As hard as I try to pretend, the truth remains that we lived in a fucked up world filled with fucked up people and their fucked up lives, families, friends…fucked up everything. We live in chaos. We live in some seriously crazy chaos. I try and shut my eyes to that chaos and just hope that if I pretend it doesn’t exist then it won’t. But nothing is that easy or simple. Chaos cannot disappear even when you close your eyes to it. You can still hear it, breathe it, and live it.

What the fuck does it mean to be normal? We live in a world where abnormal is normal. We are all scarred from our experiences some temporary but most permanent. They shape us, torture us, and sometimes they shatter us. We try to fight the chaos but we just fall deeper into its never-ending misery. Its all just so fucked up and sometimes it really get to me, how crazy everyone and everything is. We are all just shadows of ourselves. We pretend, lie, fight, hurt, cry every single day. If there is one thing everyone in the world has in common in a shared misery and dissatisfaction.

Some times I lie in bed at night, and I think about this chaos and the tears overflow. What do you do? How can you fix something when you don’t know how it broke. When you have no tools or experience. How do you make everything okay when you have no power? How do things get better when they just keep getting worse? My head hurts from this chaos, my heart is aching, and I am breaking into little shattered pieces. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am dizzy from this chaos. Closing my eyes doesn’t work anymore because the chaos still seeps in.

Everything is out of control and I have no fucking idea how it is all going to be fixed. We are born into this world full of innocence and love and then we grow up and in time we lose little bits of our innocence until it is all gone and we see the world for the fucked up place that it is. We see our parents for their flaws and not the idols we thought they were. We get disappointed, broken, hurt, misused…we get fucked up and we become just like those before us.

The lucky few stay innocent until death claims them. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and I just want to scream that is is unfair…so much of what happens to us isn’t by our choices or in our control. Not until we are older and by then we are screwed up and carrying some permanent scars. I wonder what it would be like not to suffer, feel pain, be hurt and disappointment. Would that be happiness? I would really like to taste happiness even just once. Is it selfish to want to leave it all behind and find happiness when everyone else doesn’t?

I close my eyes and I am running and running and running with the wind caressing me as the tears stain my cheeks. I am running and it feels glorious. It feels like I am flying, and the rain is soaking through my body into my soul. It is cleansing me, freeing me, saving me. Everything, all the chaos, and the fucked up things about life and living fade away in rivers of water. Everything bad and evil disappears and all that is left in the end is me savoring the warmth of the sun. All that is left is me…starting over.

But then I open my eyes and everything comes back into focus. You can’t wish chaos away. You can’t cry it away either. Your trapped…I’m trapped and I cannot see any way out. I look out at the world around me and wonder what’s your story, what happened to you to make you like this, just how fucked up are you? I look out at the world with questions that never get spoken. I look at all the sad faces wishing I could take it all away. Take away the pain, confusion, misery, hurt, sadness, loneliness, betrayal…I wish I could take away all the bad things and replace them with good.

It feels like all the good in the world is vanishing everyday while the bad keeps being brought to new life. Nothing seems to work anymore to take away the chaos. Everything just keeps getting more and more fucked up…and its not this world but the people in it that keep messing it all up. Why can’t they mean what they say, and do what their supposed to? The headaches are more often and I am scared they’ll never disappear. I am tired of fighting and losing every time. I’m tired of trying to depend on others only to be let down. I’m tired of letting people in only to end up worse for wear. I am so fucking tired of loving people who will never love me properly.

They are the ones that really fuck you up. Your parents, friends, lovers, and others; they let you down so badly. The leave the deepest scars and they leave you with so many disappointments and awful memories. They screw you up the most and most of the time they are too selfish to care or to self-absorbed to notice. I’m tired of always doing the right thing. Always having my family’s back. When is the last time they had mine? I’m tired of this superficial bullshit. I’m tired of caring to the point of hurting. I’m just tired…exhausted really. Its like all my energy has been depleted and my reserves gone.

I have nothing left to give and I don’t want to give anymore. I just want to escape from it all. Not to run away but to find my way. To find and keep my peace. I can’t keep standing still in this chaos. I need someone to hear my voice. I need hope…I think hope is the only thing keeping me going right now. Hope for the future, for my future. Hope that I won’t be as fucked up as my parents and that I won’t do the same to my kids. Hope that I will figure out what makes me happy and make a living with it. Hope that I will just find some answers and things will begin to make sense. Hope is the only light in this chaos. It might not be very bright but it still exists.

~ by tsunamiblues on October 12, 2009.

2 Responses to “Chaos”

  1. All we can do is keep breathing. As overwhelming as it feels, you will find your way. Not because you keep looking for it, or because you want it so badly, but one day it will just turn up. And suddenly the world will be the right way up again. things will fall into place. Life will happen like it was meant to. It will be easier. Simpler.

    It will happen, it just takes time.

    And you’ll love it so much the more when it arrives.

    Until then, sending love your way!

  2. I could relate what you are feeling today coz that is what I felt right now.I’m just so pissed off with people today. There are just plenty of insensitive people in the world.sigh

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