Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes…

A while ago a friend said to me how can people expect anything to be different if they are still doing the same thing. It is funny what stays with you years after the actual moment. I think about what she said from time to time, and for the past few days I have been thinking about and frustrated by the truth of those spoken words.

First, lets start with me. I am continually frustrated with myself for things I feel I lack. I feel that there is something really important that I lost. You know part of yourself that motivates you and gives you a reason to do what you need to do to get where you need to go…well I have lost mine. I usually refer to it as losing my mojo. I feel so bored with school and my life. It is the same boring cycle of school, work, clubs, homework, work, school, meetings over and over everyday of every week.

I am just so done with it all and I am glad I will be graduating in May because I honestly don’t think I could do another year of school. It is just so redundant and has nothing to do with what I want to do with my life. Even my plan to become an international lawyer is coming into the questioning mode. Is this really what I want to do with my life? I am not sure and that is what scares me. I am not sure of what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know I want to be able to fight to help other people. I know I want to do this on an international level, but I am not sure of the rest.

The only thing I am sure about it that I need to get out of here and do something a little crazy, very out of the ordinary, and different from where and what I am doing. My plan is to go to South Korea. I just feel that I need to do this. I need to take myself out of my comfort zone, out of my family safety net, out of the eyes of everyone around me, out of my orbit basically and find myself again.

Find or create that meaning and purpose of my life. I have never done anything like this and I just know if I play it safe any longer I will suffocate from the mundaness of my life. I need to reboot myself, my life, my ideas, my values, and my mind. I need time and space to grow and come into my own being. To know this is who I am, what I want, where I want to be/go. I need to feel sure of something in my life, because as of now I feel so lost and scared about my future.

I have expectations and responsibilities holding me back, and I need to break free from it all and just find my way in this vast world. I am just really frustrated with every aspect of me. I am not patient, I need to be more studious, I need to be kinder, and most of all I need to have confidence in myself. It feels like every eye is watching me and the biggest eyes are my own. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I find school boring which makes me less than thrilled to do my homework, and then I get frustrated because if I just did a little a day I wouldn’t be feeling overwhelmed.

Now, lets get to them. First my absentee father is worming his way into my mind and causing me to be frustrated. He sent me this arrogant email saying he wants me to stop being angry, and that he doesn’t want to thunder on my self achievement, and lastly that he sees that I have proven myself. If you haven’t read my other posts about my dad let me break it down for you. He cheated on my mom, left her, my siblings and I to fend for ourselves and now lives with the mistress and my three half-siblings. I haven’t talked to my dad in years. He disappointed me over and over and I was just tired of feeling like I was some rag doll to him. He hasn’t been there emotionally, socially, or financially for me.

He didn’t come to my high school graduation and I have no intention of inviting him to my college graduation in May. I made that decision to complete cut him off from my life because I wanted to let go of the past, the bitterness, and all the anger and hurt inside of me. I didn’t like the toxic feelings I had towards him and wanted to move on with my life. Last Sunday my dad turned 50 I wouldn’t have known if my mom hadn’t reminded me that it was his birthday. I felt mad because here this cheating idiot broke my mom’s heart and left me fatherless and my mom still remembers his birthday, and still thinks about him. Love is cruel.

His email just made me really mad with the patronizing attitude of it and why would I have to prove anything to him. I haven’t responded yet, but when I do he will get a piece of my mind. Now, saying all of that it isn’t like I haven’t thought about my father over the years. How can I not when I have reminders in the form of my mom, brother, sister, and all our family ties that bind us together. I know no matter how much I want to let go and move on I will always be tied to him. I have the same name as him, the same nickname, and my love for writing is something we both share. My dad has pads filled with his writings. I get mad just thinking about how much of him is in me.

I am angry with my dad, and I think I will always feel angry when it comes to him because my mom works two jobs to support us, he never helped her take care of us. My dad was/is my mom’s only love. The only man she has ever known and loved…her childhood sweetheart. My dad has not been there for me for 15 years of my life. I am 21 years old so to me he isn’t even my father. I think the main reason I still feel angry towards him that not even for one moment have I ever felt that he was sorry for what he did, what he is doing. He doesn’t know my favorite foods, my fears, my dreams, my failures….he doesn’t know me. Just because he helped give me life doesn’t make him my father, and doesn’t give him a right to be a part of my life.

Even saying all of that there is this part of me, a small nagging part of me that wants to get to know him and know what it means to have a father. But I know that he will never be able to be a father to me, and I honestly cannot have another frustration/disappointment in my life.

Second, is money. Money has been my dream-stealer for most of my life. It all changed after my dad left my mom. She has three kids; I am the middle child and to support all of us she worked/works two jobs to make ends meet. We live paycheck to paycheck and are barely above water. Even with that I am thankful for all that we have. I am thankful that I was able to get a scholarship for college and will graduate with no debt. I am very very thankful for our health and perseverance. My frustration is that my mom shouldn’t be doing this on her own. My dad should be being a father even if he isn’t a husband. I have three younger half-siblings that I don’t know and sometimes I wonder if I am lucky for not having him as my father or they are the ones in luck.

So to sum it all up I am frustrated with my life, my father, and my lack of money. But like the title of my blog, nothing changes if nothing changes. I read entries from my blog from a year ago and it is the same frustration. It all comes down to me and what I am going to change. With my dad, we cannot have a father-daughter relationship when the father doesn’t know or want to be a father. As far as money, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a financial blessing.

~ by tsunamiblues on February 11, 2009.

2 Responses to “Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes…”

  1. Are you still coming to Korea? Sounds like you need to get away .. and Korea can be a bit of a financial blessing .. if not an overwhelming one.

  2. YES:)…I graduate from college in May and if everything goes well with Korea Connections I will be on that plane to South Korea.

    Making money there is like icing on the cake. I am really into Asian culture and I like Korean stuff the most so I really want to see what it is like to live there and teaching seems like a good way to do it.

    Your right, in that I want to get away. I think I need distance/time to figure out my life and I cannot do it here where everything is safe and the same.

    So yes, I am coming to Korea one way or another:)

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