Life

Is really the ultimate puzzle, we try to fit the pieces together so that it becomes something at least recognizable if not special. When I was younger I used to feel so secure in who I was, where I was going, who I would be growing up. I had a plan, a vision, a beautiful dream for myself. I had the confidence and motivation to not let anything get in my way. I was seeing my life through clear eyes but now that has all changed. Everything has become cloudy and I am unable to figure out where I am supposed to go anymore.

I’m no different from the rest. All those plans have unraveled because of life, at least the living aspect of it. I am not the same person I was in high school and while that has its upside it also has its downside. I never would give up or in. I always fought for what I wanted…and most of the time I got it. I learned in college that life is not that easy, and I grew and stretched myself even more. Now “life after college” is supposed to be the time where things make sense, plans come into play, and I focus on the future but I feel lost now when I should feel found.

I feel like I wasted the last four years of my life on a major I never really wanted and definitely didn’t love. I think being a Finance major has given me a lot of tools but I am not really using them. Sometimes I wish I had been braver and done Creative Writing or something like that. Finance to me is a backup plan and broad enough that I can do a lot of different jobs with if I don’t go to law school in the future.

Ahhh…law school. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a judge and I knew I had to be a lawyer first. I felt passionate about justice and being an advocate for those who can’t represent themselves. Even now I feel like that is my calling, but I am not as certain of it anymore. I am not certain about anything. I am unsure about everything. It is like I have amnesia and don’t know who I am anymore.

Everything that I thought I wanted or needed doesn’t feel the same anymore. Those dreams I had don’t seem like mine anymore. I have no idea who I am anymore, where I want/need to go or who I want to be. I have no idea if I should be a lawyer/judge or if there is something else I am supposed to do. I know I want to inspire others to live better lives, to not let their circumstances dictate them, to make wise choices, and so on. I know I want to work with youth of all ages to find/create themselves. To know they are more than their situations. I want to be that role-model, mentor, and inspiration for them. I just don’t have a clue how to go about doing it.

I am someone who likes to be in control and to have control but everything seems to be unraveling around me and my control is nonexistent. It feels like as I grow up my eyes see the world for what it is and I find myself having a smaller role in it. When your a kid you feel indestructible but as I get older I find myself more and more vulnerable to this world. I find myself questioning what I once believe wholeheartedly. I go through each day feeling blank, waiting to find that paintbrush that will allow me to start painting again. A portrait of my life only I could create.

I’m not sure of where I am going but I do know I want time to figure it out, to explore, test the waters, travel, to make mistakes and face the consequences. I wish money didn’t dictate so much of what we can do. I would love to just explore the world until I found/created my place in it. I haven’t even begun to explore my possibilities. There is so much of living I haven’t done yet. I am 22 years old and I have no idea where I will be 1,2,5,10…years from now. There are so many paths, choices, and the like that will come my way and each will change, shape, challenge, and stretch me. The only thing I am sure of is that I have to do something that makes me happy, and that makes a positive difference in the lives of those around me.

Sometimes I wonder if I could be a writer, but that is a dream that will have to wait until I have solid footing and the time to really pursue it. I would want my writing to inspire and comfort others. To let them see/know they are not alone. Sometimes I think about my love for music and how it would be amazing to be a songwriter or find talented artists. Or maybe I could be an inspirational speaker, musician, or a professor, or….the possibilities are endless. I mean how many people actually end up doing something they love, or were made to do?

I just see this endless path in front of me and I have no idea what will happen on it, but I guess living is about finding out. I just don’t want to be someone I am not or live a life that I never really wanted in a job that I hate. I don’t want to conform, settle, or give in. I want to be no one but me. I want to know who I am and not let anyone or this world define me.

I want to have confidence in myself. I want to believe that I can overcome any obstacle that comes my way. I want to know that I am in control of who I am not anyone else. I want to have motivation and drive to make it happen. I want to have the humbleness to know my limits. I just want to be secure in myself, my life, and my future.

Life is a mystery that I don’t think I will understand until it is over. I just know that the here and now is out of my control and I just hope that soon my world will begin to right itself again and I will have some solid footing to start over, to continue, to change. I know in my heart that being here is not for me, that I have to go and see what else is out there. I need to find/create me and I cannot do it here. I feel so held back by my circumstances and it is crushing my spirit.

I just know that there is more to life than what I am seeing and experiencing. I want to feel that liberation of knowing that where I am and what I am doing is right. I want that feeling of belonging to a place that was meant for me to find/create. I want to look around me and know this is where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing, who I was created to be.

I want to have few regrets about the way I lived when I leave this world. I want to have a legacy that helps and inspires others. A bit like that pay it forward mentality. I want to know/feel that I left this world better than I entered it. I want to know that my life mattered…that it made a difference in someone else’s. I want to know that I lived my life not just for me but others as well. That my life had purpose and meaning for others. I feel like life ends when you die, but living can go on forever…like memories. We die, but we never truly die if we leave something behind in this world.

Like a picture that reminds us of the people no longer with us. We keep a part of them with us even when their physical bodies are gone. The people we loved that died live on in us, our memories and hearts, the snapshots of our lives…they live on even in death…not all but some. I guess I want to be someone who’s living doesn’t end with my death. I want to close my eyes and welcome death one day knowing that I have done my part to help this world, to nurture those who came after me, and most all of that my life and the love I had for others did something positive for humanity.

I guess I have high expectations of myself. I am not trying to be someone grand or special, but I don’t want to leave this world only caring for myself and my own needs. Living involved others, and I don’t want to die a selfish, uncaring person. I want to die in peace knowing I have done my best to help the people of this world.

Like I said life is a puzzle, and hopefully we get the pieces to fit into what we want.

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~ by tsunamiblues on October 21, 2009.

2 Responses to “Life”

  1. 22…and I am 54 but could have written those exact words you so lovingly shared. At 22, I had those same feelings but figured I had time, lots of time and here I am at 54, still wondering, married, three children later. I had my children late so at 54 I still have teenagers and one pre-teen. They are great, yes, but now I feel guilty if I want to take a workshop or do something on the weekend because I am not spending time with them. My advice to you is go forward. Do the things you want to do. Avoid getting into debt so that you owe nothing and are free to move around. If you are able to just get away for a month alone, do so. Pick a place where you have always wanted to go, and then just go. Don’t second-guess things too much. I did. I second-guessed everything or I thought too far into the future. This is my second marriage; my first was in my early 20’s. I knew then it was a mistake, but waited five years to get out. No children from that marriage and instead of moving forward and traveling, finding myself, doing adventurous, fun things, I got involved in another relationship right away. And then I was “stuck” again. These are the best words of wisdom I can offer you from my own experience. WE MAKE OUR OWN LIVES. We cannot expect that a job or a situation will make the life for us. We have to go out and make the life that we want. There is the story in the Bible about the three men who are each given a small salary. One buries it; one spends it; the last one invests it and it flourishes. Take your gifts and make them flourish. Meditate and listen to that voice inside. Life has to have some type of adventure, too much security is boring. And, lastly, before you settle down, make sure you’ve explored as much as you can and want to explore. Once you have children, that is your priority. “You can have it all” is a fallacy. You must be present in what you are doing when you are doing it. Sure, you can do many things, but when the important things start to suffer, you need to ask yourself, what is my priority at this moment?

    Blessings.

    • Thank you for the advice Maria. You are right about life being what we make it. Even more so that we(I) shouldn’t second guess myself too much. I used to have the future all planned out but as I get older I realize that it is pointless to spend to much time on the future because we have the present to deal with, and every choice we make now changes the future. I am trying to be braver and go after the things I REALLY WANT to do in my life. To live the life I have imagined not the one others have. I just don’t want to hurt anyone, but at the same time I don’t want to have regrets.

      I am ready to test things out, see where I can go, and how far out of my element I can be. I want to know I am more than the current me. I want to stretch and expand so I will go forward and do the things I want to do, because at the end of the day it’s my life I am living. As far as marriage and kids and the like I want/plan to wait several years. I want to be selfish and independent and not worry about any responsibilities but my own. I want that freedom to explore and I am going to do my best not to back down.

      Thanks for the advice, and it is never too late to start doing the things you want to do. Your kids are the priority but don’t forget to take care of your needs.

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