Me (As I Am, Not As I Was)

I’ve always been a “moody” person. I’ve always been someone who feels more and sees more than everyone around me. I’ve always been sensitive. All of those things are a part of me. I haven’t been in the greatest of moods these past few days and today it really just got to me, how bored and miserable I am feeling. I feel like I am slipping under the water and I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I just feel really tired and unsatisfied today.

I feel the tears waiting in my eyes for the moment I’m alone and get let them loose. I just feel really emotionally fractured today. I feel so empty inside and I don’t have anything to fill the void inside of me. Everyday it keeps growing larger, and I’m scared one day it while consume all of me. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a life, I don’t have anything to do. Some people would relish all this free time, but for me free time means more time to over think/analyze my life. I mean I can only watch so many movies, tv shows, Asian dramas, read so many books, and listen to so many songs before it gets old and boring like everything else.

I feel so hollow inside today. I have nothing to claim as mine, no place to go to for solitude accept my mind, no friend that I can really let in. Everyone just talks about their own issues, and I am always listening. But when it comes to mine, are they really listening? I really wanted to talk to my friend yesterday, it is hard for me to let others in, but I wanted to, but she was going on and on about her mom, and the moment just left. I knew then that I couldn’t talk to her because she never would listen the way I need someone to listen to me. The way I need someone to understand and acknowledge me. The way I need someone to tell me I matter, what I feel matters, what I say matters…that their listening to me and feel my pain.

I need comfort. I need someone to sit with me and pay attention to what I am saying, what I am feeling ,what I am going through inside. I need someone to see me, look into my eyes, and see the pain underneath the smile. It’s like I have fallen off the edge of a cliff and I am waiting for someone to rescue me, but no one sees me hanging on trying to live. It’s like ever since college ended my friends have just gone their own way, and we just are out of touch. People I though were so close to me, suddenly leave me and everything we’ve been through behind. I can’t always be the one reaching out to them, taking the initiative, and closing the gap. I just can’t do that all the time. I’m tired of putting myself out there for them, when they should do the same for me. I’m tired of letting people in only to have them leave.

Finding good friends are hard, and it seems like a lot of the time you become friends with someone out of convenience or circumstances. I always wanted that group of friends that were like family. Where we were always at each others places, and took road trips together. I wanted those people who knew me, loved me, and were worth my time. People who saw me and all my scars but still stood beside me. People who understood me and accepted all of me. People I could let in to my fortress of solitude knowing they would hold my secrets and me close to their hearts. Is that too much to ask for? I’ve always held myself at a distance because trust has to be earned with me not given, and most people are not trustworthy. Most people will break your heart, but those special people will heal it if you give them a chance.

Even those I consider close to me don’t really know the turbulence inside of me. It is one secret I cannot share, because no one has earned it. No one has proven to me they can be trusted with my deepest secrets, or scars. I let people in and they just end of disappointing me, because in those moments when I need to let out my emotional struggles they let me down. I am there to listen but when it comes to me they don’t give me the full attention I need. A person can say anything, but it is their actions that define them. People say they love you, they can be trusted, they are there if you need them, that their your friends, and then they do something that completely undermines what they say. People are disappointing most of the time, and that is the saddest part of life.

You give people your love, heart, and friendship, but all they give you is pain. Even if I close my eyes, I can still hear all the chaos around me and it is too much. I wake up in the morning wishing today will be different. Today will be better, and then I go to sleep that night disappointed. People don’t change because you want them to. They change because they choose to. Why won’t the people around me choose to change? I’ve changed from the girl I used to me. I miss her, I miss her confidence, spunk, her resolve and passion. I miss her happiness. The young woman I am now has seen too much to hold onto her. I’ve been through a lot and those experiences change you in both good and bad ways.

Sometimes I think if I told people the truth about how I feel about them they would probably cry. I see the truth in people even if they don’t see it or want to admit it to themselves. I’m not oblivious to the reality of them. Especially the people closest to me. If only they knew what I thought about the things they do. Sometimes I feel like I care more than they do, and then I ask myself why? Why do I spend my time worrying for them when they don’t change and sometimes they don’t care. I can’t shut off my heart, but I wish I could care less, feel less, and just focus on myself more. I feel like a sponge absorbing the chaos around me, wishing someone would wring me out and clean me up.

I feel bored, and I feel exhausted, and I feel empty. It is like nothingness is consuming me and I have forgotten how the laugh and smile. I’ve forgotten how to enjoy my life. I’m trying to find out who I am, but how can I do that if I don’t know who I am not. I’m trying to test things out and see what happens. I just need to get out of here, start fresh, and live my own life the way I imagine it to be. As much as I love my family, they are holding me back with their drama, and I just can’t do this any longer. I can’t breathe, and I just need to be released from this chaos. I want to laugh again. I want to smile freely. I want to feel again…I want to feel alive again.

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 12, 2009.

4 Responses to “Me (As I Am, Not As I Was)”

  1. hi there.. i just stumbled upon your blog a few weeks back.. hmm.. why aren’t you working? still finding a job?

    • No one has hired me even though I have filled out may applications. IDK…I got sick back in August and ended up in the hospital. I’m supposed to go to Korea in 3 months so I just need a temp job.

  2. oh… well, actually i don’t mind listening to your rants if you are willing to share it with me… maybe you can drop me an email if you’re comfortable with it. ya.. i do have more great things to share with you but maybe during december coz im currently mugging for my coming exams!

    i want you to know that you’re not alone. not in the sense that your family/friends/readers of your blog are there. putting them aside, no one is alone. i used to feel alone too, but i’ve found the greatest love who can make me alive.

    “Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.”

    this is the love we’re all looking for. because only this unfailing love can satisfy us.

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