Why Am I…?

Always the one holding on when everyone else is letting go?

I have a lot of thoughts pressing against my skull today. I went to the doctor today and they want to do some more tests to make sure there is nothing else wrong with me. I felt kind of upset because in my head I thought this would be the last doctor visit I would have to make. But nope, they need to run more tests, they need to rule out other things, they need to… I feel like I am holding my breathe until I finally hear them say that I am going to be just fine. I am waiting for someone to tell me everything is going to be okay, I’m going to be okay, that there is nothing to worry about. I feel like my body is betraying me over and over again. I am just worried that they will find something, and this nightmare will never end. I don’t want to be sick…I want to be better.

As I was driving back home, I rolled the windows down, and let the warmth of the sun, and the cool breeze penetrate my solitude. It felt liberating and just nice. I had this urge to drive down to my University, which is two hours away and just be a part of that fabric. I miss college a lot! I miss the clarity I had, I miss the friendships, I miss the direction I had. I miss everything about it. Everyone is going in their own direction, and I’m still looking back, still holding on, but they have already let go. I don’t know if I should let go to, of them, of college, or everything I knew and just embrace the present. The present unfortunately isn’t that great. I feel tense and out of sync with everything. I feel sad, alone, and lost.

I feel like everything I knew was a lie. It’s been six months since I graduated from college and I feel like everyone has drifted away from me. I don’t know how to pull them back or if I should just let them go. I don’t want to be a bother, but at the same time I don’t want them to think I have left them behind. I’m at a crossroad in my life, and I just have no idea where to go. I just feel stretched and pulled and upset and lost and sad. It’s like something is missing, but I have no idea what it is or how to get it back. I don’t know how to open up to the people around me about how I’m feeling, because every time I try their own issues overshadow my own.

It’s like there is so much eating away my insides and I don’t know how to show them. I don’t know how to be visible. I am hurting a lot inside and I just want someone to notice, for someone to care, for someone to help me believe it is all going to be okay. That everything I am going through has an ending. That all my worries and fears are unnecessary. I want to believe in myself, this world, and this life. I want to believe that I am meant to do something wonderful, be someone wonderful, have a wonderful life. I think I just need someone to wake me up, to let me know I am doing just fine, that I matter, that it will all be okay. I really need to know that it will all be okay. There is so much fear inside of me, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to stop being afraid of this life. I want to just believe and trust in myself, my God, and this world.

I want to believe again. I need to believe again.

~ by tsunamiblues on December 2, 2009.

2 Responses to “Why Am I…?”

  1. Then believe, my friend… see funny thing is I don’t know who you are but well you sound like me. So, I just had to say something upon chancing upon your site and this post. Look to God for light is the best advice I can give you… “seek first the kingdom of God and all things besides will be given you, for your Father knows what you need before you ask for it”.

    Dont worry so much, God will always take care of you. Keep him first and believe despite the darkness, hold on to faith like a woman drowning, like its your last floating object and it will bring you to shore… I promise. Heck, its the reason I am alive…

    • Thanks Luis, I am realizing what you’ve said bit by bit. I know God is there for me, because everyday I am alive is a blessed day.

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