Midnight Solitude

There is something wonderful about being awake and alive at this time. A moment of beginnings and endings, of the old and the new. I’m sitting her listening to Stray’s Don’t Sleep’s “For Blue Skies” wondering why sleep fails me these days. Why am I sitting with tears dripping from my eyes feeling so exhausted and sad. Feeling like all my energy is zapped from my soul and my reserves are gone. I don’t want to feel like this, this angst and miserable feeling of confusion, loneliness, and most of all being lost. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I want to feel alive. I want to feel happy and find meaning in my life.

I know that life is precious and I shouldn’t waste it feeling like this, believe me if I knew how to fix this, fix me I would. I wouldn’t wait and let this sink any deeper. If I knew how to turn it off, this feeling like something is missing I would. I wonder why God created me this way. I feel too much, think to much, want to much. I absorb everything around me and sometimes is stays with me forever. I get scared to close my eyes these days and sleep because of what I might dream and knowing that when I sleep I get closer to tomorrow and the cycle goes on. I am on edge and I wonder how much more I can take before I can’t take anymore, not even a little bit.

I want to see the people around me happy, then I feel like I can be free to find happiness myself. How can I smile and laugh when the people around me are suffering, broken, sad, and sacrificing. How can I not cry for them, for their pain, for their sorrow? I feel for them and wish to take their pain away, but I can’t. I cannot fix anything, because I don’t have the ability, money, wisdom, or experience to make it all better. Just sitting by and wishing and praying for them to be happy isn’t changing anything.

How I wish to laugh from deep within my soul and know that feeling of happiness. How I wish we could all obtain happiness. I just feel too much and see to much. The evil that pollutes this world is so present that it is suffocating. I want to save people from that pain. I want to shield them from that sorrow, but I feel so useless and small compared to the bad in this world. What can I do? I know I am not a superhero but sometimes I wish we had superheroes to save us all. To pick up those who have fallen, and heal those who are broken.

I think about all the lost and lonely souls in this world and it makes me so sad and heartbroken and I wonder what can I do to help them. What can I do with my life to save them? What can I do to give them hope and a little peace of mind? What can I do to take the nightmares and pain away? What can I do to make it better? Who can I become that can really make things different for this world? I just want to do more than I am now, because I know what it is like to be broken, scarred, faithless, and lonely. I don’t want people to feel the way I did. Two years ago I felt like life was pointless and wondered if I would make it through that time. That was the hardest time of my life as some of you know from my Dear God entries.

I think about how I felt, and get scared that someone out there is feeling the same way. That someone out there is suffering and hurt like me. I wish I could help them, tell them it gets better, that they are strong enough to beat their demons. I want to know that I am making a difference for the good in this world. I don’t want more lost souls in future generations. But I am only one person, one young lost soul, what can I possibly do the help all the other ones? I wish I had the answers but like everyone else all I have is questions. Everything else is hazy. I just know I want to save others and fight for their justice. I want to believe in the goodness of this world.

I want to believe…I want to believe so desperately that good conquers evil. That those who do bad deeds will get them in return. I want to believe that goodness brings upon goodness. But all I see is more and more evil in this world, People, so young and full of possibilities sinking into the dark and doing all kinds of crazy things. I wonder about the humanity of our world and where it has gone. What is going on with our generation and the ones after us? We are all capable of evil, but it seems more and more people are embracing their darksides.

I want to be part of that light that shines into this world and gives people hope for better days. I want to make a difference but I don’t know how. I guess I am looking for my calling.

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 28, 2009.

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