I Dream of Happiness, Love, and Peace…

Today I keep thinking about my dream. That dream that I have in my heart but don’t dare speak it. My dream is about my future, and what I want it to be like. My dream comes down to three things love, happiness, and peace. I believe each one goes hand in hand. I don’t want one and not the other.

I think about my mom a lot and wonder what her dream was before life came crashing down around her. My heart hurtss when I think about her and how she never got to reach her dream. However, my hope is that she finds a new dream and strives to make it her reality. I pray that same prayer for all of my loved ones. That we move past the hurts and suffering and find our own love, happiness, and peace. So what exactly is my dream. It is not complete nor is it clear but for the most part it exists within the deepest corner of my soul. My greatest dream is to be a wife and mother. Those who know me would be surprised that above all things those are the two I desire the most. I just don’t want to be a wife and mother, but for me my life won’t feel complete till I have those two things hand in hand.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I grew up in a broken home. My father cheated on my mother and left us when I was seven years old. Since then my mom has taken on the role of both mother and father to my siblings and I. I love her for putting us first, but it is still my wish that she finds a sweet and wonderful love before her time is up. That all the scars my father gave her emotionally are healed by the tenderness of true love. All her burdens are lifted by the honesty of that love. I wish this wish and pray this prayer for her everyday. I hop God is listening to me, and see’s my sincerity.

Watching my mother’s story unfold throughout my own life has made me wary of loving anyone to the point that I am completely vulnerable to them. I don’t trust anyone, and keep my deepest feelings all wrapped inside me. I don’t trust men expecially and I have seen that not all men are like my father, but in the back of my head I wonder if my mother’s story will one day become my own. That is one of my greatest fears. To walk the same path as my mom did. My father was/is the only man she has loved. They grew up together, their families were very close, and it seemed like a fairytale come true when they got married. In my mother’s eyes there was no man greater than my father.

She never got her happily ever after. That dream and love shattered, and to make it worse my father never showed an ounce of regret for abandoning his wife and his children for another woman. To this day, he has never said he is sorry and his actions/silence speak volumes in my heart. I don’t talk to my father anymore; we have no relationship and it will remain that way. I sometimes ask God, why do some people have children when they can’t be responsible parents. My father never paid helped my mom to take care of us, never came to any school function; not even our high school graduation.

I will be graduating from college in a few months and I don’t plan to tell him or invite him. He has not once made the effort to reach out to me, to tell me he is sorry, to say he is proud of the young woman I am, to ask for forgiveness. Now, it is too late for us to ever have a relationship because my heart cannot accept him as my father. Yes, he helped create me but that doesn’t make him my father…just a donor to my existence. A father is someone who teaches you right from wrong, who protects you, takes care of you, and most of all love you more that they love themselves. My donor never reached that level.

Saying all of that, my dream is to have what my mother never got to have (love), give my children what I never got to have growing up (love/peace), and to find my own happiness and path in life. To welcome each morning knowing I have found my happy place, and to go to sleep smiling from that love/happiness/peace around me. I know life won’t be picture perfect, and I don’t want it to be. Perfection is deceptive, and you need imperfections to grow and appreciate what you have. I just want my story to have a mostly happily ever after.

Whenever I think about marriage I shudder. I cannot imagine meeting any person that I could give my heart and trust to forever. It makes me sad to see what marriage has become these days. It is like one big unfunny joke over and over. When I was younger my broken home was abmormal and now it is a commonality amongst many young people. That alone makes me really sad. Even it the midst of my cynicism I still have a flicker of hope that I will find someone I can love. However, I do not think love is enough of a reason to be with someone and marry them.

Love is only the foundation of the relationship. It is essential but doesn’t stand on its own. I always compare relationships to houses. If love is the foundation then you need respect, compassion, communication, and faithfulness to build the walls. In additon, the roof must be of strong trust for it to all stay together. That is what I believe. If I ever get married it won’t be just because of love. Because I have seen the harshness of loving someone and I won’t let that be my portion to swallow.

I am 21 right now and I hope that when I turn thirty my dream will have come true. But there is no time limit or max on dreams, love, happiness, or peace. I just hope I make my dream a reality one day. I find that person that understands my heart better than anyone. That person who I can give my vulnerabilty to and know that it will always be in safe hands and goo care. That person, who I look forward to spending forever with. That person who I build a life with filled with an abundance of laughter, love, happiness, and peace.

I want joy to be part of our everyday life, and laughter to follow. I don’t think it will be easy. Nope, it will be hard work and painful at times. But the best things in life come from hard work and the happiness should outhweight the pain. I think though that my dream won’t happen for quite a while. It is just this feeling I have inside of me. I know that I have a journey ahead of me that I must walk alone before I have someone walking next to me.

Before I can find happiness with someone else I need to figure out my own happiness. I need to create and find those joyful moments and experiences in my life. Before I can find and keep my love, I have to be able to love every aspect of myself; from my faults to my beauty I need to take it all in and accept all of me. Before, I can have peace with anyone else, I have to find that inner peace inside of my being and know who I am and not let my life be defined by others expectations.

I am still in that journey and I know I still have my paths to encounter before our two paths becomes one journey. I am a firm believer that everything has a time and place. That we suffer so we can appreciate when we triumph. That happiness cannot exist without pain. You have to experience it all, but we can hop that the good will surpass the bad.

I hope that when I am a mom I  can be half the mom my mother is. That I can be as strong and sacrficing as she is for her children. I hope that they will love me as much as I love my own mother, and that they will know that my love for them is uncoditional and overflowing. I don’t know why today of all days these thoughts came into my mind. I get scared sometimes with all the emotions and thoughts inside of this human body. I know that my strength will increase with each experience and step I take in my life. I just hope that when God looks down on me he sees my heart and feels the deepness of my dream. I hope that when I find my happiness I do not take it lightly. That when I find my love I do not let go of him, and when I find my peace I remember the experiences that took me there.

I prayed to God that 2009 would be a year of blessings in my household. I will do my best to make that prayer a reality. So that is my greatest dream, simple but complicated….like life.

What is your dream?

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~ by tsunamiblues on February 4, 2009.

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