Late Bloomer

Today  I spent the day with one of my best friends and as always it feels good being around her. We three-wayed our other bestie and just talked about all kinds of things for over 2 hours, and that is what I love about my girls. We talk, share ,cry, and then talk some more. We can tell each other everything and anything without judgment or condemnation and that is what I love and cherish about having them in my life. I know that no matter where life takes us we will always have each other’s back and it feels good to have friends like them. Out of the three of us I have always been the late bloomer when it comes to all things involving relationships and I still am that person. Sometimes it makes me feel abnormal but at other times I am glad I am waiting till I meet someone worth my waiting.

I think every kiss, touch, moment of love should be special because it’s like you give a piece of your soul to them each moment you spend together. You can’t just give yourself to anyone, and so I continue to wait for that first kiss, love, and so on. It’s hard when one friend is getting married and the other one pregnant and I cannot relate to them on any of those levels. But I know there is no rush or anything like that. We talked a lot about Mr. White Chocolate and whether or not I should let him know about my feelings for him. You see I wish I was brave and that I could live with the probable rejection but I’m a coward and scared to give him that vulnerability knowing what the outcome will most likely be. Someone told me once that if you are not ready to be hurt by love then you don’t deserve to love, and in some ways that is true. Loving someone doesn’t mean they have to or will love you back, and that hurts. Love hurts, and if you can’t take that then you can never really love.

For me as much as I want a special someone in my life I know that there is a lot of things I need to resolve within myself. I need to love who I am, and I need to find my place in this world. I need to find myself and that is hard to do when you are part of a pair. I told them what would be the point of me telling him my feelings when in four months I am going to move out of the country. I guess telling him would be a risk and a closure before I start something new in my life, but at the same time telling him opens up so many door and questions and lots  of awkwardness. I had planned on telling him the day of graduation in a letter but then we drifted apart and I just felt like it would be pointless. I think one day in the future I would like to tell him, just to get it out there and clear that space in my heart. I think I need that closure.

I feel like the love you have for yourself comes before the love you can have for someone else. You have to be secure in who you are and have that confidence and understanding of yourself before you can go and give it to someone else. If you don’t love yourself then no one can really know or love you the way you deserve to be loved. I think that there are different levels when it comes to love and only a few of us reach the highest level. I think that love should never be physically, mentally, or emotionally painful. When you love someone you do your best to put them first, not break them down. Love is bittersweet, but the sweetness outweighs the bitterness. I wait because I believe that sooner rather than later all my waiting will pay off and I will meet that great man who becomes my best friend and the love of my lifetime. It isn’t easy spending my time and days alone but it is for a greater purpose. Everything that I am waiting for will be revealed to me and I will be able to love and honor that relationship to the fullest.

I’m a big believer that love finds us unexpectedly, and most of the time the person we end up loving is never the person we imagined but they are exactly what we needed. They are our partner, match, mate, compliment, they are the missing piece to our life puzzle. But we need to first put all the other pieces together before we can reach that last one. I have a lot of things I am still trying to figure out and issues that I need to deal with. All of that takes time and experience to achieve. We grow and our love grows too. I am not the person I was 2 years ago, and I won’t be the same 2 years from now. I hope as I come into my own being, and learn how to create/find my happiness that I meet my love. That I don’t let him pass me by. That I have to courage to fight for my love and to let it show. That I have the wisdom to know the difference between love and infatuation/lust. That all the things I know I implement in making my relationship strong and healthy.

Sometimes I try to imagine being in a relationship and it is so blurry. I have no idea really what it would be like. It will definitely be a learning experience for me and test all the things I believe to be true, but I know I will be better for the experience. It is hard to admit that I am not ready to be a part of a pair when I have been single all these years without even the slightest taste of like/love. But I know that I still need to wait and trust that God will lead us together. For now he remains my Dream Man who brings me comfort only in sleep. One day though we will meet, and then everything I have been waiting for will blossom beautifully.

So for all the other late bloomers don’t feel lonely or weird, because your time is coming. Each flower has its season, and yours will be exquisite. Stay strong and hold your head high. That person you’ve been waiting for will appear and then you will reap the benefits of your patience. Have hope and faith in yourself. You deserve to bloom and one day your fragrance will capture his/her heart forever.

Until then live your life well and stay true to yourself!

 

 

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 4, 2009.

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