Weakness…

I just finished watching 500 Days of Summer, and I absolutely loved it. There is something about indie flicks that other movie sometimes miss out on; there relate applies to us on an emotional level. Most of the time we go to the movies to escape from our own lives and succumb to 2 hours of someone else story and drama(s). But movies like 500 Days of Summer remind us of things we go through in our lives, and how we either overcome them or fall because of them. Everything in life is really about the choices we make, and the ones we choose not to pursue. The people we choose to let in, and the ones we close the door on. The jobs we take, and the ones we let go of. The lovers we adore and the ones we hurt or get hurt by. Life is a complicated, messy, excruciating, unpredictable, instantaneous….entity we will never truly understand We live and then we die. We are born and then we are dead. It’s what we do between those to inescapable truths that makes all the difference.

Movies like this always make me introspective when it comes to myself. Not that I don’t spend the majority of my time lost in my own thoughts. My problem is that I don’t know who I am. I feel so lost, that I’m not sure how to be found. I’ve lost that strength I had, or thought I had and now I am left with this weakness, this fear of life. I’m afraid and it sucks!

We all have our issues but I’m scared that this is going to be my burden forever, or until that moment everything changes. My weakness is that I care too much about what others think of me. I’m too scared of failing or making mistakes that I hold myself back from pursuing my dreams. I don’t think I am good enough for a lot of things I want to do with/in my life. I don’t know how to let people in, I just don’t know how to show them my vulnerability. Every time I think I can let someone in, they let me down. So I have learned to create a shield/mask so no one can really see what is going on inside me. It’s lonely behind the shield, but I don’t know how to deactivate it…and too be honest I’m not sure I want to.

I want to feel special. Like my existence is meaningful. Like I matter…that there is a reason I am in this world. I just have no clue anymore about my life, and it leaves me weak and afraid. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I know who I want to be (sometimes) but I don’t know how to be that person, or get to that place in my life where I am who I want to be. God, I don’t even know if that makes sense. I don’t even know if my dreams, what I want, or anything makes sense anymore. I just feel so empty, so desolate, so unbearably lost. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this, so all I spend my time doing is writing. It’s the only release I get from the chaos raging inside me.

My family, they love me, but I don’t think they really understand me or know me. They definitely have no idea what is going on inside me. No one does except for myself and God. I keep asking him for a sign that I am going to be okay, that everything is going to work out in the end. That I am not as alone and lost as I feel. That I don’t need to cry anymore. But, I am still here, asking, waiting, and praying for answers to my fears. I am still here wishing for warmth in my life to take away this chill inside of me. I feel so cold and empty…so hollow. I am alone and I am lonely, and for me that is painful. I always wonder what it would be like to have one person I can be completely vulnerable with. One person I can share all of this with; my fear, my pain, my sorrow, my worries, my dreams, my questions, my doubts…my everything.

There is so much to me, so much inside of me, but no one knows those depths of my soul. No one sees all those layers that make me up. I feel like I am invisible to most people. We are all so busy with our own lives, that we forget to really take a look at other people. No one sees my sadness. No one sees my worries. No one sees me, and that saddens me. I don’t know how to make people see me, and sometimes I am scared of what they might see, of what they might do, or not do. I don’t have anyone I can let inside my world, into my reality…into my perspective.

I feel like I am screaming but it’s a silent call for help. I want to talk, but I am scared no one will listen. I want someone to know how empty I feel. That I am having a hard time right now. That I have all these fears that keep me awake at night. I want someone to open the door and walk into my life and change it for the better. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of not having someone to lean on. I’m tired of being like this. I want to belong somewhere. I want to feel like I have a place to call home. A place of love, peace, and laughter. A place of overwhelming warmth. A place where loneliness cannot penetrate.

My world is so bleak and boring, that I wish someone would come into my life and show me what else is out there. Show me beauty instead of darkness. Opportunities and possibilities instead of fears and worries. I need that warmth, that companionship, that friendship. I need someone to see me, to listen to me, to know me, to understand me…to love me. I need someone to wash away the sorrow and replace it with happiness. I don’t want to keep facing the world all alone, wishing I had someone to share my burdens with, to share my joy with, to share everything with. I don’t belong here. I just feel so isolated and different from everyone else around me. They don’t really know me, and they don’t want to. They see what/who they want to see, but there is so much more to me.

I feel like it is too late to show them what lies inside because they have their own world and I’m not a part of it. I want to belong. I want to have people that make me feel like I matter. Like what I say and do matters to them. I want a home, a family, a good group of friends. I want people I can be myself with and they will love me still. People I can trust wholeheartedly. People I can depend on. People I can let in; to my life, into my heart, and let them see my weakness. I want to be stronger, braver, happier, and just more. I want to find peace in my life, in who I am, where I am going, and what I am going to do.

I don’t have those things which is why I feel lost. I’m scared to want too much, dream too much, love too much, need to much because I always end up alone and disappointed. I’m always left waiting and no one ever comes for me. My heart is my weakness, my mind is my weakness. I am my weakness.

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 21, 2009.

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