Life’s Lullaby

Lately I have trouble sleeping because for some reason I have this fear of falling asleep. Afraid of the dreams I will have, just this weird feeling of fear. So I try to stay up until I am really tired hoping I will just drift off into sleep and not dream, or at least not remember them. I just want to sleep and wake up rested, something I haven’t felt in quite a few weeks. I lie in my bed thinking about so many things that my mind seems to be in overload.

I think about my family a lot. I think about how hard my mom has it being the only parent we can rely on. I think about how many regrets my dad will have when he’s lying on his deathbed seeing his life pass him by and us not being a part of it…a part of him. I think about my big sister and how wonderful she is, and I just hope she finds a man who loves her wholeheartedly and doesn’t take advantage of her love. I think about my brother, wondering what kind of man he will become if he ever grows up. I think about my friends, and wonder if we’ll last. I think about how hard life is for everyone, how much death and destruction there is. I think about the evil outside in this world and pray that it doesn’t touch our lives. I think about myself and the things I want in my life and wonder how much longer I have to wait till things begin to change. I think about my love that hasn’t come into my life yet and wonder about his life, who he is, what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s up thinking like me as he stares at the ceiling with the dark all around him. I think about life in general and wonder what will tomorrow bring. I think about going to South Korea and wonder what it will be like. Will it be the catalyst that I am in need of? I think about what I will do in the future and have no idea what it will be. I think about my hopes, dreams, fears, and wishes and wonder if life will be kind to me and give me the time to achieve and overcome. I think about everything and sometimes the tears flow, my stomach knots up, and my heart begins to race. Other times I drift off to sleep with the thoughts twisting into dreams encompassing all that I dream and fear.

So here I am afraid to fall asleep, to let the darkness blanket me as I breathe in and out in sleep. I’m scared to shut my eyes because then I have no control on what I see or where the dreams take me. I’m scared of seeing my fears visualized in my sleep, so I try to wait it out. To fight the drowsiness and give myself more time. My body is tired and yet my mind still races on. It’s exhausting at times being me. The music calms me and gives me peace in my moments of chaos. I always have my headphones in the way a baby clings to a blanket for comfort. Music drowns out the fears and the darkness and gives me strength. It brings me hope and love and comfort. Music has always been my friend. I just hope I can always hear and appreciate it. Music brings back memories of better days and lets me imagine future moments of happiness. It lightens my heart and brings me peace. Music is my release from the chaos around me. We all have our life’s lullaby that we use to fall asleep in moments of fear or sadness or even loneliness. For me it’s music, for you it could be the voice of a lover, or something hilarious you love to watch. We all need those sources of hope in the dark hours.

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~ by tsunamiblues on November 2, 2009.

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