Rejection Hurts

I am trying to think positively and not be too sad that I didn’t win, but for this moment it feels like my dream has gotten farther away from me. All week long I have been checking my email to find out if I made it to the semi-finals of two grants I applied for. The Henry Luce and the Fulbright ETA grant.

Yesterday I checked my mail and there was a letter from Henry Luce aka Rejection #1. I held strong hoping that I would make it to the Fulbright semi-finals. I kept checking my email. This morning I woke up, got on the computer and there was the email I had been waiting all week for. I was scared, but I clicked on it and Rejection#2. That hit me like a kick to the gut because I really really wanted to be a part of the program and use it to go to South Korea.

I didn’t even get a chance to react because I had to go to class, so I put on a smile like everything was okay, like I was okay and I went to class. I came back and read it again hoping it was a mistake or they’d sent this Rejection to the wrong person. Nope, the rejection was meant for me. I haven’t cried, right now I just feel kind of blank and numb. My friends want to gather around me, but when things like this happen I just want to be alone, need to be alone. I don’t want them to see me as a mess, which I will be by the end of the day. It just hurts because I worked so hard on my application, I had so many people supporting me and rooting for me and now I have to tell them over and over I didn’t make it and feel all that sympathy.

For now I just want to curl up in a ball, put on the headphones, and let the music be my antidote. I told myself I’d give myself only today to feel sad and mad because life goes on and tomorrow I need to wake up and work on Plan B. So for today I am going to wallow in self-pity, eat my favorite foods, cry like a baby, and just let it all sink in.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be a little better, not so numb, and not so sad.

~ by tsunamiblues on January 30, 2009.

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