in the hospital, my first and only year as an RA, but most of all it was the year of change, growth, and becoming more and more of the woman I want to be. I might be flawed but I will always be uniquely me.

I decided last year that I wanted to let go of people who were holding me back, leaving me behind, misusing me, and not letting me be who I am. It was the year I decided to make going to Seoul a reality. That I would do this for me and no one but me. I would take this risk and deal with whatever happens along the way. 2009 was the year I failed and triumphed time and time again in pursuing that goal.

2009 was the year I became an “adult” and really began to wonder what the hell that meant. It was the year I felt the most lost about my future. Where all the plans I had once had, all the dreams I had once believed in came crashing down and I was left directionless, searching for a way out of the darkness, out of the shadows. I cried a lot in 2009, but I laughed a lot too. 2009 was the year I realized that I have been living a hollow life, and it is time for me to start choosing what goes inside my dreams.

2009 was the year I caught a glimpse of love and lost it that same moment. 2009 was the year I understood heartache, and unrequited like/love. It was the year I lost him, that person that made me believe in happy ending and all that mushy stuff. To him I was probably always just a friend, but to me he was and will always be much more. He changed me, he brightened up my life, and in 2009 I lost all of that and it still hurts. I let him go because being around him was painful and being disappointed was excruciating for me. So in 2009, I  realized how deep my feelings were, and that I was too cowardly to do anything about it. I learned that love is scary, but if you meet the right person for you, then take a chance and you might find comfort in their arms. I wish I had been more honest with my heart, and in the future I will try to do that.

2009 was the year I graduated from college, and it was the end of a beautiful chapter of my life story. I loved college, the people, the places, the experiences., but most of all the freedom and atmosphere of being young and learning. I miss it everyday, and I know that those four years were all years of growth and change for the better. I am thankful for every experience, good or bad, that made college memorable. I’m thankful to my family, friends, professors, mentors, advocates, God, and everyone that helped me get through that last year and make the most of it. I am glad for the memories, the liberation, and getting through it all to the end.

2009 was the year of bad health. Anemia, bleeding ulcer, and all kind of drama. It caused me a lot of pain and sadness but it was like a cleansing year, so that I can go into this new one without those same obstacles. God gave me a second chance at life when he saved me from getting on that plane to Seoul. Only He knows if I would have made it that far without ending up dead. God gave me my life back, so that I could live it well and that is what I am going to do in the new year. Live my life the way I imagined it to be, and enjoy every second I get to be alive.

2009 was the year I tried to get out of my comfort zone and let people in. I did it, but I could have done better. I am so used to keeping myself at a distance that I don’t know how to pull others closer. 2009 was a year of learning who my true friends are, and those that are just along for the ride. It was the year of finding myself a little more, and learning to deal with the answers. It was a year of loneliness and longing for comfort, God, love, family, and security.

All in all 2009 was a year of beauty in the breakdown, it was filled with sadness and happiness, pain and joy, love and hate, but most of all 2009 was a year of endings and beginnings, growing up and letting go, finding myself and healing old wounds. My prayer is that 2010 is a year of blessings, love, laughter, comfort, warmth, friendship, and just an abundant amount of joy.

Happy New Year everyone. May your 2010 be a blessed year.

With love,


~ by tsunamiblues on December 31, 2009.

One Response to “2009: Beauty In The Breakdown”

  1. wow

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