Happiness…

Happiness without love is a hollow feeling, because I cannot imagine a world where I could or would be happy without having love. Love from my family, friends, and my lover. That is just my version of happiness; I know in someone’s happiness they might not need love, but for me it is a necessity and a priority. Love gives me strength, courage, and hope. It makes me believe there is goodness in this world and it makes me happy.

I keep thinking about that person out there in this world, that person who is going to capture my heart and hold it in his hands forever. I think about him all the time wondering when we will meet, who he will be, what journey will bring us together, will our love last a moment but changes the world or will it build over a lifetime. I am hoping for the latter. Next week, I will be a college graduate and if I had one wish it would be that I had gotten a taste of what loving someone is like and what being in a relationship is like.

I am 21 years old and I have never kissed a boy, been in love, had a boyfriend, or anything in between. It has just been me all this time and even though it sucks at times I believe I am like this for a reason. There is something I have to figure out first, something I need to do, somewhere I need to go. I have never been one for a fling or a night of fun. I want more than that, I deserve more than that, and I won’t settle for being a side character in my own story.

There have been men that have affected me and taught me about life, love, and relationships but we were never more than friends and it was always a one-sided attraction. I just hope that I don’t miss out on my chance for happiness because of fear, pride, or stupidity. As much as I would like to be in a relationship, to find love, and to move on to that stage of my life, I know I am not ready.

I’m not ready for two reasons. First, I am terrified of trusting someone with my heart and having them crush it. Someone once said that if you aren’t willing to be hurt by love then you don’t deserve to be loved. I am not willing to be hurt, and I want to protect my heart as much as possible. I know I close a lot of doors because of this fear but I believe that the right person will be able to find the key to unlocking that door.

I need him to fight for me and to earn my trust, and he has to be someone who doesn’t give up easily because my shield is strong and complicated. I guess…no I know it has a lot to do with my parents and particularly my father. I just cannot imagine ending up in the same shoes my mother is wearing. I don’t think my heart is strong enough to weather that kind of heartache. I never want to be vulnerable enough to feel that much pain and bear those scars for the rest of my life.

When I think about my mom and everything she has gone through it makes me questions this idea called love and getting married. I used to think I want to get married and have a lot of kids, but now the idea of spending my entire life with one person is scary and I cannot imagine being anyone’s mother. I guess the responsibility of it all scares me. I am not ready to entrust another person with my happiness.

The other reason is that I want to be selfish for a bit longer. I don’t want to put someone’s dreams or needs before my own. I want to be free to run after my dreams without waiting for them to catch up. I want to make mistakes and just have that freedom of being me and only me. I want to live MY life and not be a part of their story.

I guess you can see the contradiction in my thoughts I want to find love but I want to be me for now. That is not to say if love came my way that I would let it go because I believe that my wants only go so far because I have no idea what the future hold for me. I don’t know where it will take me or who it will bring to me. However, I do know I have to live my life and see what happens along the road. I just hope that when I do meet him that I don’t lose him. I hope that he cherishes my heart and that I don’t get scarred. I hope to find happiness with him and not because of him. I hope to walk hand in hand towards that mutual destination knowing that he will be by my side through it all.

I don’t believe in fairytales, love at first sight, or happily ever after. I do believe that when you choose to be with someone, when you commit to that person you do whatever you can to make it work. You fight for that person and the love you have for one another. Love isn’t supposed to be easy because if it was easy we wouldn’t know how precious it is when you finally find it and get to keep it.

I just hope that when I meet this person we make it work, we fight for our love, relationship, and life together. We compromise, communicate, and trust one another. I just hope my story has a different ending than my parents.

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~ by tsunamiblues on May 6, 2009.

6 Responses to “Happiness…”

  1. i think i know how you feel. i’m 18 years old and i’ve never been close enough to any guy let alone experience any romance whatsoever. sometimes i even think maybe i’m meant to be single forever, and i always hate myself for thinking that.

  2. Amazing you can take the words right out of my mind and you don’t even know who I am =)

    I’m 16 years old and in the same situation as you.
    I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve had people love me, but things or aspects always stopped us from being together. Now, though, I’m waiting for him to come and save me, as cheesy as this sounds. I’m waiting for him to come to me and take all my pain away and fill my life with joy and happiness. I cannot imagine a life without life, funny though, since I feel like I’ve lived my 16 years without one, feeling empty =/

    Congrats on the college finals btw =)
    Hope you ace all of them.

    • Thank you:)….don’t rush yourself because you end up settling. You just have to believe your paths will cross one of these days. Until then become the person you want to be and find that happiness.

  3. life without love* , not life.

  4. Hi

    I really Love your blog! I”m sorry my english is very bad…there for i didn’t leave any comments…But through your writing, I always reconize Myself =)

    Than you for sharing your thoughts! I think we have so many things in common :)

    Keep writing…

    Sorry again for my pathetic English :s

    Have a Lovely day^^

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