Lying here as my wounds bleed out

I look back on my life and wonder

Where did it all go wrong?

It might have been the day my dad left us

That everything I knew changed

The innocence of youth vanished

The one man who was supposed to love me

Always left me behind by choice

My picture perfect world shattered

The shards still scattered everywhere

I realized that love was a bittersweet

It leaves memories of its aftertaste

Forever and ever…

That was my first wound

Its the deepest one in my heart

I’m not daddy’s little girl anymore

I’m not anyone’s anything either

Over time the surface wounds healed

While the deeper scars bloomed

Life went on and I grew older

I made my environment perfect

A false reflection on my life

I let people inside my shield

Only to be wounded again

I should have learned my lesson

People always leave

People always disappoint

People always lie

All the good memories becomes shadows

In the wake of the bad ones that burrow deep

Love makes us liars and even worse victims

That was the second, third, fourth…..wound

So here I lay, broken and wounded

The tears spilling out in rivers of sorrow

Where did it all go wrong?

Why did it never go right?

Here I lay, alone and dying

My final hour has ended

In bittersweet memories

By: Tsunamiblues

If you have ever heard Sia’s “Breathe Me” that is the one song that describes everything I am feeling so well.

This morning I was thinking about my friends and what it means to be someone’s true friend, how we find those people, and sometimes lose them, how do we keep them when life takes us in different direction, how do we let them go, how do we find new ones? Life after college is turning out to be full of more downs than ups and more failures than triumphs. I had a plan, a dream, a vision for my life and now it feels like the future is this big black hole of nothing but darkness. I was less than a day from starting my new life, my journey of self-discovery, and then I got sick and landed in the hospital and my life changed. In an instant it all changed. It was 1o minutes to 5PM on August 20, 2009 that my life changed in an instant. Everything I knew and wanted crumbled and fell away. I was 21 years old and sick. I couldn’t leave anymore to start fresh. Instead I got sucked back here having to deal with this sudden and unpredictable situation. I was angry, mad, disappointed, and so sad. I am still. I try to put on a brave face but inside I am miserable. It feels like my dream was snatched away from me and sometimes I blame myself for not seeing the signs. I blame to doctors for not being more thorough. I blame this sickness for ruining everything. I am grateful to be alive and healing but I don’t know how to make the people around me understand that this isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be here. I was less than 24 hours from starting over and now I feel like I am people held back. I cannot breathe and each day gets harder and harder to keep my sorrow in. I close my eyes and just want to sleep the day away to shut out the noise. I just want silence and peace and solitude.

I have 4 more months left here, that is if everything goes as planned and my world doesn’t come crashing down again. That is what terrifies me the most that I might end up stuck here, in this life that I don’t want forever. I want to fly free not end up caged here forever and ever. I want to feel the clouds at my fingertips and know that I am capable of more. I’m scared to get my hopes up, to dream again, to feel that same passion only to lose it again. I don’t know how to move past this fear and just believe and trust that it will all work out and be okay. I wish I could be that optimistic but I have always been a realist seeing the holes in the brightness of life. I feel so left behind, always the wallflower, always the late bloomer, always the one alone and invisible. Everyone around me has purpose, plans, dreams and their making them happen but I am just here, existing but not really living my life. I’m stuck here on this earth when I feel like I should be flying high and free. I want to feel alive and right now I just feel like a zombie. Each day drifting into the next and so on. There is just so much going on and I have nowhere to run and hide at.

All my friends are far or busy with their own lives and I just don’t have anyone to talk to, and mostly I am scared to trust anyone and end up wounded. What is friendship? Is it a convenience of life and nothing more? I have always wanted the kind of friends that are practically family. Mi casa su casa and son. Where we’re always there for each other and find comfort together. Friends that last a lifetime. Friends that comfort you in your darkest hours, who support and don’t judge. Who know you inside out, especially the things you try and hide. I think we spend a lot of our lives without those  kinds of friendships and I wonder if I will ever find that. I don’t want friends for a moment or ones of convenience I want people I can trust and turn to. People I can say these things to. I feel a sense of loneliness even amongst my friends. Like I never really fit in or belong with them. I think finding good and true friends is one of the hardest things in life. I  am 22 years old and feel like my entire world has crumbled and I have nothing left but memories. I keep saying how I miss college because that is where all my friends were. We were all together so it was easy, but now as life separates us and time goes on we drift and it is hard to stay together. So were those friendships meaningless? I don’t think so because I gained something and learned from all those friendships even when they ended.

I guess I just need a friend I can really talk to. How many others are there like me, searching for people who get us, understand us, love us, and comfort us? Too many…that’s the sad thing. I am not alone in my sorrow and that makes it worse. It is so hard to trust someone with your vulnerability when you don’t know how long they’ll be a part of your world. I want to trust someone, but for me trust is earned and not just given. It is so hard to let people in, but at the same time I want to let them in so badly. I want to believe they are worthy of my trust. I have been having trouble sleeping these past few weeks because my mind is full or thoughts and questions. I’m still trying to figure things out…trying to find/create my purpose/meaning in life. Today, I woke up praying to God for him to come into my being and strengthen me. To give me peace and mercy in my life. To help me walk beside him, and for him to carry me in his arms and let his warmth seep into me. I really feel like my spiritual self is slowly seeping way in the midst of this chaos. I need to feel close to God and know that he is walking beside me and hears me. So I prayed, and prayed for him to help me, guide me, show me the way. I always wonder why God created me, each life has a reason and I wonder what’s mine. My sister likes to call me “sensitive” and I always hated that but it really is true. I am very sensitive to things and I feel things more than most people. Things people have said or done to me stays with me forever. They make me questions myself and everything I know. That is both a good and a bad thing, just like every strength has its weakness.

I know no one can fix me or save me but me. I just know that I want to be comforted, to be held, to be healed, to be protected. I want someone to tell me its going to be okay, to hear my worries and really listen to me. I want my true friend but I don’t know how to find them. I”m so exhausted these days. I have been on medication/rest for the past two months, am jobless, and low on friends, and I guess sometimes I sink into moments of pity. I know my life is not horrible but it’s not great either. I just hope something happen to right my crumbling world back to normal. I want things to happen and for things to be different. I want to meet people who will carry me when I can no longer walk. I want God to open my eyes and let me truly see with clarity the world around me. I want someone to breathe me in and see me. I don’t want to feel lonely and invisible anymore. I want someone to be my friend. I want to find that beauty inside myself. I want to smile, laugh, and dream with abandon again. I don’t want to spend everyday in worries.

I want to be free and happy…

~ by tsunamiblues on October 29, 2009.

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