The Cruelness of Blood…

Today I am tired. Today I am sad. Today I am hurt. Today I am mad. Today I am fed up. Today I am weak. Today I am crying.

I write this as the tears cloud my vision. Even breathing feels tiring today. A few hours ago the family drama that is ever present in my life had its climax and the aftershocks are yet to come.

Let me tell you about my little brother, he’s not a bad kid, he’s not a great kid. No my little brother is a good kid that I love but even now I don’t understand. I don’t undestand why his eyes are so blind to the feelings of others. Or the selfishness and entitlement I see in him. The arrogance of ignorance is what I see and I fear it will be his downfall.

My little brother doesn’t give any part of himself to his family but he will go out of his way for his friends and I don’t understand that. He cannot do a simple thing like clean the bathroom, but expects us to go out of our way to meet his needs. He takes his family for granted, and he won’t give an inch for you even though you give him endless miles.

Like I said, my brother isn’t a bad kid, but sometimes he is worse. I just wish that he would learn to be humble, thankful, and grateful. That he would acknowledge and appreciate what my mother has done for him all on her own. I cannot stand to see my brother disrespect my mother, and today I let him know it, and today is the last day I will do that.

I am tired of talking to someone who doesn’t want to listen, and who thinks he knows more than others. Who only takes but doesn’t give. I love my little brother but right now I don’t like my little brother. I hurt because of him, and I am angry because of him. But most of all I am sad and worried because of him.

I wish my brother happiness, the kind of happiness that consumes his life and everyone in it. I wish my brother success and health. I wish my brother everything his heart desires for him life but I will no longer be cheering for him out loud. No, starting today I close my heart to him just a little, and I distance myself from him.

They say let them go in order to know if they will come back. Well I have taken my hands from him and will let him go. I am scared of the darkness I see inside him, a darkness I know of myself in a different way. I don’t want him to bottle himself up, to seclude himself, and end up erupting and destroying everything around him.

I don’t want to be there to see that unfold. I am tired of fixing this family and keeping it binded together. I don’t want to be the peacekeeper and I don’t want to take sides. I just want to breathe, to spread my wings and soar away from all of this sadness.

I want my family to be whole, to find peace, to give more than they take, but I am not going to do the work myself. No, today I let go, I shut down, I break the chains that bind me to them.

Today, I change and I cannot go back. I just can’t go back to how things were, today I decide to move forward without them, and seek my own happiness while wishing them theirs.

I am tired, my soul is tired, my heart is tired, and my mind is tired. I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore, today is the end of all of this drama.

After it all unfolded I left my house crying and drove my car to the park and called my sister to tell her the latest drama as the tears flowed from my heart. It hurts so much and I wish I had refuge from it all. I have my writing to take the edge off but that isn’t enough. I wanted to have someone to call, who understood and could lend me a shoulder to cry on , a hug to take away the coldness.

I needed someone but as usual I am empty handed. I know God is with me, but today I felt alone and that was painful. Today I am going to sleep and pray that when I wake up things change for the better

~Tsunamiblues~

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~ by tsunamiblues on May 28, 2009.

2 Responses to “The Cruelness of Blood…”

  1. “Today I am going to sleep and pray that when I wake up things change for the better” It will change!!” Don’t Give upp!!! ” Ayaaaaa ayaaaa Fightingggggg!!!!! :D : D :D
    U are a Brave Girl!!! Until now, even there were some difficult situations U knew how to come over them!

    It will Be the Same…Don’t worry! Don’t Loose Ur smile

    Smile a Lot

    Sing a Lot

    Love a Lot

    It’s gonna Be a Lovelydayyyy:)

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