Peace, Love, Korea, Weddings, Family…

Hello everyone! I hope you are having a blessed day. It has been a while since I have written a real post so here is everything in one possibly long blog entry hence the title:).

Peace:

That is all I want and have ever wanted in my life. To be at peace and have a peaceful kind of life. I am slowly realizing that having peace isn’t something that comes into my world easily. Not when you are a human being who interacts with other humans being in that intertwined part of life. Right now my environment is not allowing me to find peace or to have peace and it is kind of out of my control. So it feels like I am just holding my breath and frustration inside because letting it out won’t change a thing. For now this is the way things are and I am just going to have to put up with it for a couple more weeks. I didn’t think my life after college would be like this, but I am trying to be slow to anger and quick to love but lets just say I have short temper and very little patience so it makes things kind of hard. However, I am trying to change that and be careful not to hurt other people’s feelings. But sometimes I just wan/need my own space so I can breathe and find that serenity I need.

Love:

I feel like something is in the air an everyone around me is breathing it in but me. Maybe it is because it is summer time or because it is so freaking hot here that everyone seems to be pairing up except me as usual. I don’t necessarily think it is bad thing since I will be leaving soon but it kind of makes it hard to hang out with people when all they want to do is be with their significant other. I mean I can’t really blame them for that. Love seems to be quite intoxicating around here these days.

Korea:

I cannot put into words how I feel about being able to go to Korea. I would place that feeling somewhere between utter excitement and a simmering fear. I am excited to be starting a new chapter of my life, away from everything I know and just being on my own. I am fearful that I could be walking into something I am not prepared to handle. I mean no matter what research I do, people I talk to, or books I read I will not be fully prepared for whatever comes my way. However, if I am every going to soar amongst the clouds I have to spread my wings and that is something I am unable to do here. I have 52 more days before I leave and I am counting it down day by day. I feel like I am in a state of limbo right now and I cannot wait to just do it and see what happens next. If I never challenge myself to take a risk or overcome my fears I will always be crippled with it for the rest of my life and I am to young to do that.

Weddings:

This past weekend I went to a wedding, but that isn’t the point. The point is that there are at least four more weddings coming up within the next six months. There have already been 4 weddings including the one I went to this weekend since March. It is like some love virus is going around because everyone either seems to be getting engaged or getting married. Whenever I go to weddings I always picture myself at my own wedding wondering who my groom is. My dream was always to be married by 25, we will see what God has planned for me. Seeing as I have never been in a relationship or anything relationship like who knows what will happen. I will be 22 this coming September and I will be spending it in another country but I hope that my 22nd year is a year of discovery, growth, love, and wisdom:)

Family:

I love my family but sometimes I don’t like my family. Everything is interconnected in this blog entry even though they are separated by titles. The reason I don’t always like my family is like most human beings they sometimes drive me bonkers. I mean over the roof crazy with their drama, stupidity, foolishness, and inability to change. I am really learning to keep my mouth shut when it comes to things I wish would be different because at this point talking is useless because the same crap still happens. People don’t change because you want them to, they change because they choose to. So I am done trying to change them, I am done being the middleman aka the peacemaker, I am done pushing my dreams aside to make theirs real. Nope not going to happen.

A lot of people are questioning my decision to go to South Korea but  they never ask why I want to go so bad. I don’t have anything here besides my mom and siblings. I want to go my own way, live my own life the way I want to and I don’t want to be held back by them. I am not trying to run away or leave them behind. No, I am trying to move towards my happiness and I cannot do that here. I cannot breathe here, and I sure cannot find peace here. I feel like I am suffocated here because everything is just so static and everyone important to me is going there own way. I am not going to be left behind while everyone goes their way. No I am going to create my own story as well. I said it before that I don’t want to be the side character in the story of my life.

I only know of this one life and so I have to live a happy one. I have to do things that make me happy while hurting as few people as possible.  My family might not like me leaving, and it might hurt them but it will hurt me more if I stay. I cannot live my life in the shadows of my mother nor at the forefront of her dreams for me. I cannot live my life through the opinions of strangers but I can and will live my life through my dreams and goals. I am picking up that pen and writing what happens next. No one else can write my story for me and make it the truth. Because only I know the real, honest, and raw truth of my life. After all this is my life and if I don’t live it someone else will.

So that is pretty much the thoughts I have been having these days. When I lay down to sleep my mind is full of visions of how I wish to be and live and I know that if I stay I will be regretful, bitter, and miserable for a long time to come. So for my readers I just want to say that finding, seeking, creating, and wanting happiness is not a sin as long as you don’t step over people cruelly to get it. You cannot be what your parents want you to be if your heart belongs somewhere else. Sometimes you have to let people go in order for you to follow your dreams. You are not your parents dream, you have to find or create your dreams and go after it. I am still figuring out the chapters of my story, so don’t feel like you have to rush or that there is a deadline. The only deadline is death so until then move forward and don’t ever let anyone be the lead in your life story. That spot will always belong to you!

~Tsunamiblues~

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~ by tsunamiblues on June 30, 2009.

3 Responses to “Peace, Love, Korea, Weddings, Family…”

  1. I’ve often felt the same way about peace. Once you finally understand what peace is like — that deep sense of well-being about the world — it’s hard not to long for it. Love also, I hope we both find it! Thanks for your thoughts. I enjoyed reading.

  2. You know, I should be sleeping right now, but sleep can wait.

    Tonight was the first time that I watched the movie My Sassy Girl and it moved me so much that I felt like I needed to look up any additional contexts or meanings to the Fate quote before going to bed. That was how I came upon your “Fate is building a…” post and man, you sure do write purty; I couldn’t stop reading it until I was done. Reading it reminded me of a time long past when I used to write, though I have to admit that my writings were not nearly as clear or as concise as yours. I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that perhaps I’ve met you before because of how intimate of a connection you create with your reading audience. Kudos to you!

    So far I’ve only read two of your posts: the Fate one and this one, your most recent one. I read this one because I thought it appropriate to comment on your most recent post and I didn’t want my praise of your Fate post to be totally out of context. As such, here are a couple things relevant to this post:

    That’s awesome that you’re going to Korea! Though I’m not Korean, I’ve wanted to learn how to speak it fluently so that I could have an intelligible conversation with the grandmas and grandpas during our get-togethers. I already know how to read and write it, so I’ve been told that if I want to learn how to understand what I’m reading to go to Korea for a year; either that or start watching dramas. I’ll probably start doing the latter, though, and remain envious of your opportunity to actually go there. Take lots of pictures while you’re there, and now that I have this site bookmarked I’ll keep an eye out for any post about your experience there.

    One other thing I wanted to comment on was family. Another feeling that I couldn’t help but shake off was how it felt like we were related somehow. I mean, it seems obvious that we have the same Father, so you could very well be my little sis’… alas, I digress.

    I wanted to comment on family because of how important it is. It’s true that no one on earth can hurt us like they do, but yet no one on earth can love us like they can. With what little time you have here before going off to Korea, I wanted to challenge you to find newer, creative ways of expressing your love to your mom and siblings. I’ll have a taste of my own medicine and do the same, in hopes of proving my friend’s advice that there is nothing else that you can do for your family but to love them unconditionally and unceasingly. Sadly, it’s been a while since I’ve shown my mom that I love her.

    Well, I’m glad that the Good Lord placed your Fate post at the top of my Google search. Now I can sleep better knowing that there was someone out there who was not only able to summarize the concept of love with such strategically placed words, but was also able to elaborate on it in such a way that its intriguing and mysterious nature wasn’t diminished one iota. I look forward to your other writings, Ms. Tsunami; they’ve reawakened a part of me that I thought had long stopped beating.

    As the Japanese would say, “Oyasumi,”
    Churro

    • Churro your writing was lovely and beautiful and this is the first thing I woke up to see this morning. Thank you for the compliments and the advices. I also believe that family is the most important and unconditionally loving gift we are given. Whether it is our family by blood or by our choosing.

      Sometimes they make me mad, but no matter what I love them and I have their back when they need it. I have about 6 weeks left before I leave and am doing my best to help out as much as I can but sometimes you/I need time for me. I live that movie and the idea of how fate plays a part in our lives, so I am glad you enjoyed it so much as well.

      I definitely think you need to watch Korean dramas AND learn to speak the language. You are two steps ahead in that you can read and write it! Some dramas I love are Soulmate, Dal Ja’s Spring, My Name Is Kim Sam Soon, and currently Triple and Brilliant Legacy.

      I am going to sen you an email. I will be talking about my life in Korea for the most part on another blog so I will send you the link.

      Be blessed!
      ~Tsunamiblues~

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