Falling From The Clouds…

So I am sitting here listening to City and Colour’s “Against the Grain” and thinking how much the lyrics resonate with me.

You need not to climb mountaintops,
You need not to cross the sea,
You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak.
You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark,
And when the wind does blow against the grain,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean’s tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you’ve paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you’re abandoned,
And the road you’ve traveled leads to a dead-end
When death creeps in to play it’s part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart

I’ve been having a hard time these past few weeks where I am realizing a lot of things about my life and it feels like it is all just sinking into me at once. It is pretty overwhelming for me, hence the number of blog entries and the (more than usual) depressing tone they’ve taken. So as I am listening to the lyrics I keep on thinking about growing up. How each moment/experience we have either strengthens or breaks us down. Sometimes we (I) get so caught up in those moments that we fail to realize it is but a moment and it too shall pass.

When something is happening to you it feels so overwhelming that you can’t think straight let alone believe that things will get better. That’s where hope and faith come into play. Even at my darkest I have hope and faith that it will turn around for the better. If I didn’t have my hope and faith I wouldn’t be here writing this right now. I wouldn’t be in this world. A lot of you have read my Dear God entries and know the darkness I was surrounded by two years ago. That was a really hard time in my life and I really didn’t want to go on living. It is hard admitting that I contemplated ending my life, even  though I knew I wouldn’t go through with it, just the moments of thought make me catch my breathe. I got through that time in my life and it made me feel and still feel that no matter what happens to me life is always worth living because I (we) can get through the bad moments so we can enjoy the good moments.

I shiver when I remember the girl I was two years ago, suffering so much inside and no one saw, no one knew what was going on inside of me. I kept it all inside for fear of hurting the people I love even though I was hurting so much. I was so miserable everyday, overwhelmed, scared, and just broken. It got to a point that I couldn’t function in school, I was distant and snappy, I was depressed, and only I knew what I was going through. It was like I was overcome with emotion and every moment felt like an eternity of hell. I just felt bad everyday and all I wanted to do was sleep the pain away. So I slept and I found release from the chaos inside of me. But it effected my school work a lot. I just was too tired to care anymore and let it all slip away. I was so scared of how I was feeling inside, of the thoughts I was thinking, that I decided to go and talk to someone professional and see if something was wrong with me.

I think it is the hardest thing to do but also the most courageous to seek help when you are hurting. The first time, I just felt like it was just a job for the person that they didn’t really see me or care about what was going on with me. The second time, I got the start I needed to fix myself. The person didn’t put me on medications or diagnose me. No, he just listened to me, let me cry, and gave me the time I needed to let the rainfall flow out of me. It was so unbelievably scary and releasing at the same time to let it all out. All my worries, fears, concerns, thoughts…everything poured out of my soul and he listened to me. He gave me exactly what I needed, someone to listen to me. To hear me and make me feel less invisible in the world. He told me that I wasn’t depressed, that I just need to stop trying to be a perfectionist and learn to love the person in the mirror. That I needed to realize it is okay to fall, because no one can always be strong. Weakness isn’t a crime, it is a part of being human. That a mistake isn’t the end of the world, but an opportunity to start fresh. He told me that I was smart and that I just needed to believe in myself. He gave me the encouragement I needed and it was a stepping stone for me to start fresh.

I went home that day and cried, letting all my demons out, and made the choice to fix me, love me, support me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, that things wouldn’t just change overnight, but it was a start and that was the most important thing. It was a moment where everything that had felt so ominous wasn’t as scary as I first thought. It was the moment I started loving and believing in myself again. It was like a second chance at life for me and I took it. I knew I didn’t want to die or leave this world like this. I knew that I had a future ahead of me, and I knew I needed to fight for myself and my happiness. That was the hardest time of my life for me, but I got through it…I’m still getting through it. I’m alive and life may not be easy but it is worth it. Living is worth it. Each day that I am alive is a small miracle and blessing for me. Life is the ultimate gift and I don’t take it for granted.

I think it is really hard to talk to the people you love about things like depression and suicide, but  you have to talk to someone. You have to let someone inside so they can help pull you out. I listened to music because for me it healed me with each lyric. I wrote and I still write because it heals me and I hope it helps heal others. I know what it feel like to be invisible, to feel like your whole being is worthless, and that each day is draining you. I know what it feels like, and I also know that feeling doesn’t last forever. You can get through it and move on with your life a stronger person. No matter what the situation is, no matter what is going on. You matter, your life matters, and you deserve to live and be loved and cherished. You have a right to live a good life, and you have to fight for it and believe that you are worthy.

It isn’t easy, but nothing ever really is. Two years later, I am a college graduate who is starting the next chapters of my life. I got through those dark moments of life and am fighting still to keep living. It will never only have ups; you will have downs but you can get through it, you will get through it. Like the song says, “you must follow your heart” and know that you are strong enough to make it through the darkness. That your light will guide you through the shadows of life. I am far from perfect, and there are still issues in my life that I am working on but I haven’t give up my fight for a better life. There will always be pitfalls and failures but there will also be triumphs and happiness. You have to relish those good moments so you can get through the bad ones.

Some moments last longer than others but every moment has an ending, and you will reach it. It all comes down to the belief you have in yourself. You deserve happiness and anyone that tells you or treats you different shouldn’t have any part in your life. You have to surround yourself with people who will support and encourage you and love you for who you are, the good and the bad, and sometimes the ugly. Everything you go through is a part of your personal growing up process. A falling from the clouds experience where you land in a world full of realities, each based on the individual’s perspective. We lose a bit of our innocence as we grow older and life shows up the reality of our world, but that doesn’t mean we have to just take it. We have control over a lot of things in our lives, so take those things and change them to how you want them to be. You are the only person that can truly fix you. You know what is broken and you are the one with the tools to put it back together.

You can’t fix it if you don’t admit or realize it is broken, and these things take time to heal, and sometimes they never fully heal. But the memories are reminders not to go back down that dark path but to look ahead and move forward. You have to pull yourself out of your sadness and seek out the light. Seek out those things in your life that give you hope and faith in yourself, this world, and life. Life is always going to be unpredictable, full of changes, bad moments, good moments, sadness, happiness, life is a mix of the light and darkness; you just have to try and stay in the light and away from the shadows. This is your life, what do you envision it to be? When things happen, when that curve ball makes you falter, just remember that you can do it, you can get through it, and you will be better for the experience. You have to believe that from the bottom of your heart. You have to believe in you because no one else can do it for you.

Two months ago I got really sick and ended up in the hospital. It was one of those unpredictable curve balls and it changed my life. It was my third chance at life that God gave me, and some of us don’t get those. But I am alive, and even though I am grateful I have moments where I struggle with the changes. All my plans and dreams came to a crashing pause when I got sick and it has been hard coming to terms with it all. But that doesn’t mean I will just give up and accept my situation. No it makes me realize how precious life is, and that I have to pursue my dreams while I can. Two months later, here I am, getting healthier each day and moving ahead towards my dream(s) again. God gave me my life back and I am trying my best to make the most of it. To find/create my passion and go after the life I want, or at least try and figure it out. There are so many things that are out of your control, but focus on the ones that are within your power to change for the better. Focus on finding people who will support you and help you achieve your hearts desires. Focus on the things in your life that make you happy, smile, laugh…etc. You will need them the most to fight of those dark moments.

For me writing and music have always been my source of strength in the darkness. There is something very liberating about pouring myself out in my writing. Something speaking doesn’t give me. It allows me to put my vulnerability into words for all to see. Music; how I love music. There is something in that moment where you find a song that just resonates inside of you, as if it was written just for you, for that moment in your life. As if the singer is talking to your soul. Music comforts me, it always has, and it always will. You have to find those things, people, places…whatever it may be that will heal you, give you strength, and help you in those dark moments.

Each minute that we are alive we get a little older, with every experience we gain more wisdom, and that is what life is about. We are learners for life; so take it all in, analyze it, and get rid of the bad bits, but learn from it all. Follow your heart and let it lead you to your dreams. Live the life you have imagined for yourself because this is your life, yours to build up or to destroy. We have that moment of choice, and I chose to live and to endure whatever comes my way. You see I have a dream for myself and I won’t ever give up on it or me and neither should you. Life is hard, but what isn’t? Just know that you can get through it, it might not be the way you planned or you expected, but in the end all is well.

When I started writing this wasn’t the blog entry I planned but sometimes the best things are the ones that just happen. I have been wallowing in my sadness over being sick and my current situation for the past few weeks and today while listening to this song it just hit me that I am more than this. I am more than this, and I just need to get back up and start living again. I can’t keep going over what happened and wishing I can change it, because it’s in the past and the past cannot be changed. We have only the present to create our futures. So I want to start living again, dreaming again, and believing again in myself.

I’m not going to give up, and I am not going to back down. I am not going to wallow in sadness, or live in the past. I am going to get up again and start dreaming and planning. I am going to make things happen and it all starts now. With my choice to fight back the darkness and I hope you will keep fighting too. Find that thing that makes life worth living and hold it close to you. Let your light shine brightly upon this world because you can and you should. I believe in you, and hope that you find what you are looking for. I know what it feels like to be trapped in the dark but you have the power to find the switch to illuminate your life. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and things will fall into place. It won’t be easy, or perfect, but in time you will see that it was worth it. Happiness is yours for the taking so reach out and find/create it!!! I believe in you but it won’t matter if you don’t believe in yourself.

With love,

~Tsunamiblues~

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 30, 2009.

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