A simple four letter word, with a complicated meaning.

So what does love mean?

What does it mean to love someone?

What does it mean to be “in love” with someone?

What does it mean to be loved by someone?

I have no idea what this word means. I have absolutely no real life meaning for this word. Love? What is that really? It’s like speaking a foreign language to me and asking me to understand what your saying. I have no idea what it means to be “in love.” Not even an inkling! I/You/see it is the movies and tv shows we watch, hear it is the songs we listen to, and if we are lucky we see it and experience it in our daily lives.

For me, movies and television shows depiction of love are just fantasies that we wish would happen in the “real world,” but it doesn’t. In the “real world” there is no fairytale love stories or happily ever afters. Last night, I was drifting off to sleep and thinking about how clueless I am about love, relationships, and that bond between lovers. Yes, I see all of that come into play on the screen, but in my reality things are not like that. If you’ve read my blog then you know a bit about my past. My parents story, is the only love story I’ve experienced, and it didn’t have a happily ever after. That experience, is the one that haunts my idea of love. I get scared that I am incapable of loving someone because I have no clue what is means to love someone. All I have seen is the heartache, betrayal, and sadness that comes with that simple word; love.

Love makes us blind. Love makes us liars. Love makes us stupid. Love makes us weak. Love makes us irrational. Love makes us sick. Love makes us hurt. Love makes us cry. Love makes us kill. Love makes us die. Love makes us foolish. Love makes us…

I know that there is another side to love, the positive side, but in my heart that is a fragment compared to all the negativity I feel it brings. I’m not a cynic…in fact I’m a dreamer, but these days I fear that all my hopes will always be dreams, and all my fears will be my reality. I see my mother, and my heart breaks for her, my soul feels sad for her. Why her? My dad is the only man she’s ever loved, and even to this day despite everything he’s done to her, in her heart that love for him still lives. That to me is the saddest part of loving someone. Having to live on with all the memories of the better days. If only, her memories could be erased and she could just forget him, both the good and the bad. I look at my mom, and I wonder if my story will be a repeat of hers. Love? What is that?

A friend once said to me, that everyone who loves hurts, some just more than others. I guess my mom falls into the more category. Our parents are supposed to be the first people in this world that teach us what love means? A mother’s love and a father’s love is the first chance we get to experience love. We are already born with God’s love. I know what a mother’s love means, but I have no idea what a father’s love means. I don’t even know if my father knows what it means to love a child. I’m not a parent yet, but I know that when I have my children they will be my greatest treasures that God gave to me. But, it’s like my father never felt that way about my siblings and I.

He just let go of us, let go of his family, let go of his responsibility without any guilt. He put himself before us, his desires before us. He put himself before us, and has never once looked back with regret. I don’t know what it means to be loved by your father, to be your father’s daughter. I know what it feels like to not be wanted by your father, to be abandoned, to be broken, to be unloved. That is the memory my father left with me, a memory that has become so ingrained in me I fear my vision towards men will always be blurred.

Broken homes destroy more than just a marriage. They destroy a family. They destroy a home. They destroy memories. They destroy love. I think of all the other children like me who grew up like this, and it makes me sad to know that there are other people like me, who feel like this, and see the world like this.

My parent’s story will always be my first taste of what love means, and it was/is a bitter one. To be someone’s parent is a great honor, but I guess for my father it was a burden he never wanted to carry. Even if he stopped loving my mom, he never had to stop loving me. He never had to leave me too! I think no matter how old I get that will be a wound that never fully heals. My father took away my childhood, took away the life every child should have, he took away my innocence, and most of all he took away the trust I had in people.

I wish I could just let it all go, and move on with my life, but him leaving us is a part of my story. It is a chapter that has penetrated the pages of subsequent chapters. It hurts…I cannot describe how much it hurts to be left behind so coldly. To be a kid and feeling like all of this is your fault. I felt like that for a long time, that I could have done something to make my father stay.

As I grew older I realized that it was never me that was the problem, and it was never my fault that he left us. Those were his choices, and his alone to face the consequences of. I’m 22 years old now, and I don’t really need a father anymore, and even if he were to reach out to me nothing would ever be the way it should be. My father and me are strangers, and we always will be. The man who helped give me life, took a big chunk of it from me. I am thankful for my mother, for her suffering and sacrifice. I hope when I am a mother, I can be as wonderful as her. She is not perfect, but her love for us is and has always been unconditional.

I always try and act strong, and pretend that my past doesn’t effect my present, but it does and always has. I grew up with only a mother, and it effects me. Not having a father effects me. My mother’s sacrifices are the sacrifices of two parents and it hurts me to know someone so loving and giving could have been thrown to the side so carelessly. It makes me hate my father, and I hate myself for wishing he was a part of my life. He chose to forget about us, so why can’t I just forget about him?

So this brings me back to “love,” I really don’t understand it. It makes you ache so much, that I fear feeling it’s pain. I’m 22 years old and I have never been “in love” or in any kind of romantic relationship. My fear of trusting someone keeps me from letting anyone in. I haven’t met anyone yet who has given me a reason to let them through my shields. I wonder if I will ever fall in love, and I wonder if I will have a happy ending. I don’t know how to let someone in, and I don’t know how to not be afraid. I think that I might end up pushing a great person away because I’m scared of being hurt.

There is a saying that if “you are afraid to be hurt by love, you don’t deserve to be loved.” So maybe I don’t deserve to be loved, or maybe that is just a stupid saying, or maybe I just have to meet someone who will open up my heart. Will I ever meet such a person? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I don’t want to settle for comforts and not love, and most of all I don’t want to give my heart to someone who will only crush it.

You must think I’m pathetic…in a way I am. I’m a coward when it comes to love, and I am not sure how to find strength to love someone one day. I know there is no rush, but I hope when the time comes I can give my heart to someone who knows the meaning of loving someone. This entry is pretty depressing huh? Sorry, today my wound is throbbing and I needed to let out my thoughts.

Love is a complicated being….

Be A Light In The Dark

The Hope Notes Project

~ by tsunamiblues on December 8, 2009.

One Response to “LOVE…”

  1. hey.. i hope you would take some time to watch this.
    hopefully you could see then that you have the greatest daddy’s love if you do believe in jesus christ.

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