The Rollercoaster Of My Life…

If you read my previous entry I am feeling a lot better. I have always believed everything happens for a reason. But sometimes when you don’t know or understand the reason it doesn’t make sense. Even when you know the reason it can still feel like a puzzle.

Not getting the Fulbright or the Henry Luce doesn’t the end of my world and it sure as hell doesn’t mean the end of my dream. At that moment it felt like my dream was out of reach, but my eyes are full of clarity today. That is why I know that dreams change, grow, or become completely new. Two years ago I would never have thought I would want to go to South Korea after I graduate to teach; but mostly because I have fallen in love with the language, fashion, kimchi, and of course my wonderful dramas.

I like to play lit safe; and that has always kept my head above water. However, I think I needed to make those mistakes and experience those risks so that I wouldn’t be so filled with doubt about who I am, where I am going, and what my whole purpose is. I always have been a planner, but in the last three years I’ve received plenty of curve balls and in the midst of all the chaos around me I lost that passion I had for my plans.

Then I found my passion for Korean things, and it all started with the Korean drama Full House. I first fell in love with the language, next the music, then the fashion, and am finally getting into the food. I began to do my research so I could learn more about South Korea. I had a spark in my mind that I wanted to go to South Korea and see what life would be like there. It wasn’t until my friend said to me to consider teaching that it all kind of clicked.

I have been student-teaching and tutoring students since high school and I feel so rewarded when I have helped a student put what makes sense in their head to clarity on paper. Initially I was like no way I have plans there is no way I can just go to South Korea and teach. I had felt the spark and she helped start the fire. The only thing that makes sense in my life is my dream to experience life in South Korea. To learn the language, meet the people of SK, and most of all to make sense out of my life.

The question is what do I REALLY WANT/NEED in my life? Clarity would be great, but I feel that there are still experiences I need to go through before clarity becomes mine. We all want everything to be in order but we forget life is chaos. We have to travel in the madness until we find our place of serenity. For me, at 21 I feel lost here in this place I have called home for the past 9 years. I need to get away from it all; the expectations, the family dramas, the sadness, and most of all the loneliness of knowing there is more for me than what is currently here.

My point in all of this is like my mom always says, “Life is like a roller coaster, filled with ups and downs, you just have to hope that the ups are long enough to shadow the downs.” The only clear sky I see is going to South Korea. Doing something a little crazy, out of the ordinary, but most all doing this because it is something that I really want/need to do. I know I will regret it if I don’t give it a shot.

I just pray that God see’s my heart and the sincerity of my soul. Please, make a way for me to fin that missing piece to the puzzle of my soul. Let me do this and let it be the right path for me to walk on at this point in my life.

~ by tsunamiblues on February 2, 2009.