Endless Possibilities…

Each affected by the choices we make. The future changes with each moment in the present and that is making me worried. The crystal clear future I had planned for myself seems to be fading into the murkiness of life. It’s absolutely terrifying and I am not sure what to do anymore. My little brother said if I think about it too much (what I should do with my life) then I will never do nothing. There is truth to that, but if I don’t think hard and long about it I could end up doing something I hate for the rest of my life. It is the uncertainty that is really getting to me. Like I am being pulled in two directions.

One direction is telling me to follow my head and do something stable, and the other direction is telling me to follow my heart and explore my options. I know that I can do more than one thing in my life, but as you get older it is harder to pursue your creative cravings. It’s like the artist me is at war with the realist me and my mind is at the center of the battle. I think it is hard to come to terms with the idea that I could just be ordinary when I feel like I am meant to be extra-ordinary. This has nothing to do with ego or arrogance just the feeling that there is something important I am supposed to do that changes this world and the people in it. The feeling that I am going to do something wonderful but having no idea how or when or what I am going to do.

Ever since I was a kid I felt abnormal and that I never fit in. I even thought I was adopted by my family because I was always the oddball child. I guess that comes with being a middle-child. I have always been on the artistic side, something I get from “father,” he always wanted to be a writer and never accomplished that. He said to me the day of my high school graduation, which he didn’t attend that “we are more alike that the blood in your veins”, that statement always makes me mad because as much as I try and pretend we are nothing alike, there is a lot of him inside of me. Sometimes it is hard to admit that. We even have the same name, and nickname (just too many similarities) for my liking. I have always felt like he never really liked me because I remind him of my mom. I might act like my dad in a lot of ways, but I am a dead ringer for my mom. People call me her mini-me and my temperament tends to be like hers too. I used to doodle as a kid, but then I got into writing and the rest is history. Last night, as I was drifting into sleep I kept thinking how I am my father’s daughter…and that scares me.

See my dad is that guy who never amounted to his potential and blames others for that. When we were younger he tried to get my siblings and I into modeling and things like that. He wanted us to be what he never was…famous. My dad turned 50 last February and he doesn’t really have anything to show accept my broken home and the half-siblings I have acquired. So, you see why it makes me nervous? I don’t want to end up like my dad dissatisfied with my life, never amounting to anything much. I think that is a huge possibility when you pursue your artistic pursuits because everyone can be an artist but not everyone is an artist…or a good one at least. I’m not sure of how good I am, or if I am even good enough to try to pursue any of my artistic cravings. I have been looking into a lot of different avenues when it comes to doing something artistic in the future like being a poet, lyricist, songwriter, novelist, short story-writer, journalist, actress, acoustic folk singer, or stay in Korea if I love it there. You see the problem with endless possibilities is that it’s hard to make a choice.

When I think about this is makes me question whether or not I wasted the past four years of my life as Finance major instead of doing something like Creative Writing or English Literature or just something that might not pay well but might be a whole lot more enjoyable. The question remains if my artsy side is really a hobby to have and not a career to pursue. I mean it’s not easy to be any of those things and be relatively successful let alone make an income. Any of those options would be amazing but it depends on whether or not I am a true artist or just a lover of the arts. I would love to work in the music industry writing lyric to songs and maybe actual songs but that is a really hard gig to come by particularly when you have no prior experience. It’s the lyrics of songs that make or break as song for me. They have to have meaning and relate to listeners. Nothing beats a song that resonates with you. I feel like writing lyrics is like writing poetry, but when you add the melody it becomes a song. A huge reason I want to learn how to play the guitar is so I can (try to) compose my own songs and just see if I can do it. I have written lyrics and hummed out stuff but that’s really nothing compared to what I could do learning how to play the guitar.

I don’t have any false dreams but I would like to test the waters and see what happens. It’s like everyday life gets in the way of pursuing our dreams and I don’t want to be 30 years old in a job I hate wishing I was doing something else. I don’t want to be that kind of ordinary. Maybe there is nothing special about me and I am just a beautiful dreamer that is okay as long as I love whatever is part of my ordinary life. Ever since I did mock courts in middle school I decided I wanted to be a judge, and then a lawyer since you have to be a lawyer before you can be a judge. So that has always been where I saw myself, and writing was always just something I loved to do for me. I have always been the kind of girl to stand up to the wrong doers and fighting for the underdogs. I know I would do well with law, but then it begs the question what kind of law should I practice. Again, endless possibilities, and I still have to take the LSAT, get into a Top 10 law school (personal goal), figure out how I am going to afford it, and then do my best. You see it all takes time, money, connections, luck, more time, and opportunities.

I think my problem is that I can’t just spend the rest of my life doing something just because I can do it, if it’s not something I love to do. I want to do something I will love doing and it feel good going to work everyday. Something I am passionate about…I just have no idea which direction I am supposed  to take vs. what I should take vs. what my heart wants to take. Ahh….just writing this all out gives me a headache. I didn’t go to college and graduate to end up having a crisis about where my life is heading. I am literally in limbo about my future and the only semi-stable thing is going to Korea in February to teach, live, explore, and most of all discover things about myself that will hopefully help me see my future with my clarity. I definitely don’t want to have the typical 9-5 life because I will go crazy being a cubicle girl. I would make the best of it but I wouldn’t love it. I know I am good at the business stuff from my classes and internships but I don’t think I would love ding finance for the rest of my life.

My friend said to me the other day stop trying to figure it all out and just see what happens. Haha…if only it was that easy to shut of my mind. God made me an observer.thinker so I end up lost in my thoughts all day long. I don’t think I even know what it means to live in the present. I think that would be amazing and I am trying to be a little more relaxed and see how things turn out. Who knows I could have some crazy love affair in Seoul and stay there forever. I think that’s one thing about dreams; they change over time. I’m not sure if I still want the dream of being a lawyer that my 12 year  old self wanted. I know that I want to travel ,explore, learn the acoustic guitar, practice yoga, and figure the rest out. Haha…I am having an early twenties crisis…no wonder I ended up in the hospital with an ulcer at my age. I feel like everyone around me is moving ahead and here I am standing still. I have always been the late bloomer and still I haven’t bloomed.

My best friends, one is getting married, the other just found out she is going to be a mom, and we are all just 22 years old. Me, I am hopefully going to Seoul at the end of February and from there the future is full of endless possibilities. I don’t need to be rich, because my family has always lived paycheck to paycheck so money has never been a big deal for me. I just want to be able to make enough to support myself and have an emergency cushion. Of course having a bank account with lots of money would be nice but it comes with its own price…usually on the soul. I just want to be happy and stable. I just want to do something I love that touches the lives and hearts of others. Seems simple, but so hard to put into actions. I’m a people person, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have studies psychology, or be a behavioral specialist. God, do you see what I am taking about? There are just so many labels that we could add to our lives but we (I) have no idea what to choose before the choice is made for me.

I look at the people my age who are doing something they love and becoming amazing individuals and I want to be there, standing beside them telling my own story and doing the ting I love. I’m 22 years old and I feel like the years will catch up to me and then I will be 30 years old still trying to figure it all out, then I will be 50 like my father with my life passing me by with nothing to show for it. I want to give myself the time to figure it all out, try different things, and see where the various roads lead me. That is scary at the same time, because time has a way of exacting a price for exploring your options. I am 22 years old and have no idea what I am going to do with my time here on earth. I am lost and full of questions, and just overall clueless and searching in this world of endless possibilities.

~Tsunamiblues~

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 31, 2009.

3 Responses to “Endless Possibilities…”

  1. Very nice blog! Keep up the good blogging!

    I hope you can come visit my blog sometime.

    http://bigworldcentral.wordpress.com/

  2. im just curious why tsunamiblues? is there any reason behind that word?

    thanks!

    • Tsunamiblues came about years ago…I’ve always liked the word “Tsunami” after watching Tenchi Muyo (Japanese anime) and “blues”, refers to my favorite color, and blues music. So I combined them and liked the way it sounded; different, uniqiue, and something that would stand out.

      Thanks for visiting my site, and I am glad to hear my writing touches your life.

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