One Step At A Time, One Day At A Time…

Thanks to a comment left by a reader I was able to realize how far I have come since that particular entry of “Who I Am Is Not Who I Want To Be.” I wrote that entry over a year ago and I can say I have changed. I haven’t become that person I want to be but I know I am getting there and will reach that point one day.

If you read that blog entry, I did go to that party, I did go to the gym, and I stopped letting the world be my judge. It was so tiring trying to be someone I am not and not being true to myself. Thinking the whole world is watching me left me on edge and unable to be me. It took realizing that I am not a bad person. I deserve to be happy, go after my dreams, and to live my life the way I wanted.

I still have quite a journey ahead of me but each day I take another step in the direction of my choosing. In three weeks I will be the first kid to graduate from college in my family. I cannot believe that these chapters of my life are over but I know that I am going to do wonderful things and be that person I wanted to be.

I am taking a huge risk (at least for me). I am doing something I really want to do but was/am scared to do. I am getting on a plane in August to go and teach in South Korea for a year. I am leaving my box, world, my family, and life behind for something new and unknown. I am doing what I said I would do and I never gave up even when it seemed like everything was keeping me from going.

I look back at my 17 year old self and smile a bittersweet smile. I was so innocent then and so vulnerable but slowly I am coming into my own person. I am not letting my family or this world keep me chained to the ideals they have for me. I am going forward on a road towards my own happiness. If I make a mistake that is fine because I will learn from it and grow from it.

It isn’t going to be easy and I know I will fall a few time, but I will always get up. I will not let this world break my spirit or my desire to better myself. As long as I don’t step on people as I move forward towards my dream then I am okay.

I let go of those people who were not treating me well. It is hard to let go of people we have shared our lives and hearts with but I know that there is a reason they are in my past and not my present. That was probably the hardest lesson for me. Letting go of someone I cared about. I decided that a true friend is someone who makes times for you no matter what. They make you a part of their life and don’t keep you hovering around the edges.

I learned that I have to live my life the way I want to. I love my family but I cannot always do what they want me to do. I have to do what makes me happy like going to South Korea and challenging myself to live and adapt to a new environment, language, people, and so much more. I am scared but there is this inner knowingness that I made the right choice. I chose what I felt passionate about over the “safe” thing to do. The “safe” thing is what I have always done and it has been suffocating me for a while now. I need to fly high and I cannot do that if my wings are chained to “safe.” Life isn’t safe; you have to take risks and know that no matter what happens you will get through it stronger and wiser.

I let go of that perfectionist part of me. It still lingers on the edges but I have learned that perfection is not a word that can be associated with a human being. We are flawed…I am flawed and that is a beautiful thing. We learn from our flaws and perfection leaves us stale.

I want to be dynamic and flaws allow me to change and transition; it makes me grow.  So overall I have learned a lot about myself. I think that was the missing key. I wanted to be someone without knowing who I was already. Always thinking badly about myself and my life. I still have bad days, because we all are not going to have 365 days of awesomeness. Those bad days are still learning opportunities…most likely in hindsight.

It is those little moments when we leave our world and look into someone else’s that give us opportunties to reflect and grow. If that person hadn’t left that comment then I would have just vented about my bad day without realizing how far I have come and how far I have to go.

I am thankful for my life, my dreams, and my ability to reach them. I will continue to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, until I reach that last step and find that serenity inside of myself.

We all have our own individual journeys to take. Like I told my friend the other day this is my story and I am going to be the leading lady and not the side character. This is your story to tell, you just have to pick up your choice of utensils (voice, art, pen..etc) and tell it to yourself, to the world, to no one..its your choice. But you have to tell it because if you don’t someone else will.

When I find myself in that moment of doubt and sadness I like to listen to Yolanda Adams “I believe” and “Be blessed,” Des’ree “Gotta Be,” and anything by Mat Kearney to pick up my spirits. It is okay to feel sadness it is happiness’s other half. You just cannot dwell in it and let it engulf you. Remember to take a deep breath, let go, and begin again.

Be blessed and unstressed!

~Tsunamiblues~

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~ by tsunamiblues on April 20, 2009.

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