I feel like my life shattered into pieces when I got sick, and ever since I have been trying to find all the missing pieces so I can put myself back together. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse. The hardest thing is that I always feel empty inside. There is this feeling of being hollow on the inside, like I don’t really exist. Like I am not truly alive.

What does it mean to be/feel alive? My heart beats like everyone else, I breathe like everyone else, but I don’t feel alive. I am living but I am not alive. I am just here, existing in this world. How does one become alive? I think being alive is when you are living life the way you imagines it to be. When you are happy and satisfied with the world around you. You feel alive when you are doing something you love, or being with the people you love. I feel alive when I write, laugh, and just enjoy the moment. Most of the time though I don’t feel alive, and I don’t know how to turn the switch back on and leave this darkness. I don’t know how to get/bring my “mojo” back from the ashes.

I think when life changes unexpectedly you lose yourself in the chaos, and I am just trying to find my way back. I am stuck here for now and no matter how hard I try I cannot get past that. It’s like being here against my will, because I got sick. I just feel so bored everyday, no job, no school, all my friends are busy with their own lives, no anything. I have nothing to claim as my own, nothing that fills my time with happiness. I just exist, each day, growing more and more frustrated with my emptiness. My life feels empty, I feel empty. I need a jump start to get me moving again, and someone to give me directions.

I need something in my life. I need to know that I matter, that the things I do matter. In order for that to happen I need to do things that actually matter. Instead I am here, at home., everyday living a life that is far from the one I imagined. Waiting for things to finally start, waiting for the change, so I can begin to evolve into the woman I want to be. I don’t know about you, but I have this image in my head of the kind of woman I want to be. Smart, talented, lovely, and fun. It’s not that I am not those things, but that I could be better…I could be more. I want people to see me the way I see myself. I want to have that confidence and let it seep into my soul. I want to know who I am and have a strong foundation to stand upon.

I used to be the kind of woman who took care of my appearance, but ever since college ended and I don’t go anywhere I barely do the things I used to do. Things I loved doing not for others, but because it made me feel wonderful inside. Simple things like doing my nails, to having my day where I go shopping, eat delicious foods, and just have fun. I don’t really do any of those things anymore. I think when you stop taking care of yourself it means things in your life are getting in the way. I just don’t have the same enthusiasm I once had, and I get tired easily. It’s like I am waiting for something big to happen. Something wonderful and unexpected. I guess I am waiting for my miracle. I am waiting for that moment where everything changes for the better.

I’m waiting for that moment of brilliant clarity that lights my path for me and leads me to my future. I am waiting for that moment of understanding in the midst of all this chaos. I am waiting for that moment of love to wash away the bitter taste of hate.

Always waiting…




~ by tsunamiblues on November 11, 2009.

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